NYPD L.A. Law & Order: Crime Scene Investigation On The Street Blues


A Teleplay by Richard Thrust


ROOKIE: Ah, jesus Mac, look at that.
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Yeah? It's a dead body.
ROOKIE: Doesn't that bother you?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Kid, when you've seen the things I've seen on this job, nothin' bothers ya. Let's get the witnesses. You take the crying female onlooker who may or may not be a relative and I'll see what the heavily-accented immigrant bus driver who found the guy has to say.
ROOKIE: Right.


LIEUTENANT: Well, what did you find out?
ROOKIE: Not much. Seems the guy was a member of a cult. I don't --
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: You ask me, he got what he deserved.
LIEUTENANT: You're way out of line, Coelho!
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: I'm just thinkin' out loud here! It's a free country!
LIEUTENANT: You're suspended until further notice.
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Yeah, well, screw this job. Come on kid, let's get a beer.
ROOKIE: Sorry, Mac. I...I --
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: You're vipers, all of you!


LAB TECHNICIAN: If I'm not mistaken -- and I never am -- your victim died from a trauma wound to the base of the skull.
ROOKIE: What did him in?
LAB TECHNICIAN: Hard to say. Could be anything...a baseball bat, a crowbar, a sybian orgasm machine...results are inconclusive.
ROOKIE: I thought you said you were never mistaken.
LAB TECHNICIAN: Well, I know he's dead and he was killed by being hit with something. I'm not mistaken about that.
ROOKIE: I could have told you that!
LAB TECHNICIAN: Two weeks on the job, and he's fucking Poirot.
JANITOR: Don't rock the boat, son! This place is pure politics!


ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: Look, we just want to be left alone!
ROOKIE: Doesn't it bother you that your husband is dead?
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: If it is what the cosmos wills, who am I to debate it?
ROOKIE: Well, thanks for your time, ma'am. If I need to get in touch with you, where can I find you?
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: Don't worry, detective...I'll find you first.


ROOKIE: It's a bad one, Mac. I don't have any leads and all the witnesses are noncooperative. Even the guys in the lab are stonewalling me. I don't know what's going on.
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: You shouldn't be talking to me, your reputation's on the line.
ROOKIE: A man is dead! I have a duty to bring his killer to justice! Mac, I want...I need your help on this one.
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: All right, but we have to work fast. I've been doing my own investigation and if what I've heard is right, this thing leads all the way to City Hall.
ROOKIE: How do you figure?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: You ever heard of Voltron?
ROOKIE: Uh...I guess so. What does that have to do with --
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: I'm gettin' there. You notice something odd about the body?
ROOKIE: The guys in the lab couldn't determine what was used to kill the guy. But I don't --
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Goddamnit, you are impatient! The guy was bludgeoned with a Voltron toy.
ROOKIE: But...but why?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Ah ha, there's the heart of the matter. The cult worships Voltron. I imagine they've got thousands of those idols hanging around. What better weapon than their own god?
ROOKIE: What's the connection to city hall you mentioned?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: The cult only has five members. One's dead, one's married to the dead guy, two are autistic, and the other one is -- get this -- Gerald Barbrady.
ROOKIE: The mayor's a Voltronist!?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: That's him. And it doesn't matter who killed him, since you say they're all being totally uncooperative. That's called obstruction of justice, my friend.
ROOKIE: Or accomplice after the fact.
ExPERIENCED PARTNER (laughing): Two weeks on the job and he thinks he's fucking Poirot.


ROOKIE: Carol, this isn't right. Your husband was just killed and you're --
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: Shhh. It's ok, hun. Don't spoil the moment.
ROOKIE: Still...I wonder if there's some sort of law against a cop sleeping with a potential murder suspect.
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: Probably. But let's not worry about that. Have you got any leads?
ROOKIE: Just one...Barbrady.
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: That son of a bitch! I knew it! When I get my hands on him, I'll --
ROOKIE: Easy. Just tell me everything you know.
ATTRACTIVE CULT MEMBER: It all started when...


ANGRY DISTRICT ATTORNEY: You're going down like a cheerleader on prom night, Barbrady!
MAYOR: Bring it on, Lefevre. By the way, how's your little land investment scheme in the Bahamas going?
ANGRY DISTRICT ATTORNEY: You can't threaten me. Whatever you're talking about has been taken totally out of context. I'm not going to back down from this one.
MAYOR: No? Well, then, you're fired!


NEWSCASTER ON TV: Earlier today, Mayor Gerald Barbrady was gunned down by the grieving widow of a Voltronist cult member that he was accused of killing. This shocking revelation comes just hours after District Attorney James Lefevre was sacked by the mayor for what he described as "villainy, tyranny, and intolerable corruption." Stay tuned to --
(ROOKIE throws a peanut at the television and it goes off. He sighs and looks to EXPERIENCED PARTNER, who is sitting in the barstool next to him.)
ROOKIE: Damnit, Mac. What happened here? Two people are dead, one's in jail, you're still suspended, and my supply of femme fatale pussy just dried up. Does it get any better?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Nope. Get us another beer, man.
ROOKIE: Screw beer, give me that Gentleman Jack. And leave the bottle.
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: It's a rough job, kid. Get used to it. Long hours, low pay, back-room politics...it's so ugly I can't believe it sometimes.
ROOKIE: Then why do you do it? Why does anyone do it?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Dramatic effect, mainly. Being a classic angst-ridden anti-hero should be its own reward. Besides, you get to go to strip clubs for official business.
ROOKIE: Really?
EXPERIENCED PARTNER: Haw haw haw, nah. But you do get to meet all sorts of crazy broads. And I guess the firearms are nice.
ROOKIE: So you're a cop because you get a gun and you meet chicks?
ROOKIE: Sweet.


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