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As happens often enough, I was sitting at a local pizza establishment when the topic of testicles came up. This isn't really all that odd I suppose, but what came next was:

"You know...the best thing to do when you've been kicked in the nuts isn't to curl up in a fetal position and scream, but to balance crouched flat on your feet with your arms crossed resting on your knees. It's been scientifically proven."

This prompted several interesting lines of thought which I shall outline for you: Why do we need to know this? Curling up in a ball and screaming is far more dramatically effective to the inflicting party than assuming a "Scientifically Correct" position to relieve your pain. And furthermore, how did they test this? Did they have a line of men that were all hit with identical Nikes on pressure activated arms that hit simultaneously with exactly the same pressure? Did they then assume some sort of predetermined position and hold it until the felt better? And if so...Who the Hell Would do that???

Wanted: Men willing be hit in groin for scientific study. Good wages and flexible hours. Please contact The Center For Groin Impact Studies at 1-888-hit-aman

Now I realize the fact that in all probability it was just a study of how the muscles react and the brain works, and what position would help relax the affected area the most, but that still needs to be backed up with viable data and evidence, the collection of which must be most painful indeed. However, these things hurt just to think about, so I will leave them to you to ponder, but please do a friend a favor and share this position with them. It could change someone's life, and their reproductive capabilities.

Speaking as someone who has been hit(but not kicked recently) in the junk, the best thing to do is to lie on your back and rotate your legs like you're pedaling a bike. Don't ask me, I don't know how, but it will help. I did this after the last couple of times I landed on my nuts laying out for the disc playing frisbee, and I was up and playing again in a couple of minutes. I have nothing to back this up of course, other than my own anecdotal evidence. I tried to find some evidence on the web, but to no avail. Apparently testicular injury first aid isn't a big topic in medicine these days. If there are any med school types out there, your input would be appreciated now. Curling up in a fetal position is a bad idea actaully, as that creates the possibility of squeezing between your legs some VERY tender testicles. Seriously though, the best way to deal with this problem is to avoid it at all costs. It hurts a lot, guys, so if it hasn't happened to you recently, keep it that way.

Oh, hells no, folks! As any lacrosse goalie like myself will tell you, there is no comfortable position after being hit in the junk! The only thing you can do is curl up in a little ball and grab your nuts and pray for a swift death! Come on! If you have time to lie down and pedal, or squat, or whatever, you've never really been nailed! Try getting pegged in the nuts with a hard rubber ball flying upwards of a hundred and twenty miles an hour! I've broken eight cups in three years. Not jock straps- cups. That's pain, folks. Yes it is.

I have been a practicing martial artist for over a dozen years and have been kicked in the junk a number of times. Yes, it really does suck, but I believe there is a method that helps. I haven't tried the other remedies list above, but this one is quite different. What you do is bounce on your heels. You go up on your toes and quickly drop onto your heels a number of times in a rapid succesion. If it doesn't help at least you will be distracted for a little while.

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