asking for help

Know that having the opportunity to help is a blessing. Also be aware that no matter how frustrated one may get helping someone who can't currently help themselves, they are equally as frustrated (if not more so) that they can't help themselves either.

"If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. but if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation."
-- Oscar Wilde

Been realizing lately that I often find my self failing to ask for help, especially when most needed personally. I've known for awhile, but realize it more these days. At accepting help I'm so-so, I suppose, but am always trying to do better in that regard. Wondering why this may be, and instead of being an armchair psychiatrist/psychologist and just thinking, Oh, it's because you're a first-born child and/or have a martyr syndrome, I did what many these days do and asked an AI. What follows are the reasons it gave:

1. Fear of Rejection: The possibility that someone might say no or be unable to help can be daunting and make individuals hesitant to ask for help.


2. Pride and Independence: Some people take pride in being self-sufficient and may feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness or failure. They might worry about how others will perceive them if they can't handle things on their own.


3. Fear of Being a Burden: Many people don't want to impose on others or feel like they're creating extra work or stress for someone else.


4. Lack of Trust: If someone has had negative experiences in the past when seeking help, they might develop a reluctance to reach out to others again.


5. Low Self-Esteem: People with low self-esteem might doubt that they deserve help or believe that others would be willing to assist them.


6. Social and Cultural Norms: Societal or cultural expectations can play a role. For example, in cultures that value individualism highly, asking for help might be seen as less acceptable.


7. Uncertainty About How to Ask: Sometimes, people simply don't know how to articulate their needs or might be unsure of whom to ask for help. (wertperch says: Best way is just to say you need help, good people will respond and ask, "How do I help?")

Well, isn't that a fine set of mirrors! I see several reflections looking back at me. Pretty much every point actually. I didn't see it explicitly stated but there is also the whole thing about since I rarely ask for help, especially at my place of employment, I have a high expectation of receiving said help in an expedited manner as well as in the manner I want it. Unreasonable? Probably, especially in my private life.

Despite these barriers, it's important to remember that asking for help is a sign of strength and self-awareness, not weakness. It shows that someone recognizes their limits and is willing to seek support to overcome challenges. Everyone needs help at times, and reaching out can build stronger, more supportive relationships.

As for offering to help or responding to a call for help, I feel I've always done the best I could within the limitations of the resources I had on hand, even rearranging priorities based on the level of care I had for the person as a friend. But, with my current health situation, I'm in the process of taking a long, hard look at that, too. I do understand when others can't help personally because of lack of resources and because of different priorities, and will do my best not to project my circumstances onto others, good or bad. Am already spreading my wings in asking, as I have a brother-in-law that went through chemotherapy for leukemia, and I have a (once-upon-a-time) good friend from the interwebs who is a co-founder and executive director of a non-profit advocacy group that coordinates cancer advocacy groups, for lack of a better description at the moment, and have reached out to both, as well as other family members. And, back on January 8th, I named E2 as part of my cancer care team and am so touched and appreciative of those who've offered help as well words of support, and as such, will do my best for my teammates as well. All you gotta do is ask...and if you or someone you know struggles with seeking help, however that looks or whatever that may be, it might be useful to start small and gradually build up the comfort level. Practicing vulnerability and open communication can go a long way in fostering a supportive environment.

In short, when you decline an offer of help, you're (potentially) depriving someone of the opportunity to be the best friend that they can be.

etouffee says re asking for help:
both sides matter-
accepting help (graciously)
and also offering it
(without judgment or an attitude-
no expectation of some big gift)

Ask for help; your friends will thank you for it.

Asking for help is the hardest thing I ever have to do. My father modelled being self-sufficient, taking care of my own shit, being self-reliant. He grew up being "mother" to his younger siblings. He came home from school to cook a meal, organise house-cleaning, doing laundry. He survived this, toughened up and it made him who he was. A hard act to follow.

It's easy to say that we should be self-reliant, not dependent on others, but by golly sometimes things are Just Too Hard alone, and we need help. Today I needed help getting my jacket on without pain, the other day I needed assistance getting my laundry home out of the car. Yes, I could have done both these things by myself, but it would have hurt (for background, I am still healing after open heart surgery, my chest was cracked open and I've injured my rotator cuff by twisting to put on my seatbelt. So while I could arrange to do these things without help, it could potentially cause more issues in already-broken things.

So I ask for help, hard though that is. In the first case, I present myself to my housemate and tell him I'm struggling to get my jacket on; he's heard me cursing so he holds it while I slip my arms in and shrug it on. It takes but a moment, he really doesn't mind and in fact is happy to help me not exacerbate existing injuries. He also knows that I will happily help him out in both large and small ways. In the second instance it needed me to ask someone else in the car park if they wouldn't mind helping me get my laundry duffel out of the car. I explained that I was recovering from surgery once he'd hauled my load out; he immediately asked if I needed help with it to my door, an offer I gladly accepted. This always makes it easier; I'm not asking for help now, but accepting the offer of help offered. It turns out that most people will look for ways of helping a neighbour out and willingly offer once hey understand the need.

SO sometimes, asking for help doesn't need to use those words; we simply need to present a case and mostly, folk will offer help, taking the sting out of asking for assistance.

When Christine was diagnosed with her cancer, and most especially for a few weeks after her mastectomy surgery, I was doing almost everything for her, running errands, cooking, cleaning house and getting Tess up and ready for school. And you know what? Because I loved her I was happy to do it. She didn't have to ask, I offered and hung around to continue to support her whatever her need. But even so, she occasionally had to swallow her pride and ask for help with things long after she was healed from surgery. She had emotional, spiritual and psychological needs that weren't always apparent, and she put her trust in me that I wouldn't turn her down or make her feel guilty (she still felt guilty though, having been brought up with similar expectations from her folks). These days I have learned that I simply cannot do everything I used to, can't take my body for granted, and that I need to ask for the same support I was giving Christine, almost twenty years ago. ¹

Knowing all of this, if even my friends are inconvenienced (by sickness, loss or hardship) I am on the lookout for ways to help where I can, even if it's just offering a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Supporting my friends in this way makes me feel like I'm doing something, and my friends know they aren't alone in the world to cope by themselves.

There is a phrase I recall from the novel Dune, that "the gift is a blessing to the giver". An offer of help that's declined can feel hurtful. So if (when!) you are in need, dear reader, remember this, and take it a step further, give your fiends the opportunity to help, in a sense you're offering them the gift of supporting you.

¹ Yes, almost twenty years since I came to the US to be with this woman, marry her even though I knew the cost. On 1 March it will be exactly twenty years, and I still have no regrets. I'd give a lot to have her still here so I could run round after her. I still occasionally find myself getting ready to make two cups of tea in the afternoons. If she were still here, she'd ask for help and I'd still happily oblige, and I in turn, could learn from that.