Thinking about my friend's marriage
One of my two equally-best-friends gets married in three days. It's not my wedding but... oddly enough, I am thinking about it a lot. I am not sure why. Silly me! I'm so quirky, tee-hee! Perhaps it is because I will end up becoming friends with his wife, though I don't really find myself thinking about that. I do wonder if it will change the nature of our friendship. The only difference I can fathom is not being able to make a rare gay joke here and there.
The other best-friend is flying to town and will be staying with me. We'll go to the wedding together. Maybe I'm just anticipating having fun. It's whatever. I still haven't bought a wedding gift. Three days. Yeah!
Music
Another thing I can't stop doing is listening to a song about incestual rape. Why? I have no fucking idea. I shouldn't be listening to this, but it sounds so fucking good though. My morality is being compromised by liking a sound. It wouldn't be the first time, though; Angels of Porn 2 had me hooked for a week because it sounds good, but it glorifies anorexia and damnation. Very silly! :-)
I added a bunch of music to my profile on this radical website, and I will likely add more. Maybe I will node some of it, if I get the energy.
Going off my meds
With the blessing of my psychiatrist, we are trying a little "experiment" in which I am going to go off two of my three medications -- everything but lamotragine. We'll see how it goes. I predict that I'm likely to go manic, and I predict that I might end up being depressed, but I don't know if I could be any more miserable like this than I was before -- if anything I'll either be the same or better. He suspects that the "experiment" is a good way of checking if I need medication to function. He suspects that I do. I don't know what to expect, and it kind of scares me, but I'm hoping it'll give me some fucking energy so I'm not so fatigued and sleepy all the time. Time will tell.
Tetris and machine-surgery
I fixed an old and broken NES today. I really wanted to give my mother the NES and my copy of Tetris because she loved playing that before I had the noded Retron 5 connected to my own TV. The NES worked fine 2 years ago, but it sat in a humid and hot garage for 2 years and somehow it did not read the games. It started, but either booted to a white screen or it got super fucko-boingo. I should feel proud of myself for performing techno-surgery, but I am not; it was super easy. I simply unscrewed it, removed the "72 pin connector", and then I boiled it for 25 minutes, and shoved that fellow back on the motherboard once it dried. It still didn't work at first, which annoyed me. I performed some percussive maintenance and now it reads runs the games. I have to insert them a couple of times for a good read, but my mother and I played Tetris.
She is consistently better than me, somehow, despite her age and what she supposes is low IQ (she doesn't articulate well and sometimes has a hard time understanding when I try to communicate, despite the fact that I articulate very well, a fact that other people have confirmed.) I think she's more intelligent than she realizes. Perhaps she is just good at tetris. I think she's 55 or 56, so she's not "old", but she tells me that she used to be much sharper.
Gaming
I've been playing a lot of Apex Legends lately, and I think I raised my playtime by 80 hours in the past month. Very cool. I'm getting better but I'm still trash. Here is me winning. Here is me winning again. I played Titanfall 2, which is set in the same universe, and it's amazing, probably the best single-player first-person shooter I've ever played. Eventually, I would very much like to node them both, but again, we will see how much energy I have.
I also started playing Pokemon Blue again (Generation 1). I suspect the cartridge I aquired is a reproduction cartridge, but it runs the game so I don't particularly care. I run it on my Retron 5 and get beautiful lovely graphics. My Gameboy Color's speaker is non-operational and the screen is a tad scratched. I could repair it, but don't care to spend the money.
I'm not going to catch any pokemon, and I'm not going to fill my party. The only pokemon I care to catch and evolve is a Vulpix, which evolves into Ninetails. Also, Flareon. All the other fellows just don't interest me enough for me to raise them. I know it will make the game harder, but one-pokemon games have been done, so surely I can do a three-pokemon game. It'll just take me longer to train them. That being said, training six pokemon requires more effort. I'm in Pewter City currently, trying to train my level 12 Bulbasaur by decimating Level 2 fellows, so it will take a while.
Reading
I'm trying to read Nietzsche right now. I like him, but he's not the lightest read in the world. Aurelius' Meditations was a light read. Maybe I will switch to reading something lighter, like Critique of Pure Reason. (Joke.)
I made a goodreads profile and added my to-read books to it. Eventually I'd like to write reviews, perhaps node them. I just haven't had the energy these past months.
For my birthday, I was given some cash, and bought a few books:
It was a very silly time! I also wanted to get the two anthologies of Overwatch comics but they are collectively $50 USD and I've already read them all on the website so... I abstained.
