A Modest Proposal to Modernize the Antiquated Horoscope

Horoscopes are so yesterday. Aries, the Ram? Cancer, the Crab? Oh please. Half these constellation-based signs are reminiscent of a fish market, and the other half are barnyard animals. The Chinese Zodiac is no better, with signs based on mythical and flea-infested creatures.

But times have changed. For one thing, man has created 'fire' and 'the wheel.' We realize that these are modern inventions, and we're not at all sure they'll have any lasting power, but still, the point is that we're not looking up at the stars for our evening's entertainment any more. Oh yeah, and we've invented 'houses,' 'books,' and a relatively new thing called a 'roof.' The times, they are a'changin. Why not update our horoscope signs?

Another problem with old-fashioned horoscopes is their insistence that everyone born during a certain period of dates, whether it is months or years, shares the same characteristics. That's insane.

Our proposed horoscope is modern. It's updated for all of the latest technologies and sociological trend lines. It also contains no date parameters. Why should we limit ourselves? Depending on the day of the week, the season, or even your level of schizophrenia, YOU should get to choose your own Zodiac sign. This is empowering!

We propose the following signs updated for the new millennium.

  1. Dracon - The Giant Robot: Sturdy, well-built and very strong, you have laser-like vision that can cut the unwary to pieces. Impervious to heat, cold, emotions, or atomic weapons. Family, friends, co-workers and all other underlings may feel a little oppressed by the Giant Robot, but must (MUST!) recognize your ultimate power. You crush all opposition. Crushy, crushy! You cannot understand why they call you a bully. You consider your power to be benevolent. In fact, they should be thankful for it--it is for their own good! If you're a banker, a government regulator, an IRS agent, or a domineering husband or wife, this may be you. Most compatible sign: Cyborg.

  2. Angsty - The Beret-Wearer: You're a sensitive and imaginative soul. As an Angsty, you're often found weeping over a well-turned phrase, or smiling tremulously at the perfection of a brush stroke. You tend to drift from your scholastic endeavors into fields such as music, literature and the arts, and often meet fellow Angsties in coffee shops, art galleries, and book stores. You've always been annoyed that you weren't born into a trust fund family, when your artistic sensibilities are so attuned to long tours of Europe for the art museums, bookstores, and café shops. You reach for your Gauloise cigarettes, and pat yourself down... where can they be? Oh, that's right. You meant to buy some yesterday, but that would mean you'd need a car, which you can't afford. You're adapting to your situation in life by learning how to brew coffee at Starbuck's and find books at Barnes & Noble. It's okay, really - it's just a temporary gig, until your book is sold. Well, not really a full up book, but more like an idea for a book. Staying focused is difficult. You suspect you don't have the "staying focused" gene, but that's all right - all artists are like that, right? Right? You relate best to people who agree with your sketchy view of the world. Most compatible with: Lybralomine.

  3. Prius - The Stealth Runner: You're an innovative driver, an out of the box thinking pilot who views traffic signs as merely suggestions. You merge well with others, but have a tendency to get lost in the rat race. You often seem to travel in circles due to difficulty finding the perfect spot to settle. At a cross-road in life you allow cross traffic to go first - please! - and ignore the queue of drivers honking furiously behind you. If you're a true Prius you're prone to exhaustion and must take care to re-energize yourself with frequent rest periods. You prefer Birkenstocks over real shoes. Your tendency is to hate corporations, unless they produce organic products made of hemp and use sustainable manufacturing processes. Most compatible with: Angsty.

  4. Cyborg - The Man-o-Bot: You boast a vastly superior intellect. You know your IQ, and you're damned proud of it. Feelings of inadequacy? Oh, someone has the temerity to suggest you're covering up your feelings of inadequacy by being arrogant and rude? Well look here. Get out your wallet. See that Mensa card? They don't give that to just any idiot. Gray is for pussies unable to make a decision. You view the world in black and white. This helps you distance yourself from family and friends, especially the losers at work, who can't appreciate the genius in their midst. Modern art is for idiots. You could do that, and a lot better, too, if you had the time. You should look for a pliant mate, preferably one without a brain or a backbone. Most compatible sign: Captivion.

  5. Charmatryst – The Beguiler: Genial, congenial, and slick; this sign is smooth and polished. Your brilliant smile and ability to speak out of both sides of your mouth may dazzle the unwary. A Charmatryst is drawn to careers in car sales, carpet or bedding, televangelism, lobbying, or politics. Your magnetic personality has some downsides: too many concurrent interpersonal relationships, for one, and being caught in a public lie is another. This may be a problem for other signs, but for you it's a challenge: hot tears and televised requests for forgiveness. If you find yourself in handcuffs and face some minimum security downtime - perfect! Write a self-help book! People love to hear what you are thinking! Most compatible with: Wal★Martian.

  6. Lybralomine - The Starry-eyed Unicorn: You believe passionately that all men are created equal, even the unequally created ones. You've never met a sociological theory you didn't like. You buy Tonka trucks for your daughters and Barbie dolls for your sons. No gender bias for your kids! You even use ambiguous pronouns like hir and shiz. You purposely move your family to bad neighborhoods, and then wonder why you're robbed. You like blue skies, fluffy clouds, long walks on the beach, and candlelit dinners. Turn-ons are puppy dogs and LOLcats. Turn-offs are mean people, prejudiced people, and prejudiced mean people. You vacillate between loving education and hating education. Your most secret desire is to have tea with both Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama. Neocons think you're a nutjob, but you don't care. Most compatible with: Prius.

