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Neuticles (Noun)

Neuticles are prosthetic dog nuts. No joke.

Officially - Patented Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. Neuticles are available for canines, felines, equine, bulls or any pet which is neutered. Neuticles should be implanted when the pet is neutered but can be implanted years afterwards in most cases.

Neuticles were invented by Gregg A. Miller back in the early 1990's for his dog Buck.

"Buck was seven months old and as ornery as they came. Well the day came when I had to consider neutering and was really surprised when it was discovered the testicles are permanently removed when the pet is neutered. Buck would no longer be Buck!" - Gregg Miller

Interesting Side Note: They have Neuticle key chains and necklaces if you need like a stress squeezey or something.

I’ve neutered my old dog the old way, and I’ve neutered my new dog with neuticles and you know; it’s wonderful. They don’t even know they’ve been neutered.

Neuticle inventor, Greg Miller

I was raised by a cynophobic mother in the middle of a dense city. I have always looked down on dog owners. To me, the dog owner is a selfish subspecies of man, one that cannot cope with the rigors of loneliness or the complexity of companionship.

Every pile of shit I step over reaffirms my belief that I am superior to the dog owner. I grew up beside a dog park1, so I had this belief reaffirmed constantly. Crossing the park, to and from school each day, meant keeping my eyes wide and my feet nimble in case of a camouflaged pile. My only consolation came from the silent scorn I threw at the dog circle as I made my way.

I became more confrontational with the dog owners later in life. Especially after a stressful day at work. Now, if a dog’s bark startles me on my way home, something just snaps and I scream and scream and scream. I just release all the tension that has knotted up around my spine and shoulders during the day.

“Do I really need this? Do I? Either buy a farm or get a Tamagotchi fuck, because what you are doing, this {pointing at the still barking dog}, this is not fair. Not to this perverse and obviously upset animal and not to the good fucking citizens that have to use this park, you know?"

Two women have cried. They both fell apart the same way. First, there was the shock at being spoken to so directly. Then their mouths dropped open and for a few moments all they could do was stare at me. Finally, when it was clear I wasn’t going to back off, but instead stand there with a mean smile on my face until they gave me some answers, they started to cry hard. Once the tears started it was like I wasn’t even there; both of them were so wrapped up in their crying.

I have gone off on men also and a few have squared up to me and stared me down, insulting me as I walked away. Having to back down and walk away under a barrage of insults always left me white and shaken. The man would inevitably go back to the dog circle after, to reap the guffaws of adoration for the dressing down he had given me.

It is embarrassing for them to stop by the hydrant and have other dogs discover the truth during a joint consensual sniffing.

- Gordon Kirkland from, Something a little nuts for your dog.

Neuticles (US Patent #58-68140) are artificial polypropylene testicles for dogs. Artificial is redundant given they are a thermoformed polymer, but I want to make it perfectly clear to dog owners that these are not live implants. When another dog sniffs your dog, the jig is up. Neuticles are not about a dog’s vanity or comfort anyway, but the dog owner's personal taste. Urban dog ownership has always been about the owner's tastes, which are driven by desperation and vanity, and never about the needs of the animal. Just ask any honest breeder (try a death bed) what traits a dog john wants most. Independence and self-respect are not even on the list.

Indeed, dog breeding, one of humanity’s oldest and longest scientific experiments, entered a dark time in the corporate age. In search of the perfect organic accessory (fits in your purse!) or companionship automaton (has a beating heart!), breeders traded all that was grand in the canine for manageability and aesthetics. Fake balls or not, the majesty is gone. Animals are just not supposed to be manically happy or to plead so desperately. Only mutants, dogs and people do that.

And that’s what neuticles and all the other stuff I have been discussing is about. We are treating dogs like they are people, and if you look at how we treat ourselves, you know how cruel this is. Dogs don’t deserve special sections of a park, what they deserve is to not be forced to live in cities. They don’t need clothes or spas or plastic surgery. That forcing dogs to be people is cruel might have been evident once, but the lines have long blurred. Neuticles are a financially successful endeavor. And it's only getting worse. Edgado Brito, a Brazilian animal "doctor" now offers face lifts on dogs. Not the stenotic nare surgery that bulldogs require to breathe correctly, but surgery to make a dog's cheek bones higher or skin tighter.

So fuck you, all you dog owners out there, here is the ordering information2.

0-Large 65-90+ lbs 1.79" $79 $129
0-Medium 30-60 lbs 1.50" $74 $119
0-Small 11-30 lbs 1.04" $69 $109
0-XSmall 3-10 lbs .63 $64 $99
0-Petite 1- 3 lbs .44 $59 $94

All prices in American dollars. Does not include the cost of the surgical procedure. Neuticles can be purchased online at www.neuticles.com or ordered through less reputable veterinarians. And yes, horse size balls are available, but putting them in your dog costs extra.

1 You might wonder, what kind of cynophobe buys a house that backs onto a dog park? Well, dog parks were unheard of when mother bought the house. I was 12 years old when I first came across the sign that announced Belmory Park was now a place where dogs no longer needed leashes. I ran back home and in through the front door with shoes still on (the kids were supposed to go through the back door) and grabbed my mother from the kitchen. I dragged her, still in her house slippers, down the street and towards the sign. On the way, she switched back and forth between saying, “It’s not funny to tease your mother," and, “Did they really?" She knew it was true, though. She’d been around long enough to recognize the cruel operations of absurdity.

2 The neuticals site also sells t-shirts, hats, and coffee mugs. Each item emblazoned with their motto, “It’s like nothing ever changed. There is even a t-shirt for your dog that says, "Neuticles, bet you couldn't tell."

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