Dream Log: October 6, 2002

My ex-girlfriend, Deirdre, was moving in to the spare bedroom in our house in Clondalkin in a weird attempt to gain access to my life. We were both pretty angry about it and we decided we needed to move out, but it was difficult to know what we should do because there was only three or four weeks left until we were due to leave for the States. I am not used to dealing with people who operate on the kind of level of neurosis and manipulation that would allow someone to stalk another person while pretending that they were acting normally.

Somehow we all ended up walking through Trinity College together - Lindsay, Me, Deirdre, and several other friends from my time in university. It was night-time, and suddenly I had a vision. On top of the old library building in front of us I saw a demon with huge dark wings standing in a cloak of shadow, with burning eyes and a strange, demonic noise issuing outwards - like a cross between the Omen and the Balrog from The Lord of the Rings. I realized that this was the antichrist, who was taking the form of one of Lindsay's ex-boyfriends. He had been in jail for a long time, and now that he was free he wanted her back. He was going to try to gain power over her life, and a big test was coming. I realized all this very quickly and very clearly, but I didn't talk to anyone else about it at the time.

We kept walking, and soon we were at the side of a large, busy motorway. A taxi pulled up beside us and Deirdre stopped it and got in. The taxi was embedded in the asphalt, which was acting as a kind of fluid, so that even though the taxi was only showing from the windows upwards, it was stilll about to drive around as usual. This alerted me that something unusual was happening, and I knew that a test of some kind was coming, so I became highly alert.

Different modes of transport started appearing all around us - buses and more taxis and cars and rickshaws, and I realized we were going to have to choose one of them to be brought to the place where the test would take place. Lindsay started across the road to get in a cab on her own, and I realize that it's incredibly important that we stay together so that I can protect her. We try catching the bus but we end up getting into a cab instead, driven by a young boy. We ask him to take us to an inexpensive hotel, and he says "Okay, how about the Metropole?" Then he starts talking about a famous prostitute with white hair who stays there, and he asks us very indirectly if we would like to have sex with her. I start to shake my head, but Linsday cuts in and says "How much will it cost?" I give her a surprised look, because I would never have expected her to want to do something like this. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask her, and she tells me that she likes the idea.

When we arrive at the hotel we're left alone in a waiting room to wait for someone to come and take us to our room. Lindsay starts telling me what I can and can't do with the prostitute - I can masturbate and come on her, and she can "defecate" on me, but I can't touch her or kiss her. I feel that this is wrong or twisted somehow - rules in Lindsay's mind that don't make much sense. She wants the excitement of sexual experience with another person but she's trying to control and restrict the experience because she's scared that I'll like it too much. The way I feel about it is that the idea excites me, but I don't want to actually do anything that is going to risk our relationship.

Anyway, someone comes in and gives Lindsay a cup of coffee, which she drinks, and I suddenly find that I have no pants on, and neither does she. I don't remember either of us taking them off, so this alerts me again to possible danger. It's my dream "early warning system" - if something outside of the normal "reality" of the dream happens, it alerts me to the presence of a threat, a psychic force of evil trying to attack me through the medium of the dream.

A man comes in to talk to us about our room. Lindsay has started to speak strangely, making very little sense, slurring her words and rolling her eyes. I realize all of a sudden that this is the attack, and the man talking to us right now is the antichrist, her ex-lover. "Did you drug her?" I ask him, but I already know - he's drugging her so that she will not be able to protect herself, or to stop me from from doing something (like having sex with the prostitute) that would permanently damage our relationship. He tries to tell me that everything is okay. I take out my mobile phone. "I'm calling the police," i say. "You're drugged her, and i can't allow anything to happen to her.

I have an advantage. i know that the form of attack that is being made comes with its own set of rules and limitations. The man can't harm us directly, but only use the resources and institutions present in the dream to tempt us to harm ourselves. These same rules mean that I am also free to use whatever resources are available to me through the dream - like calling the police. The man is angry but he can't do anything to stop me. He argues with me, and that's when i decide it's time to wake up.

Something strange happens after I wake up - i decide that i didn't say everything i needed to say to the man, so i go as far back down into the dream state as i am able, and say: "I know this was a test, and I'm ending it too early, and maybe we should have followed this through to the end for our own good. But i can't allow any harm to come to Lindsay. If you could explain to me, directly, how this test will benefit us if we allow it to continue, then i would listen to you, but you didn't approach us like that. It was all indirect and deceptive and took the form of an attack, and so i have no choice. i have to do whatever is necessary to protect her. She's my wife."

Recurring Dream Themes
Part One: The Three Queens

This is for those that expressed interest in my recurring dream themes, and their interpretations, here goes...

The Three Queens has been a powerful theme in my recurring dreams since my experience with death. They first appeared during the dream state I went into immediately after my death experience. That dream state may or may not have been part of that experience but I believe it occurred due to heightened awareness of my subconscious at that fertile time.

