I hate home improvement
came to me at around 11pm one night to tell me that she'd lost her contact lens
down the drain
of her bathroom
In most cases I would have told her that it was gone and she'd have to get another. However, her contacts are made to
because of her eye condition
and they cost between 200 and 400 bucks a pair. Letting it go was not an option
so we had to get it back.
So, being Mr. Home Improvement I decided that I would get under the sink and open it up to get it. I searched the house and found a trusty vise clamp wrench (mistake)
and began work.
My wife has two cats (that will remain nameless in this story) and she keeps their litter box under the sink (that is attached to the wall).
I approach the litter box as I would approach a large hairy spider- cautiously and with great disgust. So I managed to move the
litter box out of the way and tried to brush away some of the litter that had fallen on the floor... this worked only marginally well and I ended up with litter
all over my arm and knees as I stooped to get this done. This was a little too gross for me to deal with so i got and get our big "Black and Decker" home improvement book
for me to use as a prop... much better than the floor and easier to clean up than my shirt.
So I get started...
My mind was thinking tighty righty, lefty lucy as I clamped the wrench on the pipe fitting and started to turn... it didn't. I saw that it seemed a little
corroded and I thought that maybe it needed to be worked out. I started again, this time I focused on keeping hold of the wrench and hoped that I wouldn't
somehow pull the pipe out of the wall - because it seemed to give in an odd way... I tried again and again, each time the fitting moved just a little more
the pipe seemed to give some. Great! I thought this must be working because there's a little bit of water dripping from the pipe. Good
,I thought, I'm getting it... I'm not a moron... I can DO PLUMBING! ...until I saw that the fitting seemed to be splitting - so I stopped... confused. I leaned against the home improvement book mystified... I thought, well,
maybe I just have the vise too tight
. I loosened the vise and twisted again - this time causing pipe split open.
I gaped at my handiwork in horror.
I was torn... I didn't know what to be angry about... I didn't know what the hell I just done... how much did that contact lens cost? How much would it take to repair a split pipe?
Can you replace a split pipe cheap? I stared blankly down at my book then sat back and picked it up. I
flipped past flooring, electrical, carpeting, painting
until I got to plumbing - where it said in rather obvious lettering that pipe fittings loosen when turned to the right, not the left.
Disgusted, I grabbed the wrench and turned it to the right... the fitting moved easily. I continued turning until the fitting
loosened completely... and the pipe fell loudly to the floor...spilling water, my wife's contact, and her wedding ring.
"Did you get it?" she asked, peeking her head in the door.
I moved forward to hide my damage but she saw it all.
"what the hell did you do?"
Once again... torn... how do I talk my way out of this one?
"The pipe was corroded and it the fitting broke when I took it off." I lied through my clenched teeth. I looked down on the floor and
picked up her contact and handed it to her. "Here, take this and clean it"
"It didn't look corroded to me... why is the pipe on the floor?" she started to inquire and I held up the ring.
"Missing this?" I asked... I looked at her hard.
"My ring!" She gleefully exclaimed. "I've been looking for that for weeks"
I bit my tongue...
"I guess we're lucky you dropped your contact." I said slowly as she plucked the ring from my fingers.
"yea," she replied then stared at the broken pipe. "I guess we're lucky you found that corroded pipe."
"Yep." I smiled. "sure are..."
We called the plumber in the morning...
I threw the book away.