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Wow, I got to create the daylog today! I feel so special.

I bought the champagne for her and I today. I'm looking forward to our soiree(s).

I also got my first pair of glasses today. The doctor told me I did not need them, but I feel that it's important to have them around for night driving and those times when I don't sit right up front in the lecture hall. It has been a while since I could read things from far away. I'm just glad I don't have to wear them all the time.

I used to think it was about being fucked up or being sober, but I don't think it's either. I think it's about being ok where you are. It's about being a decent person whether you're fucked out of your mind or not. As I've probably said before, and I will definitely say again drugs aren't bad. People make bad decisions and a lot of times drugs are involved. I've made those bad decisions. I've done drugs to cover my pain, to get rid of my lonliness, but soon enough you realize pain, lonliness and uncertainty can penetrate any high. Drugs are fun, and that's all they should be, but they become so much more, and that's where problems arise. I love drugs. I haven't done drugs in months. I would love to snort a ton of cocaine, but I'm also happy where I am. Love drugs, and do drugs if you are so inclined, but be responsible and be informed. Make sure you're doing things because you truly want to.

Thursday night

He always moves a little closer each time we meet...something he says or does, giving me signals I'm not sure he knows he's casting. It's always the same cycle of events... we meet, I get nervous, my heart pounds, I talk too much, he notices my fidgeting hands, my rambling mouth... and he just sits there calmly...too tired to fill the silence that bothers me at the beginning.

Out of nowhere "Is my silence bothering you tonight?"

I come clean...with him, there is no hiding, except that my heart is hidden deep so he can't see his name beating there.

"Yeah, for some reason, just tonight, I think it's because I haven't seen you in so long"

More silence, this time it doesn't bother me...he stays late as we listen to music and try to pen another song. Awkward, standing up, wanting to hug him, do something to let him know. I let him out and watch him drive away...


Friday night

I call him this time. We're going to conquer our fear of spiders tonight...he thinks I'm serious, I just mean go see that dumb "eight legged freaks" movie. Our friends cancel so it's just the two of us. Everything feels like it did before he left for all those trips, comfortable, I'm not nervous tonight...after all, I did call him this time. A few scares into the movie and I'm all curled up in my seat, slightly touching his arm, I jump again, he reaches over and puts his hand on my wrist, slides it back to his side of the armrest again. Movie is over, we get in the car, a mutual friend calls to see if we want to go skateboarding, he makes the decision that we don't (I always like it when he does that - getting off the phone and saying "I figured you weren't really up for that either"). This time is different when he drives me home. He parks and walks me to my door. I hug him goodnight and thank him for going with me, he thanks me for hanging out and I close the door and watch him drive away again.

But, I wish he had stayed, because I filled my night with someone else, someone who only made me wish I was with him...and that hollow feeling I got this morning when I woke up next to someone and it wasn't him...


Saturday morning

I almost called you this morning to tell you how badly I had hurt my heart last night, but, I can't tell you what words won't explain...
I'm so angry right now. Dammit! When in the hell am I going to learn to put a leash on it?

Well, I'd better learn fast.

I'm here now. E2 always makes me feel better.

____________________________________________________________

Feeling much more calm now. This place is wonderful for me.

Odd how I found it. I'm just glad I did find it.
Two months ago, E2 was a total enigma to me. I was clueless as to what it's all about. Now it's like home to me.

It comforts me. It keeps me busy. It helps me keep my mind sharp.

So very tired, this machine grows weary so easily these days, seems to require more and more recharging time.

Pseudo_Intellectual came to visit today, taking time from his travels to make his way out here, even though it was for a short while. It went so quickly, perhaps because my mother wouldn't quit talking his ear off but, well..

It was peculiar, in ways he was exactly as I'd expected, others not so much. Lovely and intelligent and friendly and all that.. and the large words weren't nearly as scary as I'd thought they might be (I have to wonder if he toned it down at all, though). :) He brought with him perhaps the most interesting hat I've seen in quite some time.. and a mix tape which I've yet to hear but am looking forward to as soon as I can bring myself to stand up and fall three feet towards the cassette player.

I haven't daylogged in quite some time, but it felt somehow appropriate just now. It was an enjoyable day despite all of the anxiety leading up to it.. I am a silly person, so quick to worry and fret.

And at least I learned my lesson about water'y corn and finally actualized a banana bomb. Deadly... frightning..ly delicious! I'll have to try it again some time with various stages of banana ripeness, perhaps mix and match ingredients. I could see caramel being interesting in there.. the mess factor would increase dramatically, but oh, soo tasty.

I suppose that is all for now.. thank you for visiting, mister.. it was really nice to meet you. :)
I look around, I look around. I see the same cries from different people about their lives.

In this godforsaken island, all we want is for someone to listen.

