Tonight I showed Agent Fox Mulder something that amazed him.

Hello, my name is world famous Internet columnist Berhardt Illych Goats, and I am here with my report from the field.

What I did was, at dusk, lead Agent Mulder into the woods outside of Utica. It is there that my Unibomber-style cabin is located, along with a clearing with rocks set up in the ancient and forgotten way that allows me to make contact with the elven dimension. I clasped my hands together with "glee" (Internet kiddie show involving freshly scrubbed youngsters). It was time. And so, I went to the ancient and forgotten position along the wheel of rocks and called out to the elves. One might call it a "summoning" in some language parlances.

A portal opened and through it stepped a lady elf. She introduced herself a Rhonda and asked what I was calling in reference to. I pointed to Agent Mulder, who had dropped jaw issues, and told Rhonda, "He wants proof of the existence of extra-terrestrial life." I went on to talk at length about ALF and was thoroughly disregarded during this portion of my monologue. Agent Mulder found his voice and stepped forward as I talked about how Alf would eat cats but they never actually showed them. I was explaining that I tuned in weekly hoping to see a live cat devoured by a furry alien but it never happened. Pissed I was at the end of that series, let me tell you.

Rhonda explained that they were something called "extra-dimensional life forms" and that Agent Mulder seemed a bit obsessed with the alien business. I thought she was going to get upset, but then something worse happened. She began taking off her elf shoes.

There is something about the elves you need to understand before you get to know one of them intimately. They have a thing about feet and their feet, both males and females of the species, are dainty and soft like a baby's feet. It is a very uncomfortable situation to be presented with. I was fearful that Rhonda wanted some foot love from me, but she went right to Agent Mulder and ran her fingers through his hair before saying. "Our people have a ritual greeting."

Freaky stuff was going on now. I thought about making a break for it, but Agent Mulder had taken his keys and put them in his pocket. Rhonda was lifting her right leg up and planting her foot in his mouth while standing up. The ritual greeting had begun. I was more than fearful, and I had a leg that I replaced from the knee down with a table leg. This was going to slow me down if we had to go forward with a battle sequence.

There was a late-1980s era "boom box" on the ground and I pressed play. It began playing Don't Stop Believing by International recording stars Journey. It seemed appropriate for this moment in time.

Just a small-town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

I thought it best to look away. Her foot was fully in his mouth and she was standing on her tippy-toes of her other foot while making him take her whole foot down his throat. I was getting turned on until I saw how much his throat bulged out with her whole foot down his throat. She was halfway up her calf before she hit rock bottom. Agent Mulder passed out after a few seconds of this pulse-pounding action.

"That was very satisfying," Rhonda said as she cleaned off the secretions that were dripping from her dainty foot. "What did you want again, Friend Behr?"

"I wanted you to help Agent Mulder be satisfied that I have fulfilled the obligations of our deal."

She laughingly told me that she had left him satisfied. This was evident from the way he was writhing around on the ground in his suit making moaning noises as his body bucked.

"Come with me to the elven dimension. We must see Holden Twinkletoes. He has information for you."

"May I take my loyal companion?" I asked. She nodded, so we picked up Agent Mulder and crossed through the portal into the elven dimension.

The portal into the elven dimension is something to behold. It presents a grand vista to you which is unmistakably odd. You would have to see it for yourself. So many colors. Like a painting but with a "tilt-a-whirl" somewhere in it but not visible to the naked eye. It is like that. You will be unable to go there without a guide who knows the way. So this information is probably useless to you.

There is a new elf lord in charge. His name is Donovan Wishwash and he had a stern expression on his face when he tersely greeted me. This was not going to be like my last visit. The former elf lord was partial to me. This elf lord is not. In case you don't understand the difference between someone being partial to you and someone not being partial to you, I will endeavor henchforth to explain this unto you. As a professionally trained writer with 25 New York Times Bestseller List books under his belt, as well as many prestigious awards, I tend to use expressions of a higher level mind. If your mind is lower level in nature you will be confused by these expressions. When someone is partial to you it means they like you as a friend. When someone is not partial to you it means they would be glad if you were hit by a truck or just went away in general. They would prefer someone different.

We had cheeseburgers at the pavilion and then Donovan took us to the Elven Theme Park located near the portal. You had to buy individual tickets for individual rides, which was like Disney World in the 1970s when it was correct instead of whatever the fuck it is now. I digest. Ibid.

Agent Mulder was starting to regain his composure at this point. He was eager to go on some rides as he said he'd been "cooped up in the office" a lot lately. When I stiffened considerably after seeing the price for tickets to the really exciting looking rides, an elf I had not met before appeared beside me. This was the infamous Holden Twinkletoes that I'd been told about.

"Many of our lowest priced attractions are right over there," Holden said calmly and without any trace of emotion. He was not emotive at this point. This is another higher level mind terminology usage you see there.

The rides he pointed to involved some very small bumper cars, a slide that appeared to be no more than four feet in height, and a metal porpoise on a rod that you sat on and it shook a little bit. Agent Mulder and I pooled our money and bought tickets for the Freakout Simulator. We got on line behind a bunch of elves and waited. It was quite a long wait. We hoped it would be worth it.

That was when I needed to use the rest room. I'd found a magazine on a bench and I was eager to read it, so I had Agent Mulder hold my place in line and I went to the restroom. After sitting down in a stall, I opened the magazine and began reading about cleaning up clutter in the attic. There was no poo, only reading and small amount of tinkle that just kind of trickled down as I sat. Wonderful experience to have that happen when you are on the toilet instead of proposing marriage to someone out of your league.

When I was done, I went back to the line, which had only moved forward about five feet. I went to rejoin Agent Mulder, but the four elves behind us who were evidently part of a "group" stopped me.

"Back of the line, otherlander."

"Had to use the bathroom. My friend held my place."

"Not happening, bud. Back of the line."

My X-Man type hand activated at that point and became a blowtorch. I stepped forward and burned all the flesh off the leader of the little elven group. He screamed in agony and then I turned it on his friends and did the same. Their worthless carcasses fell on the ground. At that point, the other elves realized I was serious and stepped back and I was able to rejoin Agent Mulder in line.

It still took another forty-five Earth minutes for us to get on the ride. As soon as we got in there, it went pitch black and the ride vehicle we were in began falling six miles into the planetary core of the elven dimension.

About to be losing signal. There is no Wi-Fi down this low. Will convert to alternative power pack when I have light.

God bless.

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