December 15, 2003

Truth.

I am an elitist fuck (not to be taken literally, but figuratively, which still isn't very flattering). And I am unrepentant.

I have judgemental opinions of all types of people and subjects, most of which I keep to myself, but they're still there, practically screaming from within for release. I find it silly that homosexual males, typically, find it difficult to be readily masculine in their speech and comportment. I find it absurd that my roommate finds it so easy to criticise others for his own mistakes but as soon as someone even suggests that he might be in error, he turns especially evil. I find it offensive that people must claim to be respectful of other peoples' decisions/opinions and yet they will not hesitate to backstab them with such viciousness that it boggles the mind. I find it crazy that what passes for rock music these days involves a great deal more screaming than singing- much more so than it did twenty years ago (I find no redeeming quality in "goth-grunge"). I think that people are far more sexist than they'd like to admit. I don't believe that humanity is mature enough to be the way it thinks it is right now. I think a woman who dresses like a slut should think twice about being indignant for being treated like one. I believe that homeless people are, by and large, lazy and deserve neither help nor pity. I think every fast-food chain out there is overpriced. I think obesity is no one else's fault but the person who ends up fat. I think parents don't realize that they are their kids' first teachers and, as a result, end up teaching their kids the absolutely wrong things about how people should behave. I think arrogant kids should not be coddled and that it should be legal to swat one in the nose if he/she is found to be acting like a snot-nosed brat- anytime, anywhere. I think that hard narcotics should be legalized- let the junkies finish what they started and be done with the fuckwads once and for all. I think the TV is generally evil, the news is generally full of lies and that people don't use their brains half as much as they should. I believe that the world is, yes my dear, headed to hell in a handbasket. I believe that your beloved Jesus would be very unimpressed if He caught you yammering on your cell phone in your Ford Explorer, hogging up two gas pumps while a woman with three tired and noisy kids in her backseat is forced to wait until you hit the END CALL button. I think we're all too fucking self-centered (myself included). I think patience is best described as weathering yet another human being's notion of free will. I think the law, all laws, are inherently corrupt, even the simple ones, because they were created to benefit someone else. I think strings being attached to any decision is duplicitous. I think people need to learn how to stand in line. I think the possession- and flaunting- of riches is far more evil than the riches themselves and the solution is to get rid of the wealth, not the wealthy. I think an erect spine is more attractive than a slumped one- literally and figuratively. I believe that every nation under God holds the Creator at the same level of importance and consideration as pond scum and isn't really under God at all. I think people kill people- by making more guns, buying them, selling them, holding them, using them and exalting them. I think sports are empty of true passion and Christmas holds as much altruism as head lice.

And I'm only getting warmed up.

There are times when I think it's really, really good that I don't have a girlfriend. I could rant like this for hours and I wouldn't wish this kind of dumping on just one person. So please share- there's more than enough to go around.

Shitty week. Shitty month. Shitty year.

Bah humbug.

Call me crazy, but I like working in retail around the Christmas season.

I think it's something inherent to my personality. I like being a part of someone's life for thirty seconds - I get to say hello, be extraordinarily helpful and send them on their way. I can be crazy, brash or just plain manic and it doesn't matter all that much because I'm fairly certain I'll never see this person again. It's one ego boost after another.

I'm also a fan of customers during the holidays. Not because they're infused with Christmas cheer, oh no - most people this time of year deserve to be strung up by their toenails for having attitudes like that. No, I'm a fan of holiday shoppers because of their desperation: they need something for relative X and they need it now, so I'm able to twist their desires a bit and sell them either a. good things they never would have discovered on their own or b. things only slightly related to what they thought they wanted in the first place.

Retail at this time of year is the ideal profession for a blatant extrovert. I feel...intoxicated.

Once, a really long time ago, I discovered that the universe makes no sense. I made me feel funny inside, like that uneasy feeling you get when you eat too many Christmas oranges. That sweet acid burning in your belly, so festive yet so strange. Your guts are swimming in Middle Eastern sunshine, grown in the oily sand of a tortured land, just in time for Christmas.

No.

These are Morrocan oranges. Play it again Sam.

I wonder if the guy who wrote Casablanca ever traveled to Morroco. I smells like a script stacked up like matchsticks, each little nugget culled from dogeared Time magazines from before the war. How many people have actually watched the whole movie? I've never seen more than clips on retrospective shows. The people singing the French national anthem were crying real tears.

I would cry for France too, if I loved her. I know a few girls named France. I don't love any of them, but maybe I should. India is another country-girl name, but you never hear about a guy called Russia. It's all girls called China and Belize. Girl names, like ships.

I saw oreship in the channel, churning the blue water behind it green. Someday it will be obsolete, all million tonnes of it. Will it remember being useful? Will I remember being useful? I'm designed to become obsolete too.

I don't want to haul ore. I want to fly. Does metal have a memory? Can the change in my pocket remember when it lived in a star? Everything heavier than iron came from a dead star. So, the things lighter than iron can have existed from the beginning of time. Wow.

I like how sucking a balloon full of unburning star fuel makes your voice high, like a Smurf. Does the sun have a helium voice?

Do you know?

I don't know.

Lately I have been having a lot on my mind. My grades have been like a yo-yo, my boy friend hasn't been making me as happy as he used to, and my mother and I have gone at it. Often I yern for something that doesn't exist in the kind of life that I live. I want more, especially with my relationship, I want more out of the things that I do. My achievements are now meaning nothing to me, but would have been a miracle to my little mind about a year ago. I'm starting to look at life in a whole different view. I'm scared a lot now, about not being able to make it life, considering the fact that I don't know what I want to do with it. I worry about things like money for the future. Neither my mother nor father are wealthy, or even well-off at that. I get scared about the things that can happen to me when I venture off into the street. I dream about being married and successful, and I often have to remind myself that dreams are only things that we want and not what is really going to come true. Sometimes, I feel lonely when there are several people amongst me. I want to explore the world, and the people that live in it. I want to make sense of why I'm here. I want to know my purpose and my future. I want to know who I'm going to be with when my skin is wrinkled and my eyes have crow's feet. Maybe I'm just jaded or maybe I'm growing up.