This brings me, once again, to the daylog. The daylog. What about it? What's going on in my life? Doesn't matter... what matters is everyone else wants for someone to hear their cry, see their pain... they want that one person that they cannot reach to find their message in a bottle. Maybe that would fix everything?

The same things that were happening decades ago were happening yesterday, happened today, will be happening tomorrow. This cycle never ends. Somehow, the issues will be different, the scenarios will be unique, the ideas will be new -- but in all actuality they're all the same... The same days happening all over -- just happening to someone else. I think my favorite motto is, "Things like this are happening all over the world... But somehow I think my situation is different, is more real -- just because it's happening to me."

There is something to be learned from these day logs... These shots in the dark -- these cries for help.

There is only hope when all hope is lost.

These people here are begging for the one person they've got in mind to happen across this concealed message and hear their plea. These people find piece of mind in throwing their ideas -- their most prized inner thoughts -- into oblivion (the internet). Millions of strangers thumb through people’s most prized possession -- their psyche. These folks don't know they are being penetrated by strangers. But because they are strangers they make the perfect candidate for confidence.

This type of honest only comes from a true stranger.

So what's my bag? What's my big little complex that's compelling me to ramble? For once in my life... it's nothing

I'm not concerned about the car I loved so much that I had to sell ----- I'm not worried about the mother that thinks I hate her ----- No sweat off my back about the ex-girlfriend for which the love I feel I harbor on a daily basis ----- No worries over the life in this town that seems to be falling in upon itself. This… burden will not be concerned with me.

Maybe I'm Zen... but I'm probably just stupid.

consumerism at its finest

weill in japan: day 18

Another leisurely Saturday has come and gone. Today was a holiday (Umi no Hi, or Ocean Day) so I celebrated the way most people celebrate holidays in the U.S. and Japan: I went shopping.

The streets of Kichijoji, a shopping and tourist destination just two railway stops from my home, were packed with people. My host mother informed me that schools are now on summer vacation, although I didn't see all that many schoolchildren on the streets while there. Most of the shops in Kichijoji were similar to the department stores that I've seen around Tokyo, but most of the smaller shops cater to a younger audience. I was able to find several toy and variety stores, t-shirt shops, music stores, karaoke bars, and of course a healthy supply of arcades.

To blend the old with the new, many of the young women in the area were wearing their yukata, or summer kimonos. That still didn't stop them from shopping at the many shops in the area, or even working at those shops.

I also enjoyed a doughnut at Mister Donut, Japan's largest chain, which promises the "best donuts in the world." They aren't, but they're still tasty. I might have to make a habit of leaving even earlier in the morning to visit the Misudo near my home station.

playing around

One of the big priorities I have here is to play the games that aren't available in the U.S. Although there's still a healthy supply of fighting and puzzle games in Japan as in the U.S., the big attractions are games that involve some kind of physical challenge. I thought I had seen everything, but Kichijoji has the arcade which trumps them all: Capcom Plaza.

Located in the basement of the Loft department store (which also has an outlandish assortment of toys and stationery), Capcom Plaza takes its name from the massive producer of video games but features games from a variety of vendors. In addition to the usual assortment of slot machines, pachinko games, fighting games, and driving simulators, I also saw:

  • Dance Dance Revolution, the worldwide stepping sensation. I played once and failed on my third song. The guy after me played at 1.5-times normal speed and showed incredible moves. Of course, he's probably played the game before.
  • Martial Beat, which is basically the same thing as DDR except that you have to use your hands as well. In time to various songs, you have to punch and kick as directed on the screen.
  • Virtual horse racing, and virtual soccer: in the soccer game, players use trading cards to create teams. Up to 20 people play at one time, and spectators can watch on a huge screen.
  • A virtual tennis game played on a large screen.
  • A virtual dog-walking simulator consisting of a treadmill and a leash control. I'm not kidding.

Elsewhere, there were all of the other Bemani games, including Beatmania, Guitar Freaks, and Keyboardmania. Other music games, like Pop'n Music and Taiko no Tatsujin, were still plentiful. There was even a heavy bag for people to punch, which reports the strength of the player's punch. At two punches for ¥100, it wasn't exactly the best value.

The main problem with all this gaming, of course, is that ¥100 isn't exactly cheap. At that much per game, or even ¥200 for some games, the money starts disappearing.

I didn't buy too much in Kichijoji, but I came up with some great gift ideas for friends and family back home. I'll come back a week or two before leaving once my credit card billing cycle rolls over. My only semi-major purchase: a FlashDIO USB drive. It works just like a hard drive on PCs and Macs, and I've already used it to move files back and forth between my Windows XP laptop and the Windows ME desktop downstairs. With luck, it will replace the floppy disk that I had to buy to save my work at school.

sunday shut-in

The routine seems to be going like this: on Saturday I can play around, but Sunday is reserved for work and studying. I have a fair amount of work to do, but I'm confident that I can get it all done in time for Monday.

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