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      I have come deep inside my head upon this journey,
                    in the middle of a deep dark storm


**
      I'm driving on familiar streets through old neighborhoods
                                     as they scramble before me
                       pieces of road torn up like
                                                              little black dominos
                                     like rain being sent back to the sky
                                       as I drive <--------------- back
                                  to the old hometown of my mind


                                          trying to find and fix something that I left behind
                                                but it's something that I don't think I can hold
                                            and something dangerous that I know I shouldn't want
                                                because I found it in the moment I completely lost control


(you know what I'm talking about,)
(don't you?)

(you think so)


**
                                                                                 to undo a knot
                                                                                       is to complete the work
                                                                                of whatever or whoever
                                                                                               tied the knot
,
                                                                                               whether or not
                                                                                it was tied with any sense of
                                                                                                          control


                                                 and so I'm trying to retrieve
                                                    what it is I'm looking for in
                                                 the simplest way I know how:
                                                          by going back
                                                retracing my steps back to
                                                                 the way that I came in,

                                                                              but
                                                                                     to a mere mortal,
                                                                                     time is not a knot


**
           the roads which I have chosen
           to bring me closer to the center
           of this weary old town of my mind
           than I've ever managed to get, to lying
           in the grassy center of town square
           sunbathing in the eye of the storm
           as the skyscrapers and storefronts
           are ripped to pieces in silence around me

           as I feel the peace that comes from finding any origin
           of undoing and reaccomplishing everything,
           of breaking down in the glow of my possessions
           disassembling myself, and spreading,
           spreading myself in the grass as nothing,
           as absolutely nothing,
                                            these are
                                                           the

                                                                   SAME
                                                                             DAMN
                                                                                        ROADS

                                                                   who cheat and betray me now, who tell me
                                                                   I cannot go back the way I came in,
                                                                   who do not cheat logic, but create it in spite
                                                                   who change the game as it's being played
                                                                                                     and who say "you
                                                                   canNOT undo the knot of your life, it's as if
                                                                   it was traced in the air by a flailing shark
                                                                   out of water, unrecordable, with no grip
                                                                   on the mudslide of circumstances as they approach
                                                                   moment by moment, relentless, no access"

                                                                   as I'm forced to turn in my captured destruction
                                                                   for blackened gold, as I'm forced to face the truth
                                                                   that there is no road that will ever lead
                                                                                                                                   back...


                                                                                                                             as
                                                                                                                       I
                                                                                                             fall

                                                                                              forward


                                                                                       in-
                                                                               to
                                                                     the

                                                    center


**
there are still minutes of my life
missing from my mind
from blackouts and overdoses,
from contact with another side
a state of energy which is
heedless to the flow of time
when I had no memory
only lucidity and light

                                                 and now, for once I find myself
                                                 wanting forbidden fruit
                                                 to see the things I've been protected from
                                                 to journey unopposed
                                                 through the endlessness of the self
                                                 as if trying to fill a leaky bucket
                                                 with a neverending river
                                                                                       of
                                                                          consciousness
                                                                                       of
                                                                                  memory
                                                                                       of
                                                                                existence

           I am prepared to do what cannot be done in this form
             and I know my greatest work is yet to come
           but I will choose when it's my time
           and choose to wait among the world because
           I only have to die once,
                                                     just like anyone




                     turn inside out
                     shake upside down
                     be willing to use and to
                     allow myself to be used

make quiet peace with life                
there is no such thing as past                
there is no record, just infinity                
and there's no need to go back                

or even forward, for that matter
simply float



**
                                        I've grown a life inside
                                        the knot of myself
                                        I've seen it rearrange before
                                        I've had the chance to snatch it up
                                        like a fly, like a picture
                                        a shutter-churn, and memorize
                                        the path and pattern of its loops,
                                        to draw my escape plan in reverse, by rote

                                        against the great equalizer
                                        that levels the ground into a war zone
                                        turning the hourglasses and
                                        changing the locks
                                        a faceless smile
                                        shuffling the deck
                                        in the foreground of a fire that's
                                        slowly closing in, but

                      today,
    I am driving
    in the black domino rain
    away from the old town
    with this strange, unsettled
             peace that I've found

   
    through mud tornados
                     tense with pride
    with wonder and worry
                     doubts and eyes

            outside
                  inside

originally drafted August, 2014

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