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All webcomics are the same.

This bears repeating: all webcomics are the same!

They are all the same, all the same, all the same. Don't make me beat the desk to emphasize this point.

Okay, maybe they're not, but most are awfully similar in more ways than different. A webcomic tends to follow a quantum-like variation of the one true webcomic, which exists only as abstraction, but has a kind of quasi-reality, being a thing that so many other things are only one or two removes from. Averaging together the many individual examples, you can deduce their primordial seed buried deep in the psyche of all web cartoonists, which all their souls must have read in the Heavenly Times, sitting in that celestial waiting room where God assigned bodies. Webcomics as a whole are a cloud of probability that, when viewed at a distance, with your eyes out of focus, suddenly snaps into a coherent image, that of the Generic Webcomic.

For the purposes of scientific classification and your enjoyment, I will now describe that image.

Character One, we'll call him Shorty, even though he hates that name. He (always male) is one jump away from Milo of Bloom County, though many people, and usually the strip creator, would say he's related to Calvin. He is not. He's lecherous, though typically unsuccessful, but always trying, like Individuals, and Ataru Moroboshi, though more laid back. His trademark is the sly aside. He is always short, for whatever that is worth in a description of a meta-comic from which variation is expected.

Character Two is named Tia Aee, and her breasts are approximately the size of a Buick. That explains almost more about this character than can be actually said. Wait, I forgot to mention that her ass is made from cast iron. Yes, that sums up the important parts nicely. The character is frequently exhibited (there is no better term in the English language for this) with as little clothing as the creator feels he can get away with. Since there is really no such thing as Internet censorship, this is frequently little indeed.

Character Three is an animal. Granted, One and Two could be too, but there is always at least one. Often, world conquest is his aim. Right away we know from where the cartoonist got this idea, and you don't see many new Dilbert books these days, eh? There is always a Dogbert, but almost never does a web cartoonist choose to imitate one of the great animals, such as Snoopy, Opus, Hobbes, or Pogo. This is because anything expressing intellectual depth, personal insecurity, genuine warmth or any sort of charm is out of fashion, and has been since the invention of the cathode ray tube. But you can count on any animals to attempt to advance the general tone of recursive irony and post-modernist hilarity. (Same thing when you reduce fractions.)

In addition to the preceding characters, the Generic Webcomic also contains the following elements:
A character, sometimes one of the above, usually the animal, wants to take over the world. If it's not the animal it's someone else, but megalomania is always present in some form.
Other characters may include: more animals (often by the truckload), major historical figures, deities, demigods, demons, dragons, little flitting winged creatures in skimpy costume, aliens and/or zombies.
One strip in ten refers to itself, and is about as advisable as other forms of self-modifying code.
"Stories" tend to be loose associations of themed jokes.
A well-defined setting chosen from: suburbia, an apartment, or an office.
A well defined theme chosen from: recursive irony.
One story in three consists entirely of parody references to some thing which is not generally enjoyable to a general audience, ranging the entire gamut from Star Trek to Star Wars.
Every strip must carry a non-sequitur gag as part of the title or by-line, as decreed by the Federal Comics Administration.
While "adventure" comics and other serial examples of the breed should theoretically deviate greatly from the template, in practice they do not.
Oh, and they also all want to look like manga, if you can believe that.

The people who love these comics tend to enthuse about their "Gee I'm drawing a comic strip!" style. The people who hate these comics tend to complain about their "Gee I'm drawing a comic strip!" style.

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