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One of the conundrums I face on a regular basis is deciding what to wear when a friend or associate invites me out to breakfast or a light meal later in the day at Denny's (they have lunch and dinner options). More specifically is my consternation over what kind of underwear to wear for this outing. Perhaps you have had the same puzzlement besmirch you when you have had similar offers extended to you by a friend or associate (or perhaps a group of them, which might be comprised of all friends, all associates, or a gentle mix of the two). A lover might also come into the picture, but when this happens it changes the landscape of your underwear choosing.

Let me explain. First of all, I never wear underwear and I usually wear pants made of extremely thin material. Because of this, I have to lie to people and say, "Sure, sure, I've got underwear on. Don't worry about it." If there are follow-up questions, I must be able to answer them, and so I must have a picture in my mind about what kind of underwear I am wearing and be able to describe them in detail to my friend(s) and/or associate(s) who have met me for lunch or a light meal later in the day at Denny's, a restaurant of note in middle America. You may be an underwear wearer, or you might need a convincing cover story when friends and/or associates ask you about your underwear. You don't want to get called to the mat. You want to be able to give them answers.

And answers must be forthcoming. I cannot emphasize this nearly enough at this point. You can understand why. Truth be told, most of you appear to be beyond help. Due to your issues. You understand where I am coming from.

Now, say you have received an invitation. Your friend, we will call him Tom Cruise, has phoned you up this morning. He has the morning off from his jokey job in the public sector. His choice of work sickens you to the depths of your very stomach and yet Tom is your friend. He works at the town hall processing tax money (the kind of people Jesus ruthlessly murdered in Matthew). You've known him a long time, and you are pretty hungry at the moment. He wants to go to Denny's. Great choice. Upscale but doesn't require a tie. It fits your needs. But now: What to do about underwear?

Let us example some kinds of underwear you might choose. Let us hypothetically imagine a large king-sized bed with a comforter on it that is a solid color (allowing you to have an unobstructed view of the underwear as it is laid out by a manservant or whore). Imagine you have spread out the following underwear selections. We now examine the pluses and minuses of these possible choices.

White Briefs: Very tight and constricting. Can prevent an erection from properly forming if it is called for due to circumstances unfolding at Denny's during your visit. In addition, if you are for some reason rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, hospital workers will laugh at you and feel bad for your lover (if you have one). Not your best option.

Basic Solid Color Boxer Shorts: The sensible man's option for most circumstances, but not very exciting if circumstances unfolding at Denny's lead to you ending up in the walk-in freezer with two female patrons who you are meeting for the first time.

Jazz or Neon Color Boxer Shorts: Makes more of a splash in the ambulance when they cut off your pants to get at your junk (like they always do) but if you wear extremely thin material pants, the color will bleed through and it tends to look disturbing in a way that keeps female Denny's patrons from getting into walk-in freezers with you if circumstances unfolding at Denny's lead in that direction.

Pattern Boxer Shorts: These are the kinds of things you pick up at Walmart as an impulse buy. I'm not sure why I have so many of them. I don't like wearing them out, but then again I also never wear underwear so your mileage may vary.

Speedo Bathing Suit: The choice of the legendary rogue men of America's great rivers, this is not traditional underwear, but if there is a pool at the Denny's you go to, or an oversized sink, you might be able to enjoy this in a way other patrons will not.

Black Thong Underwear: Nice. I bet you look good in them.

Jazz or Neon Color Thong Underwear: Risky with a potential big payoff if you get locked in the walk-in freezer at Denny's due to circumstances unfolding there during your visit with the right mix of female Denny's patrons. Matronly older ladies will go "oooh" while younger, more hip modern women will jump at the chance to get them off and get on the floor with you. These things are like a mating call for the sexually deprived woman. However, some of these women may turn out to be more trouble than they are worth. Women get absolutely nuts over men who wear underwear of this nature. If you just want some eggs, though, I would go with the basic solid color boxer shorts.

G-String Panties: Not appropriate for Denny's. There are no circumstances that might unfold in which this turns out in your favor. It does feel fun though underneath extremely thin material slacks like I wear. It adds a special feeling you can't get anywhere else while gently strolling through one of America's last remaining malls.

So, when it comes to choosing the right underwear to wear to Denny's, it depends on your mood and personality, as well as what you hope to achieve if certain circumstances unfold at Denny's during your visit there. I am advised by my legal counsel to tell you that you choose your underwear to wear to Denny's at your own risk and I accept no responsible for faulty execution of underwear wearing or wrong choices made because you misunderstood my message. Take care.

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