I believe there are patterns in our life which we either consciously or unconsciously enter into. They repeat themselves because we, as people, tend to fall into the same traps and follow the same familiar paths time after time. There are sometimes lessons to be learned from these patterns. Sometimes the patterns are beneficial. At other times they are patterns we need to break in order to grow. The pattern of The Three Queens has always told me a great deal about my relationships with women.

In the original dream there was an old man at a card table. I sat across from him while he dealt out and turned over three cards. They were the Queen of Diamonds, the Queen of Clubs and the Queen of Hearts. Each one reacted differently when I reached out to grab them. The Queen of Diamonds moved away from my grasp, always staying just out of my reach. The distance between my finger and the card was measurable in millimeters. The Queen of Clubs allowed me to touch it, even to wrap my fingers around it and pick it up. It would soon after burst into flames and burn my fingers. The pain from this traveled up my arm and throughout my body and I would have to drop the card. Then, I could pick up the Queen of Hearts and the burning would be healed and the pain would disappear. In later dreams I would try to pick them up in a different order, but it was not possible. The order in which I reached for them could not be altered. The cards would all disappear if I tried to change the order and the card table and the old man would disappear as well, leaving me alone on a desert plain.

The One Queen. The dreams sent me to Orlando to find someone, who turned out to be a waitress named Tina. It took me through a cycle that began with Tina and led through a series of three women who I believe were meant to be a living example of my pattern. This is a queen for whom I feel an overpowering attraction on every conceivable level. There is a sense that this is "The One" and it is necessary to gain her favor and her love. It never works. It becomes intense and overpowering and as close as I become to a One Queen, she always remains just a step away. The natural sense is to see failure as a result of being unable to build a successful "romantic relationship" with the One Queen, and yet time has shown me that this is a simplistic view. The One Queen is a teacher as well as a student and much of her role in my life is to teach me things about myself, both strengths and weaknesses. I have only known two One Queens in my life, Tina and The Muse. Both have challenged me on many levels and forced me to grow beyond what I considered to be my limitations. Both have such a powerful influence over me that to be with them in some kind of earthly relationship would likely destroy both of us. There is an overwhelming passion that goes beyond the sexual and creates storms across the emotional landscape of both the heart and soul. The One Queen empowers my spirit.

The Two Queen. The Two Queen normally comes on the heels of a draining and powerful dalliance with the One Queen. There have been four Two Queens. Three came on the heels of The Muse and one of the heels of Tina. They are generally less challenging mentally and emotionally and at first are representative of fun and enjoyment of life. There is opportunity to relax at first, but then the relationship develops. The Two Queen is very physical and sexual and always provides the best sexual experiences I have known. Yet, as time goes by she becomes like a wounded animal that doesn't know which way to turn. The joy turns to sorrow and the Two Queen shows a desire to be accepted and loved. This expressed desire preceeds some kind of betrayal, which in the dream is represented by the burning and the pain. The betrayal is generally on the sexual level, which grows out of the fact that the attraction and love is primarily in the physical realm. Every Two Queen has been discovered sleeping with other men during the course of a relationship during which she pleads for my acceptance and asks that I prove to her that I truly love her no matter what and desire no other. Her need for love and acceptance is tied to her inability to give what she asks for.

The Three Queen. The end of the physical and romantic relationship with the Two Queen usually leaves me feeling broken and torn. There is some degree of anger and resentment but also a need for forgiveness. The Three Queen generally follows soon after things fall apart with the Two Queen. There have been three true Three Queens. Each has come from seemingly nowhere once I reach the depths of despair over perceived personal failures resulting from the collapse with the Two Queen. I am now married to a Three Queen. One of the stranger twists in the Three Queen pattern is that after my death, The Muse appeared as a Three Queen instead of her usual status as the primary One Queen. For a while I considered this to be a gift resulting from the change in direction that resulted from my experience with death. For several months we were united, she gave me reassurances, and her words and actions took the shape of the healing and accepting voice of a Three Queen. This changed the moment we attempted to consummate our relationship on a physical level. It was as if we had both been snakebit and it drove us apart for several months, after which she reappeared and her role in my life once again took the path of a One Queen.

Patterns.

There are patterns in our life and understanding them is a valuable way in which we can explore and see ourselves. Often we avoid realization on levels where we are frail and wounded. We repeat patterns over and over, usually not even realizing what we are doing. We are drawn to things in life, whether they are good for us or not. We make mistakes and repeat them. However, it is possible to follow the patterns and see where they lead. When we are aware of these patterns they can teach us things. I can recognize "queens" with relative ease these days. I continue to be fascinated by those who display the characteristics of One Queens because those characteristics and the person who carries them is so powerful in my personal reality. Having identified a One Queen here on this website, my fascination continues to grow, and exploration is easy. After all, I broke the pattern by marrying a Three Queen, which gives me stability and happiness on the relationship front. Yet there remains an empty place in my soul and a continued need to understand the nature of the One Queen. There are still so many answers there about myself. My life is about answering those questions and reaching a higher level of understanding and sometimes this can best be done by looking into the mirror. The One Queen is a mirror that magnifies and allows me to see more clearly those things that are difficult to admit and examine on my own accord. Sometimes you can only see what you need to see when you are turned inside out.