Your friend Behr here with not much time to talk. Just enough for an update for my friends and supporters here on everything2 brand website.
A couple days ago I was feeling good as the FBI men told me that the German government had intervened on my behalf. What a relief to be saved by the Fatherland just at the last minute. I was afraid the Obama-era FBI men were going to lock me up for sure. I was.
Yesterday some German men and a lady named Angela who I think was the wife of the Furher or something. We had strange conversation which I will transcribe from the tape recorder they left in here when they went to lunch.
"We had to get the DNA results back to make sure, Mr. Goats, but it appears you actually do exist."
"I'm right here existing as they say on the internet web."
"Mr. Goats, your name isn't actually Berhardt Goats. Your name is Itzak Berky, and after your father was killed when the Nazis invaded Czechoslovakia, your mother was rescued by one of the German soldiers and taken to Berlin."
"Fake news. Where did you hear this? CNN? Let me speak to the Fuhrer."
"Mr. Berky, the reason I am here is because you are a legend in the anals of history. Have you ever heard the story of The Bear of Berlin?"
"I am pureblood Aryan and my mother was of Palestinian stock."
"No, you are Romany, as were your father and mother."
"Roman Empire? Am I Caesar?"
"No. Look, Mr. Berky--"
"Not my name. My name is Mr. Goats. Friends call me Behr. You seem now unfriendly to me."
"We want to help you, Mr. Berky. Your father became involved in immoral and unethical medical experiments and you were the test subject. They did terrible things to you, giving you an augmented hand that functions as a weapon, allowing you to saw through a person's hamstring from a distance while making it look like someone else did the deed. They inserted animals into your rectum and created a new life form that used your scrotum as a place to lay its eggs. Many other things were done. They were trying to turn you into a superweapon. We don't want to hurt you, Mr. Berky, we want to apologize to you on behalf of the German government."
"Can I go now?"
"We can't let you out on the streets. You've already proven yourself too dangerous. It is much like it was in Berlin in 1945 when you raged through the streets killing anyone who got in your way. They said you looked like a crazy bear instead of a human being. Oh, Mr. Berky, the Americans don't know how high your body count really is."
"I'm building a theme park which will feature themes relevant to The Holy Bible and the United States Constitution. I will be there for the grand opening."
"Mr. Berky, I'm afraid the FBI has already seized your property and sealed it off. All of your assets have been seized. Your only choice is to come with us or the Americans will give you the death penalty."
"They ought to give that to anyone living off the government dole if you ask me. I'll crush some fucking snowflake's face right into their breakfast cereal and laugh my ass off. Let me see the Fuhrer."
"We're going to break for lunch, Mr. Berky. Why don't you get some rest."
"Yes, and also I will masturbate."