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I am just looking back on the gathering node from the one gathering I was able to do, and it struck me that it was 5 years ago that all happened. Now that I am a teacher and now that it's summer, it is my only time to reflect because, well, it's my only time. The only MY time I have, and it's slipping away...

The saying goes that when you're happy, you have nothing to write about, or that life is what happens when you're making other plans, and I guess I'd agree with both. Talking with noders now, it's like communicating with beings from another plane of existence. I feel like a loser and a dunce for not keeping better contact, and I wonder how many, if any, true friends I have lost.

When I look back on that gathering, I do have to look at it in order to remember it. Having a node here proves it happened, like so many of my threadbare journals I've kept since the dawn of my head being a place I thought people would come to stay if I'd only clean up the place. The jury is still out on that one.

I remember those years in New Orleans being the hotbed for e2 as a daily fixture of my routine. The addiction here was borne out of a need to communicate, since I was doing such a poor job of it IRL. From that sprang a multitude of camaraderie and entanglements my life will never know again, and while I do enjoy the simpler life I have, I do miss a slightly more crazy time. I long to shake things up a bit.

I thought to myself recently: I wish to have a slightly more adventurous life. When people ask what I did over the summer, I'd like to say something clever, like, "I went to Bonnaroo for a week," or "Jake and I drove down to New Orleans for Essence Festival (the most crazy I can picture myself is at a music festival, how sad is THAT?). Something. Even now people ask me, "So, what are you doing with your summer?" Well, I am working part time at a tutoring place, driving the kids to and from camp and Jake to and from work, in between which I struggle to think about planning for next year's lessons. Drab, eh?

I don't regret it, really. I am about as complete as I think I could be, and it's not like I was rolling in dough before I moved here. Still, I have some hopes. I still cling to this hope to visit my brother in Germany. Next summer, I am vowing not to HAVE to work, having deferred my income over 12 months instead of 10. I do still want to believe we have some mystery down in our bones we haven't plummed yet, some new avenues to discover. This node began with recounting the things other people bring to my life, and ended up being about what things I long to bring to myself, so I am not sure what I am saying now.

Part of me wishes I could have a noder gathering again. Lord knows, our yard could do with a nice cookout. There's more space on my floors than ever before. But who would come? I live outside DC (really outside, maybe a half hour on the Metro), not near any major city or anything of interest. I'd be presee for what we'd do, and I just don't think people would come. I have a feeling that I have sort of lost out on things here, and that maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe I am too old.

In any case, there is a call to do something, isn't there?


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