Dear old Daylog. How are you buddy?
Well, I got my first kiss a couple of days ago. It was ... odd. It was in the back seat of a car zooming down the road at 90 mph listening to booming loud rap music. I didn't enjoy that atmosphere and so for that reason... it was uncomfortable. That and...
I didn't kiss back. I am such a dumb ass! Here she was holding onto me, doing things to my hands and fingers that made me explode with feeling... or something (laughs). Rubbing my chest, leaning on me like she really cared... And then, something warm and wet against my mouth; it was her mouth! She took my bottom lip, I sort of thought the woman took the top lip, but oh well. And then she tried to put her tongue in my mouth... I wouldn't let it through.
I know I'm not gay because it felt right (and I had a lot of precum in my tighty-whities when I undressed for bed that night), but somehow it felt wrong.
I am 20, she is 36. Is age a problem? I don't think so, but also, I didn't particularly care for our driver.
Michael said "She kissed you first, man. She didn't stop because she gave up, or was dissapointed, she stopped because she wanted you to meet her halfway, that's all. It would have been cool, she was telling you it was alright..."
I asked if Crystal could drop this girl and me off at the lake so we could talk. I tried to talk so much, but all Donna did was hold me and nod, and murmer little incoherant responses to my comments. She said "I just got lonely." I told her to imagine the feeling of being sad and not knowing why, doing things you used to enjoy and not getting the fun anymore, and finally going to sleep in a bed that felt entirely too big and empty. She nodded, and I told her to imagine feeling that way for 20 years... she didn't know what to say.
Apparently, it had been about a year since she had been with anyone. A lot of really angry females tell me she was more than likely out to just get laid by a nice young man, but I like to think there was more. At any rate, my mother, as always trying to run Baby Dumpling's life (I'm a grown man, Mom, I have to live MY life... it's not your life, like my hair, It's MY hair, I grew it long because I wanted to. You remember when you used to say it looked like shit, and now you tell me my ponytail looks beautiful going down my back...), Mom ruind it for me.
I had a girlfriend for a day, and she was snatched away from me. This girl... woman... might have actually really cared about me... and I will never know now.
Why do I feel like I lost some part of myself? Even when she first reached out and took my hand... it felt unnatural, because my mother has destroyed my desire to be with a woman. I am hers, until the day she dies...
She has another thing coming to her. I'm tired of this bullshit, and it's going to stop.
There will be another chance down the road, I know it. And it will feel better, because we won't be zooming down the road and killing our eardrums, and I can take the time to explore, and I will see what is going on.
And my Mom, if she is still around, won't know a bit of it. I bathe this woman. I rub the dead skin off of her back. I cut her hair. I put the food on our table. I pay our bills. AND I NEVER DO ENOUGH! I have taken care of my mother.
I guess I'm kinda fucked up, huh? But I'll get straightened out eventually, won't I?
*** By the way, there was no intercourse involved in that night. I am still virgin, and will be for the rest of my life if Mom has anything to say about it.