  7. Stetsonian – The Marlboro Man: A true ‘Man’s Man’. Sits high on his horse. Smokes unfiltereds. Squints in the sun. Wears lacy women's underwear because it makes him feel pretty. Sure, he has a feminine side, but you'll never see it. He favors Jeeps, Humvees, and other large, loud cars that scream LOOK AT ME. The bumper sticker reads "My other car is an M1A1 Abrams." Doesn't like to take showers because then he has to touch his genitals, which always makes him worry that he's gay. Most compatible with Trixie.

  8. Barbican - The Precious Princess: If you're a true Barbican, you're an idealist and a lover of beauty. Your weakness is that you tend to be vain and judgmental of others. You often lead a glamorous life, but in later years can become alarmingly disaffected with the real world, finding it harder and harder to maintain a cheery grin and perky demeanor. Your visions of perfection are constantly changing. This necessitates lots of shoe shopping, to have a collection of shoes available for every occasion. You don't understand why men don't understand you. You're perfectly self-consistent, at least in your own mind! If your date tries to kiss you, merely because you looked at him as though you wanted to be kissed, yes, of course you'll slap him! How is it possible that others cannot understand your quicksilver moods? Most compatible with: Charmatryst.

  9. Hadron - The Mad Scientist: You can be identified by your unsurpassed sense of style: white lab coat, horn-rim glasses, and black shoes (the ones with special soles that work even in the presence of machine oil) worn with white socks to match the lab coat. You are destined to save the world with your scientific discoveries. Or destroy it. One or the other. You take precautions as much as possible, but hey, these are experiments! Things can sometimes go wrong. Like when you were working on that neurotoxin late one night and that hot new babe in the lab came on to you. Being cautious came in handy that night. In a way it was your good fortune that the condom in your wallet was so old it disintegrated when you opened it. You can still remember her sweet kiss as she sent you off to buy some new ones. What a ghastly sight met your eyes when you returned and looked in the door. Thank God it was hermetically sealed. She must have accidentally broken the vial. Her bad luck, but as it turned out in the investigation, she was actually a spy. Fortunately for you the investigators never thought to ask why you’d left her in the lab alone. It took the Haz-Mat team a hell of a long time to clean up that mess. Most compatible with: Barbican.

  10. Trixie – The Dominatrizon: A born leader and oh so very gifted at giving orders. You have a commanding presence and a slashing wit. Others tend to kneel at your feet and look up to you, and always seem anxious to please you. You most often reward their docility with harshness, but still they keep coming back for more. Sometimes you are so bored by them that you could cry, but no--the tears are for them! And you will make them pay for your boredom. You prefer your men in tasteful tight black leather corsets, with perhaps a few chains and a nice set of handcuffs. You also like it when they are quick to kiss your boots as commanded, but actually love it when they are too slow--then you let them feel the lash! Most compatible with: Alpha-Bravo.

  11. Puritania - The Disapproving Prude: You're the antipode to the Trixies and the Barbicans of the world. They're liberal, and they're about to destroy the world with their 'sex' and 'permissiveness.' Someone has to hold the line, and that's you. You were born in Nebraska, psychically speaking, where the winds of change have not yet reached you, and you like it that way. You're disappointed that the clothing styles of a hundred years ago aren't still au courant. Women showing their ankles is disgusting, and probably originated with the French. We've let in too many of Those People into this country, and we should just ship 'em back! Television was invented to be black and white. Ever since they started selling cars with catalytic converters and "FM" radio, it's been a straight road to perdition. A Black Man is president, for God's sake! Who let those people vote? Next thing you know, we'll have a gay in the White House, and then you're taking your kids and you're moving to Canada. A strong military, a strong censorship board, and a good local church with a painted steeple is what you'd like to see. Perhaps a witch burning every now and then. That would keep those people in line. Most compatible with: Dracon.

  12. Alpha-Bravo - The 3-Star General: Cigar chomping, order giving born leader. The world needs more leaders like you, and by God you're going to do what you were born to do: show people the path! You're the self-appointed team motivator at teambuilding offsites, aren't you? You're the guy who's never met a committee he didn't want to join. You're always astonished at the propensity of people leaving your team: Fine! Let them join the 'losing' team! You can't stop self-destructive behavior! You're going to be a shining star of constancy and winningness, even if your team doesn't win, strictly speaking. The rules were unfair. Still, you did your job. Guide from the front, and be loud about it! Most compatible with: Hadron.

  13. Wal★Martian - The Consummate Consumer: You know the price of everything, but the value of nothing and so often fail to understand the true cost of it all. Quality? What's that? Who cares? Quantity at LOW-LOW prices is the ticket for this sign. Who needs name-brand items when knock-off equivalents are available? Your wife will never ever see a diamond ring on her ruby-tipped finger, but knowing that the huge stone in the ring you gave her is genuine cubic zirconium is satisfaction enough, and since it only cost $59.87 (including tax!), you’ll be able to take her out to Applebee’s for dinner on Sunday. Friends often marvel at your cost-cutting acumen, but sometimes squirm when you ask them how much their shirt cost, and then hear you reply: “Oh yeah? I got one just like that for half the price last week!" Most Compatible with: Puritania.

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