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The Legend of the Rollerblade 7 - 1992 - Directed by: Donald G. Jackson

Plot Summary:

"In a post-apocalyptic world where rollerblading is the chief means of travel, the evil Pharoah sends his minions outside the Wheel Zone to abduct a psychic. The psychic has been trained in the way of the samurai, but has shunned her training to become a Passive. Once abducted, her brother joins forces with others to try and rescue her, but they face many challenges from the Dark Side." - Plot Summary (IMDB).

The Legend of the Rollerblade 7 (or just 'The Rollerblade 7' - UK/NZ) is quite possibly the worst movie ever released. The following is a list of why many consider it so bad (in no particular order):

  • Audio is only intelligible about one third of the time.
  • Part of the tagline is 'The earth is ruled by machines' and yet there are no signs of any machines, let alone ruling ones.
  • Open camera shots of the sun.
  • The crew used only one camera, so replays from different angles of 'good' scenes are entirely different from the orginal scene.
  • The plot.
  • The only character who receives a sub-titled introduction (a la Roadrunner) gets immediately killed.
  • There are never 7 Rollerbladers in any given scene.
  • It's almost entirely set in the desert, making scene transitions very confusing.
  • Final monologue is of the main character reading his lines.
  • Acting is hard to spot and, when spotted, awful.
  • We estimate 95% of the budget for this film was spent on the cover art.

The cover boasts in large letters the names "STALLONE" and "ESTEVEZ". These refer, of course, to Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez. For the astute, Estevez is the uncle of Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen. This film is so bad that it is rarely compared to other films, as it is arguably in its own category. A personal highlight is when the kidnapped heroine, flanked by nasty thugs, is thrown a dagger which she catches hilt-first in her mouth and then (in ultra slow-motion) proceeds to slice the throats of the two thugs by turning her head left-to-right. Then we see the same shot replayed from a different angle. Genius!

All that being said, the film has achieved cult status, at least amongst my friends. If anybody knows if this movie is on sale or has a copy, please /msg me.

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