There was a sale at my local library, two dollar admission and all books and DVDs were one dollar, so I bought $10 items. I forgot my wallet like a dumbass and a friend that I went with is a legend and covered my books. I'll pay him back of course. The funny thing is, if I didn't forget my wallet, I wouldn't have been able to do it anyway -- they only accepted cash, and I have all my money on my card.
At the sale, I got:
- "The Idiot" by Dostoevsky, unsure of what it's about but my good friend likes Dostoevsky.
- "Walden and Civil Disobedience" by Henry David Thoreau, I think it's his "manifesto"
- "The Aeineid" by Virgil with a very pretty cover, which will sit proudly next to The Iliad, also with a pretty cover
- "The Oresteia" by Aeschylus, also next to the Iliad. It's a series of three ancient-greek plays.
- "Republican Rome" by H. L. Havell, unsure of where to put this on my shelf but it's on the history of, well, Republican Rome.
- "Existentialism: Basic Writings", which is Nietzsche, Kiekegaard, Heidegger, and Sartre. Unsure of how cherry-picked it is, but it can't hurt me.
- "The Reformation" by Hans J. Hillerbrand, a history of the Reformation.
- "Artificial Life" by Steven Levy, which is apparently about emergent properties and focuses on computer sentience. It could be total bullshit, but it looked interesting.
- "Elements of Rhetoric and Composition" by Hills, this book was printed in the late 19th century!
My good friend gave me a book for my birthday entitled "Unspoken Sermons" by George Macdonald. I want to commit the mortal sin of reading the sermons aloud on tape, therefore speaking the sermons. Funny thing is, I might actually do it -- that is how bored I am. Perhaps I will get copyright struck. Perhaps I will be commended for being a good Christian and Jesus will give me a little golden throne in heaven. Perhaps both, but I suspect the former.
I also bought a movie -- The Joker (2019, the one with Phoenix). I will put it on my shelf, next to Pulp Fiction and American Psycho. Now I just need Donnie Darko and my life will be complete.
Donjaime told me once that I should read more after he saw the complete and utter bullshit pseudo-philosophical rambling I posted one time a couple of years ago (my words, not his.) I hope to fulfill his request this year, perhaps it will take multiple years though due to the nature of these books. My beliefs have changed a lot in the past two years. Despite my devout and fervent Christianity, I am beginning to develop a disdain for the religion (or, more specifically, organized religion and the institution of the church.) We will see what I become in the coming years.
If any of you fellow noders have suggestions as to which of these I should read first, please message me.
Silly things
My awesome and pricey pencil holder keeps tipping over when I type on my keyboard (the vibrations onto the desk do it), making it effectively totally useless. Maybe I will buy some washers, drill a hole in the bottom, and hot-glue them in. It will probably never happen. Perhaps I can convince my father to do it. He's much more tool-savvy, being a bona-fide Macgyver.
I'm losing weight and I'm not sure why. I've lost 14 pounds the past few weeks. I am not complaining about this because I had a bit of a tummy and still do somewhat, but I am worried that I'm somehow under-eating. It's not that I'm hungry. For example, today I ate one hotdog when I wake up and simply was not hungry until bedtime, at which point I ate a bowl of cereal or something. That being said, I consumed a soda and a hot chocolate with these meals, so I am getting calories. If it becomes a problem I'll calorie-track, and if it becomes a serious problem I'll see a doctor. It's not a body-image thing, I genuinely am not hungry. But I'm losing a lot of weight very quickly. Ugh.
I got a signed poster of my favorite Overwatch character (fictional), named Echo. (She is the robot.) Unsure if I've sent this before. I know it's something that a teenager would do and I'm in my mid-20s, but I'm a fucking dweeb and this brings me a shred of joy, which makes it worth it. What's funny is that, I set it on my floor by the window to take a photo, and in that moment a particularly heavy book toppled over, sending my bookend crashing directly into the poster. Do you see the white spot on Dr. Liao's neck? That's the damage the bookend did. It's still worth the money, though
Potential anger problems
The other day I had a particularly disturbing dream in which my sister was raped. I woke up, and thought for a moment with my morning-brain, and concluded that if that happened I would buy a pistol, track the guy down and shoot the motherfucker in the head, looking him dead in the eyes as I did it. I'd turn myself in, plead guilty, say I am fully responsible and know that it's wrong, which is the truth. I think I'd just be so angry that nothing could stop me. I then realized that it would be an egregious sin to do such a thing. As I've said earlier, I'm a bad Christian. I actually do think this is a problem and that I should work on it, but part of it is probably that... well, that Christianity is a meek religion; turn the other cheek, forgive, love your enemies. Maybe I have anger issues. I don't want to be an angry person. Still, the hypothetical reaction remains unchanged. I know it's wrong, and I am completely certain I would not be able to stop myself. My friend and I used to watch videos of people dying for the shock factor, morbid curiosity; I'm so desensitized to horror that I don't even think it'd disgust me. Getting the gun would be the hard part.
