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Hello Friends,

Today we're going to tackle a problem that, given the state of the economy, a fair number of you seem to be interested in. Lately I've been getting a lot of letters like this:

These days money's tighter than a you-know-what, and by the end of the month my porn budget, among other things, is shotI'd like to make my own porn but I also want my projects to have a little pizazzsuggestions?”

I've done more than a few DIY projects in my time if you know what I mean, so I understand. What you're after is some footage good enough that if, heaven forbid, you keeled over tomorrow, your kids wouldn't be too embarrassed for the wrong reasons if they found it.

Now, the first thing you want to think about is lighting, lighting's important. As you know, I was in “the business” for a looong time and when I say “looong”, believe-you-me, I know what I'm talking about. Made a few friends.  Maybe an enemy here or there...maybe someone you've heard of...a Miss Suzanne Somers...

She wasn't in “the business” you understand, goodness no, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, or anything else...no, this was waaay back, at Van Nuys Community College...I have done other things besides porn you know...there was this little theater group at VNCC...well that's all water under the bridge I suppose...lighting. Right. Now, with lighting, change needs to be gradual, you don't want it to look like you suddenly turned a blinding...

Blanche.

Blanche DuBois.

A Streetcar Named Desire”. “It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow”. Blanche says that. Back at Van Nuys, I was up for the part of Blanche and I would've gotten it too.  But then in walks Miss Suzanne, and I don't know who she slept with to get that part but she stole it right out from under me.

Lost my confidence after that. Got a couple of commercials, local stuff, a car dealership and...oh, look at me going on like this. Let's just get back to lighting.  Now lighting is important because porn is mostly visual and even with great “equipment” ha-ha, you need the proper lighting so you can see how the “action” ha-ha, plays out.

Plays out.

You know what played out is? My youth was suddenly gone up the water-spout.

No no no, not me, that's “Streetcar” again, that's Blanche, and that was my best line too, "You know what played out is?", I nailed that…

Then in walks Miss Suzanne all high and mighty...and where does that leave me, doing a Ken “Kenny” Kenshaw's Autoworld gig where all I do is walk on and say, “Hi, Ken!“, is where that leaves me.

And a bee.

I did one Hun-ee-Bee Honey commercial.

I'm a bee, and I say, “What's all the buzz about?”

Soooo....porn.

It's good money and pays the bills but...from Blanche in “Streetcar” to Pookie in “Sleazeball Sluts 3”...

“Pookie”.

Three.

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