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or, How not to have your nicotine stick of death shoved down your throat by rabid anti-smokers

Welcome! For some esoteric reason, you've become addicted to those little carcinogenic sticks of death. To some people, you're cool. To others, you're a social pariah. You're a little fed up with the anti-smoking crusaders who won't cut you any slack, but you'd like to be a nice polite member of society and not adversely impact the rest of the world.

Here are some tips for you.

You radiate smoke
No, really. After you smoke a cigarette, especially if you had to suck one down on an erstwhile "smoke break," there is a stale odor all over you. Many people can feel this aura at ten feet. Most can smell it. So what do you do?
  • Don't go to a non-smoker's cube right after your smoke break.
  • Don't suck down a cigarette right before getting a ride from someone.
Smoke blows downwind
You go outside to take a well-earned nicotine hit, find a nice spot in the sun, and light up. Actually, you probably lit up as soon as you stepped outside, but that's another problem. Check out the wind. Did you just grab the upwind table in the courtyard? Don't do it. Try to sit downwind. Give somebody who wants fresh air a chance to get it.
Don't defend yourself
You're a smoker. There are no smoker's rights, just as there are no alcoholic's rights. If someone wants to convince you you're evil, give them the same stare you give to religious missionaries at your door. But don't try to tell the nonsmokers that you have a right to smoke.
Non-smoking area means don't smoke
You'd think this would be obvious. Odds are, you pay attention to these. But if you miss one, and someone points it out to you, look sheepish. Don't give them an evil glare for it.
Don't make comparisons about the evils of other vices
Just as a nonsmoker sounds stupid when they compare nicotine to plutonium, you sound stupid when you compare it to alcohol or car fumes.
Open windows suck
You live in an apartment, and you walk onto the porch to smoke. See that open window on the first floor? Someone who enjoys fresh air opened it. Now, you're shoving smoke in at them. Move.
Properly dispose of your butts
Don't stamp out the butts into someone's front yard as you walk by. Don't flick them to the ground to let them burn themselves out. If you want to smoke in your car, use your ashtray. A cigarette butt is litter. Dispose of it properly.
You'll note that none of these "rules" infringe on your right to do as you choose in the privacy of your own home. The purpose is to allow you to demonstrate good faith as a smoker to be courteous to others.

About the noder: cordelia is a rabid nonsmoker who watched two grandparents die foul deaths from lung cancer. cordelia also spent several years as a bartender working in smoke-filled bars. cordelia is that person who will ask you to extinguish your butt if you're smoking somewhere you shouldn't be.

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