Battle For Milkquarious is a program length
commercial for
milk, billed as:
"The Greatest Rock Opera Ever Made. About milk."
Yes,
milk. Brought to you by the
Got Milk? people, even. The "rock opera" is set up in six
scenes, and an
epilogue of sorts.
Narration brings us into the
first scene, with talk of the "creamy skies" of the city of Milkquarious, and the luxurious
love nest of the greatest
rock star of that city,
White Gold. Here, White Gold (dressed all in
white and
gold, including a gold
headband) entertains his
love interest,
Strawberry Summers, feting her with a strawberry
milkshake to complement his regular
white milk. He confesses to Strawberry that, of all the
women who have
loved him for his beautiful
hair,
teeth, and
nails, she is the first that he could actually love back. This brings in the first
musical number, where White Gold
serenades Strawberry in the very
disco You're Almost As Beautiful As Me -- a
sentiment which she
reciprocates with
vapidity equal to that sentiment (except that her response is the
grammatically correct "you're almost as beautiful as I"). The scene is surprisingly suggestive for
media apparently aimed to
teenagers, with White Gold's
gyrations and Strawberry's skimpy outfit (she is all
boobs, which actually makes sense for a milk ad, and her shorts are straight out of a
Mariah Carey video). Summers gives him a small
pendant -- a minute
glass flask of milk -- on a
necklace. Suddenly, black-clad
stormtrooper-types burst through the walls, sucking up White Gold's
jars and
jugs of milk with
vacuum hoses, and seizing Strawberry. White Gold tries to fend them off with his "one gallon
axe, but one of the
invaders drops
ball bearings, causing White Gold to fall and his guitar to break, tragically spilling its milk contents.
Awakening in a daze, he turns on the
television news (weirdly reported by two identical women who speak in
unison and appear to be joined at the
wrist) to discover that the whole city's milk supply has been stolen by these thugs, operatives for a
villain called Nasterious who lives on remote Cranky
Island. After a moment of despondent
weeping, White Gold vows to rescue his girl -- and his milk.
Scene 2 has White Gold paddling a
boat on an
ocean (the
Insomnia Sea) that looks like something out of an
acid trip. He discovers another person hiding under a tarp on the boat, a muscular
black man. The two launch into a highly
homoerotic competitive
challenge song,
Have You Met My Muscles, each pointing out and flexing their various milk-built
muscles --
biceps,
triceps,
abs,
quads,
pecs, etc. (except that White Gold also points out his
bicuspids, explaining that they are "also crazy strong"). Just as the men are about to come to blows, each realizes that the other is from Milquarious, and that they are allied in the cause of reclaiming their milk. The black man's name is Jug Life, and
guess what kind of milk he's drinking? White Gold admires one of Jug Life's
tattoos, a
unicorn-horned
cow, which Jug Life explains is the cow
goddess Bovina.
But
scene 3 then unfolds, showing that White Gold and his new friend are being watched on a screen by Nasterious, a skinny guy with a big
nose (exaggerated by
camera angles in a purple
cape and with a big "
N" on his forehead) who has Strawberry
chained up in his dark
abode. He sings
I've Got All Your Milk and plays a screechy,
triangle-shaped
horn-type instrument which causes the ocean to roil and the boat to be tossed about. White Gold and Jug Life cling to each other as the boat is tossed about, and then symbolically
spiral into an
abyss. They awaken to
scene 4,
shipwrecked on Bad Hair Island, where they are attacked by "Bad Hair Monsters" (which are more like "Bad Special Effects Monsters"), and Jug Life
sacrifices himself to draw away the
monsters while White Gold runs for the Nasterious'
castle.
Scene 5 has White Gold climbing the rocks to scale a
mountain, still far from the castle. He runs out of the milk in the locket, and Strawberry and Nasterious watch as White Gold gives up and collapses. But later, unknown to Strawberry and Nasterious, the unicorn cow goddess Bovina (an extremely wooden model) appears to White Gold and gives him rejuvenating milk before sprouting wings (because she's also part
Pegasus), and flying him through a bunch of 1980s
video-game-looking shapes to Nasterious' castle. Through the
roof they drop, surprising a cake-eating Nasterious and kicking off
scene 6: Nasterious attacks White Gold with his triangle-horn, playing music that knock White Gold to the ground, launching the first part of the song,
Zaptacular. But Bovina gives White Gold a "
two gallon axe" which he uses to return the song and defeat Nasterious -- apparently by squirting powerful bolts of milk at him. About to deal the
death blow by "exploding" him, White Gold asks why Nasterious did his evil deeds, and Nasterious sings,
White Gold, You're My Daddy, revealing that White Gold is his
father, his mother having kept his birth a secret before being eaten by a
grizzly bear, and that it was the lack of
love that drove him to "do nasty things." A
family crest birthmark of a
tiger's head with a
bottle of milk in its
mouth proves the filial claim.
Nasterious tells White Gold to go ahead and "explode" for the nasty things he's done, but White Gold embraces his newfound
son, and with Bovina agreeing to carry them home, apparently all is set right with the world. Except that no mention is made of the apparent
death of Jug Life. But then there's a lengthy after-piece, reminiscent of nothing more than the
finale of
Jesus Christ, Superstar!, with all of the characters dancing to a psychedelic background to the closing number,
Do the Dairy Dance.
A few observations. White Gold is in good shape, I guess, but not nearly as muscular as Jug Life. The
songs really do sound like the style of
Jesus Christ, Superstar!, and here is the cast:
White Gold: Joe Hursley
Strawberry Summers: Tiffany Elle
Jug Life: Gichi Gamba
Nasterious: Drue Delio
Calcium Twins (the newscasters, who also show up in the ending dance number):
Sonya Millen and Sabrina Millen.
Well, it's
free to watch, and I suppose I'd have to say, its worth one look!!