Battle For Milkquarious is a program length commercial for milk, billed as:

"The Greatest Rock Opera Ever Made. About milk."

Yes, milk. Brought to you by the Got Milk? people, even. The "rock opera" is set up in six scenes, and an epilogue of sorts.

Narration brings us into the first scene, with talk of the "creamy skies" of the city of Milkquarious, and the luxurious love nest of the greatest rock star of that city, White Gold. Here, White Gold (dressed all in white and gold, including a gold headband) entertains his love interest, Strawberry Summers, feting her with a strawberry milkshake to complement his regular white milk. He confesses to Strawberry that, of all the women who have loved him for his beautiful hair, teeth, and nails, she is the first that he could actually love back. This brings in the first musical number, where White Gold serenades Strawberry in the very disco You're Almost As Beautiful As Me -- a sentiment which she reciprocates with vapidity equal to that sentiment (except that her response is the grammatically correct "you're almost as beautiful as I"). The scene is surprisingly suggestive for media apparently aimed to teenagers, with White Gold's gyrations and Strawberry's skimpy outfit (she is all boobs, which actually makes sense for a milk ad, and her shorts are straight out of a Mariah Carey video). Summers gives him a small pendant -- a minute glass flask of milk -- on a necklace. Suddenly, black-clad stormtrooper-types burst through the walls, sucking up White Gold's jars and jugs of milk with vacuum hoses, and seizing Strawberry. White Gold tries to fend them off with his "one gallon axe, but one of the invaders drops ball bearings, causing White Gold to fall and his guitar to break, tragically spilling its milk contents.

Awakening in a daze, he turns on the television news (weirdly reported by two identical women who speak in unison and appear to be joined at the wrist) to discover that the whole city's milk supply has been stolen by these thugs, operatives for a villain called Nasterious who lives on remote Cranky Island. After a moment of despondent weeping, White Gold vows to rescue his girl -- and his milk. Scene 2 has White Gold paddling a boat on an ocean (the Insomnia Sea) that looks like something out of an acid trip. He discovers another person hiding under a tarp on the boat, a muscular black man. The two launch into a highly homoerotic competitive challenge song, Have You Met My Muscles, each pointing out and flexing their various milk-built muscles -- biceps, triceps, abs, quads, pecs, etc. (except that White Gold also points out his bicuspids, explaining that they are "also crazy strong"). Just as the men are about to come to blows, each realizes that the other is from Milquarious, and that they are allied in the cause of reclaiming their milk. The black man's name is Jug Life, and guess what kind of milk he's drinking? White Gold admires one of Jug Life's tattoos, a unicorn-horned cow, which Jug Life explains is the cow goddess Bovina.

But scene 3 then unfolds, showing that White Gold and his new friend are being watched on a screen by Nasterious, a skinny guy with a big nose (exaggerated by camera angles in a purple cape and with a big "N" on his forehead) who has Strawberry chained up in his dark abode. He sings I've Got All Your Milk and plays a screechy, triangle-shaped horn-type instrument which causes the ocean to roil and the boat to be tossed about. White Gold and Jug Life cling to each other as the boat is tossed about, and then symbolically spiral into an abyss. They awaken to scene 4, shipwrecked on Bad Hair Island, where they are attacked by "Bad Hair Monsters" (which are more like "Bad Special Effects Monsters"), and Jug Life sacrifices himself to draw away the monsters while White Gold runs for the Nasterious' castle.

Scene 5 has White Gold climbing the rocks to scale a mountain, still far from the castle. He runs out of the milk in the locket, and Strawberry and Nasterious watch as White Gold gives up and collapses. But later, unknown to Strawberry and Nasterious, the unicorn cow goddess Bovina (an extremely wooden model) appears to White Gold and gives him rejuvenating milk before sprouting wings (because she's also part Pegasus), and flying him through a bunch of 1980s video-game-looking shapes to Nasterious' castle. Through the roof they drop, surprising a cake-eating Nasterious and kicking off scene 6: Nasterious attacks White Gold with his triangle-horn, playing music that knock White Gold to the ground, launching the first part of the song, Zaptacular. But Bovina gives White Gold a "two gallon axe" which he uses to return the song and defeat Nasterious -- apparently by squirting powerful bolts of milk at him. About to deal the death blow by "exploding" him, White Gold asks why Nasterious did his evil deeds, and Nasterious sings, White Gold, You're My Daddy, revealing that White Gold is his father, his mother having kept his birth a secret before being eaten by a grizzly bear, and that it was the lack of love that drove him to "do nasty things." A family crest birthmark of a tiger's head with a bottle of milk in its mouth proves the filial claim.

Nasterious tells White Gold to go ahead and "explode" for the nasty things he's done, but White Gold embraces his newfound son, and with Bovina agreeing to carry them home, apparently all is set right with the world. Except that no mention is made of the apparent death of Jug Life. But then there's a lengthy after-piece, reminiscent of nothing more than the finale of Jesus Christ, Superstar!, with all of the characters dancing to a psychedelic background to the closing number, Do the Dairy Dance.

A few observations. White Gold is in good shape, I guess, but not nearly as muscular as Jug Life. The songs really do sound like the style of Jesus Christ, Superstar!, and here is the cast:

White Gold: Joe Hursley
Strawberry Summers: Tiffany Elle
Jug Life: Gichi Gamba
Nasterious: Drue Delio
Calcium Twins
(the newscasters, who also show up in the ending dance number): Sonya Millen and Sabrina Millen.

Well, it's free to watch, and I suppose I'd have to say, its worth one look!!

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