Yesterday I had my massage, once every two weeks.

At first I talked about the horrors of the past two weeks. Why is it family that can be most horrible? Because we are most vulnerable with them, I suppose, and we hope against hope that they will love us when we are authentic. And some families don't.

Then I became quiet. My throat muscles kept trying to spasm, so I was doing the physical therapy breathing to relax the muscles. In and then blow out slowly through pursed lips, to keep the throat relaxed

and I fell out into that other place. I see visions. I was back in my body in a moment.

"Did you feel me drop?"

"Yes." I lose contact with my body, so if I am pushing against his hand as instructed, I stop. I am gone.

"I saw an Egyptian painted wall, with Anubis, with the the black dog head. It was beautiful."

Next drop: "A landscape, trees and hills, like one of my mother's etchings, fading daylight."

Next drop: I forget.

Next drop: This drop was long.

"Was that long?"


"My foot moved."

"Not just your foot. Your left shoulder was trying to do something. Waves across the muscles."

I don't remember what I saw on that drop.

He says that other people drop out too, but that they do not come back and relate visions. Sometimes they snore.

Every vision has been peaceful and beautiful except for the one frightening one: the reliving of my dream about the stars falling and that the stars are angels. And then that I am falling too and crying because I am frightened even though I don't resist.

Maybe I am dropping into heaven. I hope so. It is so beautiful. And Unitarians apparently do not believe in hell.

And then I wonder if other people, people who believe in hell, drop there. It makes me sad, thinking that. I hope not. I hope everyone goes to heaven.

Had a really weird dream last night. For some reason my ex was over and I asked him about installing the dishwasher that's been sitting in my garage. Shockingly he said yes, this is how I know it was really a dream, then my youngest daughter was there and I think my aunt and uncle were too. My ex bought a bunch of furniture for my oldest daughter's room. I freaked out when I saw it and got into a fight with her about what to do about it. I dream a lot and I don't think there's a lot of mystery about this dream. I saw my youngest daughter and my ex at church last night, he was picking her up from school, I'm worried about the girls and my housing situation so I'm sure the dream is a reflection of that and nothing to get too worked up about during my waking hours.

The other day my neighbor dropped off some coconut flour that she thought I could use. It was a very nice gesture, that stuff is very expensive, so I thought making muffins for her family would be a nice way to repay her. There was a recipe on the back, but of course I couldn't follow the manufacturer's instructions. I had a good experience with cranberry zuchhini muffins in the past, I think I even wrote up this variation in the banana muffins node, I had cranberries, zucchini, and thought the red and green would be cheery. My first problem was not having any vanilla. Fish sauce is the same color, but I abandoned my idea of adding it in the hopes that nobody would notice the substitution. 

The dough was very thick and heavy when I added it to the muffin forms. Several minutes after the muffins were in the oven I noticed that I hadn't added the coconut oil to them. There were six eggs in the recipe which sounded excessive to me, but that part I did adhere to knowing how dry coconut flour can be. It's kind of hard to describe these muffins, but I'll do my best. Imagine a bland eggy crustless quiche with zucchini, cranberries, and a very odd onion flavor. They weren't the worst things I had ever eaten, but they were disappointing to say the least. In other news I'm getting together with a classmate for homework and study time at Starbucks. This is the fun part about being in school and I'm looking forward to it. 

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