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Today, I went to the Utica Zoo. Because of my flagging presidential campaign, I was aiming to make a big splash by winning a military victory in the humans' war against the animals. I brought Chopper's hunting rifle, a crossbow I bought from Ted Nugent, and a bag of unsecured WWII era landmines. Then I walked up to the gate and was accosted and brought to the ground by police within minutes.

A zookeeper lady asked them to bring me into a little room where she wanted to sit and talk with me. Once the cops were gone, I told her I was a warrior in the battle to prevent any kind of Planet of the Apes type scenarios from arising. To avoid the Statue of Liberty ending up buried in sand on a monkey beach, we MUST wipe out all animal life within the next six years.

She told me I was wrong, but in doing so she put her hand on my knee and gently soothed me with a smile. "Behr, would you like to meet some of our animals?"

Zookeeper lady brought me outside again and we went to what they called "animal encounters" where I could meet these animals who posed a threat to human survival. And then I was shocked to see that the animals were pleasant and nice. And then the lion spoke to me.

"We are not your enemy, friend Behr."

"Did you hear that?" I asked the zoo lady.

"Hear what? The lion roar? Yes, very majestic."

"Yeah, yeah, that is what I meant," I said so that she wouldn't try to call the cops again.

I tried to hug her after we spent some more time in the zoo, but she didn't want to make physical contact with me. I was okay with that. It isn't the 1970s any longer. You can't just dry hump a stranger at the zoo and win awards for it. Things are different now.

Maybe zookeeper lady has given me something to think about.

I recommend you visit the Utica Zoo. It can be a life changing experience.

The admission is $4.50, but she told me because I am almost 90 I can get in for $3.50. Children 3-12 are $3.00 and under that you are expected to be animal feed. Leave the little ones at home. The animals can only show so much restraint.

Hopefully, I will see you at the Utica Zoo soon. God bless.

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