Dear DMan,

Please give me back my fucking hedge trimmers. You have had them for two years now and you don't even own a hedge. I also don't appreciate the fact that you have taken my lawn tools, which I entrusted you with, out of the fucking country. I have nothing against China, but I can only assume that American hedge trimmers were in all probability not designed to cut the flora and fauna of bizarre foreign lands.

This is no sort of slam against you or your plants (even though the only one I've seen so far is the god damn pot of lavender that you keep next to the window in your dorm). I guess what I am trying to ask you is -- Why the fuck did you borrow my bleeding hedge trimmers and then take them from the country if you don't even own a hedge? It doesn't make much sense now does it?

Just try to put yourself in my shoes and I am sure you will be able to understand my mounting paranoia about the whole thing.

thank you and give them back.
This diabolical practical joke (hatched and implemented by yours truly) caused quite a stir:

[printed on faked Cornell stationery]

Dear Mr. Li:

      We regret to inform you that we will no longer be needing your services here at Cornell Dining. After careful evaluation of your job performance, we have decided that it is in the best interest of both parties to terminate your position at Jansen’s. We have received many complaints from your managers, fellow workers, and customers about your apparent lack of commitment to the standard of excellence that is at the core of the Cornell Dining experience. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, but this unfortunate situation could have been avoided if you had merely given a rat’s ass about your job.

Gary Rosenberg
Director of Student Employment for Cornell Dining

The best part is that DMan got a real written warning from his boss as I was creating this - who could ask for better timing? DMan fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. :)

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