Being in 1878 and using my laptop with the power sources available to me (you don't want to know, but there are reasons why written history only goes back to the 1880s) is giving me a lot of headaches. I tried to stop one of them by shoving wooden cones into my ear canals as hard as possible and then banging the sides of my head against walls. It turns out this was what the Internet kiddies call "counterproductive." Now I have so much bleeding from out of my ears that it makes it hard to think straight and I get dizzy and fall down. I am looking for a non-scientific practitioner of medicine in the area, but all seem to have some reliance on science.
When I return, I intend to announce my decision to challenge my former idol, Donald Trump, for the 2020 Republican nomination for President of the United States of America. I have thought about this during my time travels and my other activities and I think the time is right.
While not yet finalized, here are two of the main planks for my platform:
- Livestock Trucks: We can get rusting automotive plants back on line by having them produce millions of livestock trucks. We will use these to herd up people who appear to be idle, shove them with so much force into the back of these trucks, beating them with rocks and sticks as we do so, and then drive them to one of three locations: (1) Work camps, where they will be forced to do backbreaking labor twenty-four hours a day, without breaks, for the rest of their miserable lives, (2) Breeding pits, where they will have their arms and legs amputated with chainsaws and then thrown into a pit with others to roll around in an very greasy environment accidently mating with each other throughout the remainder of their miserable lives (babies will be extracted and used), (3) Food processing plants, where their bodies will be fed into machines to be used for livestock feed.
- All-encompassing Sphere: We don't need "walls," we need to put the country inside and all-encompassing sphere where no one and no thing gets in or out without permission from me.
These are primary planks I will be using in my campaign. This is unofficial, as my campaign manager, Chopper, and my foreign policy advisor, Enrico Fermi, have not yet met with me on this as I have been time travelling and I am currently in 1878 where I am waiting for the trees to achieve full consciousness so I can learn of their plans to dispose of the human race in 2031.
Campaign contributions can be made in uncancellable checks in amounts of $70,000 or $144,000 for couples.
I was able to attend the Bavarian circus here in 1878, and as I have "leaped" into the body of a Bavarian treeherder, I am able to get into the circus for free. It is a great show since they were allowed to be very, very cruel to animals, which I used to find fun to watch. Now I have reformed and become a creature of goodness and light and I love the little animals. The show was still amusing, but only in part because of that. What I enjoyed were the midget clowns being shot out of cannons at brick walls. THAT was fun to watch.
Met an English treeherder named Alistair Smyth, who I asked about the trees attaining consciousness. He said he had long heard rumblings about this from the forest. This man was able to commune with trees and so I needed to get close to him in any way possible. I asked him out for a big mug of Bavarian ale served in a genuine Bavarian beer garden and eventually I took him to bed and fucked the truth out of him (in a very non-gay way, information gathering only, like acting in movies). After discarding his body in a nearby circus trench, I headed back to the forest to herd more trees and to help save the planet by destroying climate change deniers and others who hate goodness and light.
Let me throw some facts and figures at you from the pages of the 84 volume set, The Anals of History which I sell on the installment plan, $74 per month for eighty years, and it can be passed on to your descendants as an uncancellable debt. No way to wriggle out of this one, boys. You, or your beneficiaries, will be paying $74 per month for 80 years, and yes, those figures are per month. You are not reading that incorrectly. Let me know when I can sign you up.
Those figures, here they are: In 1979, there were more than 80,000 people in all of New York City. There are now currently more than twice that many. This is not sustainable, but it is something to really think about. In 1950, fewer than two human babies were born to elephants. Today, fewer than half that many have been born to elephants. These figures tell me a lot about the challenges we are facing with climate change. These figures show a proven rise in population of humans and a reduction in the number of humans being born to wild animals. We don't have figures from the 1700s, even The Anals of History doesn't know because record keeping was shoddy back then. A lot of people had goiter things going on. This was due to the rampages of science and a rejection of absolute truth in the form of the monarchy. There is a lot of truth to be found here.
My friends.