I have always been the type to sit working in a cold room for hours, not realizing I am shivering until someone brings me a sweater. Not stubbornness just idiocy.   Oh. Yes, I guess I was cold. Thank you.   So, nameless, I apologize for leaving you till last, when yours was the conversation which needed having. Subtle, enormous, I will be needing a hundred more of those please.

The word Lovely has thousands of connotations, many of which I will assign to you, right now. I may assign you emotions which are not yet rooted. I may ignore that which grows ripe. I do that sort of thing. I will go on warning you about me until you listen, or until you don't.

What was your lunch today, I want to know. What was last year. What was your most excellent snow sky. Where were you when we were both falling apart the same year but did not know it yet. Bless your brown eyes smiling. You were listening, is the end of the first best part. Did I charm you? I was trying.

I liked your weight and presence, I liked the warmth of your brain coming up through your hair, warm against me, it was a privilege. Past that, I have thought only as far ahead as hands on shoulders (this is untrue.) and future, future, I try not to ask myself. because even the good answers are frightening (this is untrue.) Bless my careful words, make it simple.

You leave such nice real words lying around and I take them, I am shameless, but I have saved some of mine for you. - something about low sweet pigeons, something about morning air relaxing into day, they will sort themselves out and come to you in an envelope, sealed.

We will drive around the world talking nothing but questions (laughing) and every hundred miles I will knock you off a chair, I will try.

Guess what else I will do for you, I will not try to kill this. I will try to feed you.

These words are not much, anonymous. But they are for you, take them. I think I will say this more than once. The worst part is, the best part, you are reading this knowing it is for you, and it is your job to keep hush, entirely, no one can know it yet. They will know some of it but they will not know the best secret, we will laugh over it later. Oh, no. Look, you've gone and made me optimistic. I was before, but now it is showing.

Carrying around a space for you, handsome. On the train there are empty seats on either side of me, I do not think this is a mistake. Like maybe they can feel it, and the talking is quiet, muted, as though they are all somber by reason of your absence.

We can have our cake, handsome, and eat it, but when the party ends it is always cleanup time. Kids know this easy, why do we make it difficult? Save the memories, trash the rest. Neat sweep and you could be so delicious. I already know this but it might be like leftovers. Would not taste the same, however sweet.

Trying to leave it whole, handsome. The picture says we are both strong enough to stay unharmed, but I would like to be sure. Missing you is constant, dulled, and I may be slower but am still steady in my survival. More cautious.

Here are some true words for you, handsome. Does not matter whether it is they make sense or just feel right. You will know what to do with them.

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