Woke up at 4:00, but laid in bed until around 5:30. Drank some water, I put carrot peels in it and found that refreshing. Went downstairs to survey the laundry situation. Threw in a load of clothes and arranged the things I pulled out of the dryer. We still have too many clothes lying around in the basement and part of that is my fault since I bought a couple new things. My youngest says you can't call it "seeing someone' else when you haven't met in person, I've tried the phrase exclusive romantic interest, but that doesn't seem to fit either. The other night I was reading my book When Feelings Don't Come Easy which is a fabulous book that's difficult for me to keep reading despite its gripping nature. I highly recommend it.
Yesterday was my third day of yoga in a row. Typically the 9:00 class is easier than classes offered before or after it so I was surprised to see the owner of the studio behind the counter. She's beautiful to me, complicated green eyes, olive tan skin, and a body that I envy. I talked to her for a moment about the difficulty of her class. It was way beyond where I'm at, but it showed me that I could do more than I thought which was cool. I hurt my right elbow although I didn't feel that until after class. Yesterday's class is my favorite. I'm stronger than I am flexible, the instructor offers a more athletic form of yoga where we do a lot of planks and more upper body work. The first time I went I was very overwhelmed, but my confidence and skill set gets better every time I attend which leads me to my next point.
I want to be able to convey how I feel about walking into that big empty room when it's time for class. There isn't any furniture aside from a small table in the front corner of the room that's hidden by the wall. There are a few tissue paper type lamps for dull days, but the majority of the room is worn honey colored flooring, cream colored walls, expansive windows, and a really cool old ceiling that has a neat design in it. There's a rolling rack in back with bolsters on it. It's what I want my house to feel like when people come into it, the space, the warmth, the expansiveness, the realization that work is hard, but we're up to facing our challenges instead of running away from them. It smells like cypress and cedar, smell is important to me, I just love going there, I wish I could live there, but I can't, so I'm doing the next best thing.
My back room is going to get a makeover. I started painting the hideous brown paneling. The jungle green probably won't last, there's white primer in the basement. I want to coat the walls white, pull up the carpeting my kids spit up on and turn that unused space into a sanctuary for myself and others. I'm listening to Celine Dion and thinking about the men in my life, the ones I've left behind and the one I'm excited to meet. I sent him a message before I went to bed last night, he sent me a reply before he went to bed, I love having that level of emotional support. It's been lacking in my life to the degree that I needed it, having a sexual attraction to another person is fun, but this is the stuff real relationships are built upon which makes me very happy.
I still need a job, now that I'm seeing the benefits of yoga I'm wondering if I should become an instructor. The minimalism appeals to me, the idea of coaching others the way I've been coached is alluring, the clothes is easy for me, it would take a while, but I think it's the kind of thing I can do while I have another job. I'm going to go through my house room by room, my neighbors and family will help me, I am going to redo what I can and make this house mine for as long as I am here. I'm getting rid of the red loveseat Jill and Jane's dad bought me for my birthday. I kind of want to hold onto it, but that's the safe route, and I'm tired of holding onto the past. God is with me, he's guiding me, yoga is helping, I'm doing things I didn't think I could and learning more about myself. It's been really cool, and today I'm grateful for that...