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A bookmobile is a large vehicle stocked from floor to ceiling with books. They can be anything from a refurbished delivery type vehicle, like an old UPS truck to a new tour bus. It then travels from the library to elementary schools, homes for the elderly, workplaces, public parks etc. on a regular basis, allowing books to come to people rather than people having to go the library to check them out. Bookmobiles generally stock a wide variety of literature, books on tape etc. for all patrons.

The bookmobile in our small Kansas town was painted in crazy splotches in hippie mural fashion. It would come by my preschool on Wednesday afternoons and we could go in, a few at a time, and check out a book. For some reason, I'm not entirely sure why, our bookmobile is very much associated in my brain with chocolate pudding art... you know, throw a huge glob of chocolate pudding on a table and have all the kids draw with it and lick their fingers off... not very sanitary I know, but this was the seventies. Inside it seemed like a looming book-cave, a mobile-stacks, much much larger on the inside than it appeared from the street. I still remember the smell of it; only slightly reminiscent of that library smell of book, but mingled with the hot smell of summer. My library card was cream, with black type. A thin metal plate with a number was punched in the corner, under my address. I could lose anything, easily. Still can. I somehow managed to keep my library card, because I loved Bread and Jam for Frances, Curious George and Madeleine books.

Ever since my recent foray into drinking a gallon of Haldol daily like it is water because THAT is the kind of guy I am, and because I need this on account of being a sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man, I've been thinking of new business opportunities that I can become deeply, deeply involved with once this virus business is clear. Until then, I am following the advice of experts to the best of my ability, which is limited because of the vast, vast number of items I have forced into my ears over the years. My intentions were good and each time it was a moral and ethical decision that was well rooted in science-free reality.

One of my ideas is to build a cart out of wheels and wood that I can put books on and wheel around. I can take it into the Walmart bathrooms, where I hang out regularly with other older straight white men who enjoy reading magazines in this particular place. It is very social, even though we don't talk, and we can give each other emotional support when we have difficult bowel movements or enlarged prostate issues. I'm hard, are you guys hard?

Now, perhaps we need to undertake some educational upgrade activities. Maybe the magazines we borrow from the Walmart magazine racks are not giving us the kind of mental nourishment we truly need. Maybe we could benefit from reading actual books in there. Books filled with mental nourishment and anguish, two things we all need to stay alive. Ibid.

Now, what I need is someone who can work with wood and wheels and is willing to come to my private island 500 miles off the coast of Maine, out in the Arctic Ocean. It is called Murder Island and there are bodies stacked there a mile high from the last nodermeet I hosted there. Pay no mind to them bodies. Them bodies don't concern you. You came to Murder Island to wank and to help me build a cart you can push books around in, which is a new invention that I am wanting to build on Murder Island using the labor of a sucker who I will then beat to death with a hammer while laughing maniacally. I will then take my cart, my bookmobile if you will, and I will enrich the minds of straight white men in the Walmart toilets who would otherwise be reading only magazines in the Walmart bathrooms. Gormley et Allensworth, c. 1976.

When you arrive on Murder Island, I will give you food that is loaded with a toxin that will make you paralyzed and turn your bones into jelly. I will be able to stuff you into a trunk. And I will. Two days later when the toxin wears off, I will take you out of the trunk and you will help me build my bookmobile before I beat you to death with a tire iron. If you want to sign up, send an uncancellable check for $60,000 to General Delivery, Utica, NY, c/o Berhardt Goats and I will consider you. Please submit drawings of bookmobile designs you have in mind.

What other uses can there be for our newly invented cart for books we are calling a Bookmobile? Well, let us break into discussion groups at this time.

Okay, rally on back now. Let us go over what conclusions were arrived at during our discussion group period of this scholarly article.

A bookmobile can be pushed around inside of businesses in the new economy, which will benefit straight white men primarily, and books of new learnings for the employees can be distrubuted that way. Their fingers can also be broken in multiple places to encourage obedience to the work taskmaster. Make it so, number one.

A bookmobile can be used in schools to wheel books around inside of the school lending library. We could sell our Bookmobile to schools for six figures, easily. It will be worth your fate. You can understand that now. Please send uncancellable check now. Give all your information on it, including the times during the day when you are most vulnerable and easily startled. Those are the times I like to "come by" so to speak. You can count on it.

Wood and wheels will restart the economy. Think about that when you are in bed with yours, or a companion's, hand wrapped around your honking peter trying to wrestle out a milkshake tonight. Think about it. Really think about it. I'm counting on your to think about it, goddamn it.

There is no reasoning you can come up with not to begin design and manufacture of my Bookmobile immediately. But I need you to sign on for the program. If you turn down this opportunity, you will be unable to get unemployment compensation from your local governing bodies. They will be DENIED because this is obviously a legit opportunity that you declined and if you are in a right to work state, you are FUCKED just for reading this writeup.

Bookmobile is the future. Join the future today. You know where to reach me. Buy American.

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