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On Saturday the 3rd of August, at well after the stated time of 2:00 p.m., Ann Jones and Bob Smith were married at Our Lady of Sorry Acoustics.

The groom wore a suit and the bride wore a dress. The organist's shoes, in tasteful black, were by Organmaster. The organ is a rebuild of a Harvey Piston Shotz VI of a 2m Whisk which contains pipe work from the original Ox tracker that existed before the tragic fire. The harmonic flute is to die for and the coranglais is like buttah, but the combination action is unreliable.

There were attendants all over the place but the organist still only got three quarters of the way through the Prince of Denmark's March, with no repeats, ending on the dominant. The 8' tuba stop was the central feature of the processional; this could be seen on the smiling faces of everyone in attendance. After a few minutes of some speaking by some clergy-type, the organist played the first four phrases of the Schubert Ave Maria (in E-flat) on the Gemshorn 8' while the couple did something. Later, the bride's sister's best friend's adopted niece breathily sang The Wedding Song from the balcony, without interludes even though the organist left them in. This didn't matter because she used a microphone, obliterating the subtle chiff of the Gedeckt 8'.

The recessional was the Mendelssohn Wedding March, played on a satisfying plenum. It was played in ABABA form to fit the length of the wedding train. The guests talked throughout the postlude, but the organist added stops as the noise level increased, masterfully maneuvering each draw knob and coupler, without missing a single note of the Widor! This noble feat did not go unnoticed by the congregation, as attested to by audible sighs of relief which were heard as soon as the music stopped.

The bride and groom went to college somewhere, but they did not take any music appreciation courses. After their honeymoon they plan to blend into suburbia, where the highlight of each year will undoubtedly be the replay of their wedding video and reliving each musical moment.

This came over my email by way of an old colleague at Peabody Conservatory. If anyone can find an attribution, please /msg me.

Each week
the local newspaper comes out on Saturday
all forty pages.

Each issue includes
political news, sports, births
and obituaries

This week
A local church organist wrote the wedding column,
while usually dry and complimentary
it included words such as tacky
slutty and uncouth.

It is likely they will ask the librarian to write future columns.

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