The first thing that happens when you die is they take your
credit cards.
Next,
they take your belt and your shoelaces.
Finally, they
shave your head and paint a big yellow
smiley face on the back. I'm sorry, it's policy. There's nothing we can do about it.
Then they judge you. You'll have to recite the
Twenty-Third Psalm really fast ten times in a row. If you're a
smartass and you say "
adenoid" for "
adonoi", they'll kick your ass real hard so don't try it.
If you can get through the
recitation without
tripping over your tongue or otherwise
making an ass of yourself, you're in.
You'll be ten feet tall, you'll never again sweat or belch, and if you're real nice to
God He may even let you drive the
Camaro.
If you fail, however, you'll go to
Hell.
Hell sucks. Hell is a vast
Buick dealership full of
baseball fans who want to tell you
all about the
Red Sox.