Accidentally emailing senators
I accidentally emailed a bunch of politicians and I don't know what I sent. The story is a bit silly. Some NRA organization sent me a form saying that guns were going to be taken away from everyone completely and forever by some bill that was being voted on. I mean, sure, I want more gun control; mandatory mental health checks, personality tests that check for tendency for agression, etc. -- however, I still think the average joe should always be able to have a gun if they like, for self defense and home-theft-deterrant. So I checked some boxes, attached my name and phone, and that was it. Apparently, it emailed a few paragraphs to various politicians, signed with my name. I found this out when I got an email from Joni Ernst in reply. Nothing in my sent folder. These motherfuckers sent an email in my name. Maybe it was stated on the application I sent and I didn't pay attention; maybe it's my fault. I want to see the email. Ugh.
My dead twin
Apparently I had a fucking twin in the womb and the twin died. I remember my father offhandedly mentioning it when I was 16 or 17 and my mother got very angry with him, saying I should not know about it. I think it's stupid. Anyway, I guess it was later in the pregnancy, and my mother's one of those religious people that believe the fetus has a human soul. I remember that she wanted me to get prayer about it, sometime last year I think, in case my "soul" is upset about it but not my mind. I don't believe in that stuff, but I did it with her because I knew it'd mean a lot to her, maybe bring her peace. Prayer is a powerful tool for people. Why not?
I remember when I first found out at 16. I remember going to bed and sitting there, just wondering if I should feel guilt for existing. I guess I also believed the fetus had a soul back then. Now I'm frankly indifferent. But I remember thinking, "I lived and they died. There was no reason. It shouldn't have happened. What if I shouldn't have lived?" I was being sentimental and mopey, but at the time that is how I genuinely felt. Did it permanently affect me, long-term? Did it change me? I don't know. I want to say I doubt it, but I don't. Maybe slightly. Nobody knows.
We were talking about it, and she cried about it. I guess miscarriage is traumatic if you're for some reason fond of an unborn child. That being said, I don't know what it's like to be pregnant; maybe the oxytocin is in overdrive. I don't judge or condemn her, I understand it's meaningful for her, I am simply not a sentimental person; it takes effort for me to put herself in her shoes.
Anyway, she requested that I should yet again go get prayer for it. She's listened to these cooky audiobooks by some goofy pastor who believes that dead people can remain on the planet, attach themselves to people, and try to passively inhabit their body, therefore the body has "two souls". One has full control, and the other just fucks around I guess. I guess she's convinced that my awful health is because of my dead twin not wanting to go to heaven.
I know it would comfort her, I know it would probably give her closure, but I'm not going to get prayer for something I think is complete bullshit. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my twin died unfairly and doesn't want me to succeed if they can't. I don't care. I refuse. I did it once. It felt iffy. I'm not going to do it again. Unless God comes down and tells me, I'm moderately certain that not going to. Am I bad a person? Maybe it would be good for her. Maybe I'm an asshole. It's fucking whatever.
I broke my tooth because I am a silly little fellow
I chipped a tooth the other day, I was struck by a bout of anxiety and was biting my nails, a habit I am not proud of. Anyway, the tooth is chipped and now it's jagged. I can't stop feeling it with my tongue. My tongue is sore because it keeps snagging, yet I continue. I find myself wondering if I will lose taste buds, and thinking that I should stop... yet I continue. Very silly, very goofy.
I want to be punched and I don't really know why
I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to be beaten. I have no idea why. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just want someone to clock me hard on the cheek, or jab me hard in the ribs. I kind of want to hit someone, too. I know something has to be wrong with me. I know it sounds like I'm angry about something or at someone, but I'm not angry, I promise. I'm not happy, really, but I'm not angry. It's just... it's been a growing desire of mine, slowly swelling over the past year or two. Now it's so strong that I honestly might pay someone to hit me. I don't know the price I'd put on it. Probably ten bucks. I need to know how it feels. It doesn't feel like a want; it feels like a need, despite the fact that I know I'm fine. Thinking back to when I had strong nicotine cravings, it feels like that, it's honestly a bit disruptive. I know there's only one way to make it go away, though. My friend's coming up from Texas tomorrow. Once the wedding's over, I might pay him 20 bucks to slug me a couple of times. I'm pretty sure he'd do it. He can justify it; it's consensual, I want it. Plus, 20 bucks? That's substantial.
