Almost every action has fairly logical reasons for occurring. If you can see some logical reason to blow up a huge stuffed bunny you found on the side of the road you are a better man than I.
While driving through the great city of Etna, Mr. Frog picked up a large stuffed bunny off of the side of the road, apparently left for quite some time (it was rather nasty). It was passed between people’s garages for the better part of a year, the smell of which would attract the curious parent to the large and ominous black garbage bag that was its home. Mr. Frog eventually got sick of the thing, and decided that we needed a burial. No normal burial would do, it needed to be spectacular. Burial at sea, a return to its roadside home, and a bonfire were all discarded.
After much debate and surfing of
E2 for
homemade explosives recipes, we decided in favor of our
fingers and made the pilgrimage to
Phantom Fireworks in
Ohio. We couldn’t afford anything fancy, so we ended up with 2 large bricks of small
M-80 brand stringed fireworks, and a pack of
Silver Bullets, along with 20 feet of
fuse. Our crew consisted of me,
Mr. Frog, and three
lackeys. Mission equipment consisted of a
minivan,
explosives, various tools, the
bunny,
camcorder, and a burning desire to see
bunny fluff fly through the air.
Our basic concept was a
skeleton of
explosives. Hollow out the inside a little bit, connect the materials, spread them out and time them so they would go off more or less in sequence. We needed a way to connect the
fireworks inside systematically, so someone brought up the concepts of making
bricks of 5 of the
M-80s. We taped the
bricks together into 6 groups: 1 large pack for the
chest, 1 medium pack for the
head, and 4 small packs for the
hands and
legs. These packs were then connected together with roughly the same lengths of
fuse. The
bricks, once fully wired, looked so much like
dynamite strung together that no one could go more than two minutes without saying,
“This is so fucking cool!”
One of the
lackeys suggested that we test the
fuse to make sure it would light the other
fuses that were taped to it. Our first trial didn’t light, which really scared everyone, but each trial after that worked. The entire ordeal was carefully documented by the
camcorder, including much more arguing that anyone would care to admit. The
skeletal explosive set was wrapped in
newspaper and carefully inserted into the back of the
bunny through a large
incision along the seam. Once inside, more
newspaper was stuffed inside in case the
fuse failed and we needed something to burn. The inside of the
bunny was mostly this
plastic fluff that would just sap together when subjected to heat.
Two long days later we took the
bunny onsite to the location we had picked. Nestled behind the
KDKA radio tower was an isolated valley that was only rarely frequented by
bike riders, and on this day,
ATV enthusiasts. We had to walk deep into the valley, past a waterfall, almost to the point where the creek dumped out into the river which ran along the large road that we lived by. We put the
bunny in a large open area, and prepared the portable
fire extinguisher we had brought, along with two creek water filled
coke bottles. The fuse was lit, the
camera on record, and the
dog running towards the
bunny. What?? Where did the fucking
dog come from?? Unbeknownst to us when we lit the fuse, two
hikers and their
dog were watching the festivities from around a bend, and the
dog couldn’t resist the action. We ran towards to
dog and the
bunny, yelling and screaming until the
dog backed off. He ran back to his
owners, who were fairly interested at this point as to why our attention should be so focused on the
bloated and dirty bunny, sitting in the middle of a
creek bed.
The
fuse had been lit, the
dog chased, and
the show must go on. We backed to a
reasonably safe distance to watch, and waited impatiently for what we hoped was an exciting event. The fuse acted like a
sparkler, allowing us to see if it was still burning. After what seemed like an
eternity, the
bunny’s ass started to explode. We all jumped at the suddenness of it, the immediate
machine gun sound of the
M-80’s destroying the bunny’s ass. It started to smoke black, and the bunny slowly slumped forward onto its chest. The
Silver Bullets went off in unison, sending showers of multicolored sparks out of it’s arms and legs. The charge in the head went off in less than a second, blowing out the neck in a large shredding action. The whole back had been ripped open and gutted, with smoke billowing out and the newspapers burning in large flames that continued to spread and catch stray charges. When what we determined was the last charge went off, we slowly advanced. A
lackey picked up the
bunny by the ears after we doused it with water.
The contents of what had been the bunny’s guts slid out of the now gaping hole from the back of its head to its ass.
The
lackey wanted to see if all the
explosives had gone off, so stuck his hand in to dig around in the arms. Each movement made a slosh sound, and he pulled out charred black mush that had been the stuffing. Even for a
stuffed bunny, everyone agreed it was completely sick. We packed up quickly, and left the bunny
lying dead in the creek bed. Climbing out of the valley, no one saw the two
hikers, and we can only assume they had an
interesting story to tell when they went home that night. That evening I took everyone involved out for
Chinese food, as it was my
birthday. The entire dinner in the crowded
buffet consisted of ideas on how we could have made the explosives larger, how to time them better, all with no doubt in our minds that we would do it again.