December 18, 2003

It's back, it's truly back.
I get far too attached to things, really. I kept checking back every day.
**sigh**
Sad case, whatever. Since my PC... um.. encountered trouble, I've fallen back on my lovely lovely Mac. the latest & greatest Powerbook, with 40 gigs and G4 something-or-other and all that happy shit.

Unfortunately, this also meant I was left with no porn.
You wouldn't think it would make a difference... but once you get hooked on something like that, it's hard to get used to not having it.
..it's not really as if I get off on it (it's hentai, for crying out loud - heh), but it was fun to watch. So weird. I love the bizarre. TV no longer interests me...

So.. where was I? Ah yes. With both e2 and hentai gone from my life (damn limewire and its lack of cooperation), I had to turn to other means. Webcomics... by the dozen... and half the day spent on lowbrow reading about other people's twisted lives. Go me.
And now I have two neopets, and I'm still not quite sure how that happened.

Anyway, enough of my sad hermit life. Christmas is coming!
I've been typing 'xmas' for the past two weeks and I feel oddly conspicuous doing so. But somehow typing 'christmas' doesn't seem right either. I think I've been exposed to too many christian fanatics lately.
The ones who write for http://objective.jesussave.us amuse me particularly. We found a page denouncing both the people who make and the people who own Macintosh computers as Satanists, because the logo for Apple is an apple with a bite out of it - clearly symbolizing the downfall of Adam and Eve in Paradise.
I mean, I'm sorry, but that to me is hilarious.
We're still not sure if it's a joke site or not... in their "kids section" there are little cartoony "information" bits discussing christian beliefs. My absolute favourite is Mr Gruff, the atheist goat, who glares at the viewer while dressed in an old housecoat, holding a cup of coffee, and declaring, "I don't need God, I just need my coffee!"

You can't help but laugh.

It's not that I hate christians, or christianity in general. I do believe the message is being somewhat skewed, but it is there. I like the Golden Rule aspect of it. It's just.. they're trying to turn it into a whole set of rules rather than just the one nice idea.
Personally, I don't know what I believe in. I don't like being called an atheist, because I don't really not believe in anything. I'm too lazy to try and make a title for myself. Trying to categorize everyone doesn't do us any good; why try?

Ye gods.. so many things to do this time of year. The older you get, the more you understand why parents hate xmas. I know it's a merchandising scam, but I can't help but get caught up in it. It's fun.
True, we don't have our tree yet. I think we'd have an artificial tree if we had room for it, like, when xmas is over, but we don't. all the storage space in the house is filled to the brim, so to speak. And it'd be too weird to have xmas without a tree, so we'll have to pick one up sooner or later.

Go Nine Inch Nails - Closer (to mario) remix...

*sigh*
I need to write more; but it seems as if Pimpette is taking up so much of my time. One comic a week now isn't too bad, but the Going to Hell saga is taking a little longer than I originally thought.
Oh well.

...And the mind blanks.
I was going to put in an insert from my book, Destroyer - or another story, whatever - but maybe not. The parts are all a bit too long to shove into a DayLog, and I don't feel like trying to start a new fscking node. My bits are all too irrelevant to stay up very long.

So I bid you adieu, and good night.

I saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King last night. For those of you who've enjoyed the trilogy up 'til now ... this one rocks as much as you hope it will. It's awesome, the best of the three.

I do wonder, though, if we're going to see an unusual increase in deaths in the coming weeks.

It's well-documented that the holiday season is hard on sick and depressed people.

Sometimes the very ill are hanging on just so they can see their relatives at one last Christmas. And once their goal is realized, they give in and pass away. For others, of course, the stress of shopping and trying to meet the huge expectations of the season is more than their systems can bear, and they succumb to sickness or heart attacks.

And practially every day in December is a cruel reminder to those without homes and friends and family just how alone they really are. The subtext of every holiday display and TV Christmas special is that if you don't have a family, don't have money for presents or anyone to give them to, then you have no place in our society. So it's no wonder that Christmas cheer drives so many lonely, sad folks to hit the bottle or pull the trigger.

So how does the conclusion of The Lord of the Rings fit into all this?

I had a friend who went through a very bad bout of depression this past year. He, like me, is a huge movie geek. He was suicidal, and had a laundry list of very serious and legitimate problems.

"Why should I keep living?" he demanded. "What do I have to live for?"

Oh God. What to say to him that wouldn't be trite, a facile hang-in-there-buddy platitude, or just downright silly? What to say?

"Return of the King comes out in eleven months," I replied; it was the first thing that popped into my head. "You want to see that, don't you? I mean, it's gonna rock like no movie has rocked before."

To my suprise, he agreed. And in the past 11 months, his depression has lifted and his life has improved dramatically. He has about a dozen other things to look forward to besides Peter Jackson's latest.

But I know good and well there are geeks out there who haven't found jobs, who are still broke and sick and sad and whose depression hangs like the clouds over Mordor.

And I wonder, what will they do when the only thing keeping their spirits up was seeing the conclusion of the trilogy?

When you want something or someone with your whole being, when you've tasted that thing for a brief time only to have it taken away, is it better to have known joy and lost it, or never to have known at all and only dreamed of it?

I feel like my heart is slivered glass. I am cut and bleeding. During the day, when I am busy with family and work, the wounds start to heal. But, alone at night, I pick at the scabs until they bleed afresh. I relive that moment, tormenting myself with the memory, knowing that it can never come again.

Ah, god. I've lost myself. And I am looking for answers in all the wrong places. Alcohol is only a band-aid; sex does not fulfill. Where is my centre? I am undone.