Maybe it's an adrenaline thing. I used to chase adrenaline, but in ways I could get away with. Pouring lighter fluid in a steady stream onto a roaring fire. Playing the knife game with increasingly heavy knives. Drinking past my limit. Provoking strangers. I don't anymore, of course; I'm a very good adult.
Negative and upsetting things that I've been hating lately
My humor's broken and I can't seem to fix it. Telling jokes I shouldn't, really pushing the limits of how much discomfort I can inflict on other people while getting away with it. If someone gets offended I apologize, I'm not an asshole, but still. "You're such a idiot" with heavy sarcasm in my voice, or a tiny racist joke. Making words sound like a slur. Sometimes when I play Overwatch, my friend will say with great feigned shock and surprise, "___ said the D-word!!!", to which I very innocently say "dyke?". Maybe I'll tack on (very innocently of course) "is that a slur?" just to make it edgier. I always get a laugh, and I laugh, but I hate myself every single time. I keep doing it. Will I ever fix it? I don't know.
I cuss a lot. A lot of inanimate objects are "motherfuckers". I haven't prayed or read my bible in probably a year or more, aside from maybe three whisper prayers. I find that I have to "tolerate" the Christian opinions that I hear at house-church discussion. On paper, I fully agree with them, so why do I feel annoyance in it?
I listen to vile music. I watch vile movies. I might be a lot less depressed if I filled myself with "wholesome" shit. But... optimism, positivity, it makes me angry, and I don't know why. It pisses me off, even though I know it's "correct". I avoid positive people. I don't know why. It's really quite silly of me.
I know God probably doesn't like any of this. I know he's probably disappointed. Does it make him sad? Does it make him angry? I feel too unworthy to pray. I feel like, if I were to even try to put myself before the eyes of God, he would see me a disgusting. I am, too. I am a horrible Christian and frankly I don't know if I'm a good person. I used to try but it just takes so much energy to hold myself accountable.
Psychiatrist told me I've been having "passive suicidal ideation". It surprised me. I thought I was doing quite better. I'm so good at buttoning-up I even convinced myself. I find it kind of funny, I think I couldn't control a sly smirk when he told me, though he didn't smile with me. If I told anyone else, hoping to make them smirk as well, I am guessing it'd ruin their mood. People are dogmatically obsessed with the idea that suicide is inherently evil. The only justification is that it makes people sad. Have you considered that perhaps being obsessed with the continued life, physical existence, and even suffering of someone else is much more evil? Just because you're illogically obsessed with being so sentimental. You can care about me and also accept that I'd be better off dead. Just move the fuck on. I love my mother deeply. If my mother killed herself, I'd acknowledge that it is very sad that she was suffering, and that fact would make me sad, but I would understand that she is no longer suffering, and I would move on. But I'm not so fucking dogmatically obsessed with justifying being blatantly selfish for no real reason other than "I want to be." I'd probably just be really really sad because of my father, sister, and brother would be suffering. Don't message me about suicide. I know you think it's wrong. I don't want to talk about it. I'm tired of having the same conversation. I'm open to DMs about anything else in this log though if you feel like chatting.
Miscallany
If you noders read all my daylogs, you will know me better than everyone in my life. You'll know that I had a really stupid existential crisis in November-December of 2020, and that I have bipolar disorder, and that I was pretty self-flagellating for a while. You'll know my opinions on quite a things, and you'll see that I posted a lot of things in the past that I seem to not agree with anymore. It's a bit funny, really, that I feel more comfortable on this website than I do in life, despite the fact that I use my real name and alias. I just know that it's obscure and confusing enough that the folks in my life might not be able to navigate unless they really try.
I am guessing that I kind of developed a reputation as "the guy who mopes in daylogs". Who am I to argue? If people see me that way, then that's how I've (unintentionally, but still realistically) presented myself. I know that's how Stasik saw me. Quite frankly, I thought he disliked or hated me up until Nemosym said he rather likes me. He took the time to read all my daylogs though, I guess that means something. I rather respected him until he left the website, but I don't know his side of things.
I wonder if he still reads my daylogs.
I wonder if anyone does read these, or if they just skim. I wouldn't be surprised. I don't read some people's daylogs, just because I don't always get the lore and I don't want to read them all. Andycyca says daylogs are assuredly read, though.
I've been typing for so long today that my left hand hurts. I have piano lessons tomorrow. Between writing this and Elite: Dangerous I think I've typed over 10,000 words in nodes. Silly me!! :)
I updated my profile on this website today, added a bunch of shit. Feel free to go there if you're wondering what I look like.