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Tom was a vampire and this is the beginning of the chronicle of his sad, sad unlife. This next tale is a morose little story of the crew Tom ran with during the days when he delighted in little more than vandalism.

The setting is just after Tom and a few of his buddies had spray-painted a sickle-and-hammer on the parking lot of an old VFW. Geno, the leader of the gang, brings forth a grievance.

"Tom. We have a problem." Tom looked up from his normal stupor, "What's the haps?" He asked, talking like that made him lose respect for himself just as it did for everyone else. "Your mode of escape is less than acceptable," came Geno's reply as he lit a cigarette up. "What do you mean, I change shape and run in many directions at once, just like everyone else." Tom didn't seem to understand the problem. "Yeah, Tom, but you need to work on your form. I change into a thousand bats and squeel off into the shadows. Ronald over there turns into a bunch of rats, and Greg turns into mist! Mist, Tom, mist! No one catches mist! What do you turn into?"

Tom looked down at his ratty old Vans, "Buffalo." Geno nodded, "Yeah, Tom, you turn into fuckin' buffalo! And not just one, but three! If it was one, that'd be fine, maybe you'd be able to get away from the cops like that, and if you turned into a hundred then you could stampede...that might even be cool. But no, you turn into three! And they're not even smart buffalo, we have to chase them through the streets and get 'em back together!" "Well, look at what Jimmy changes into!" Tom howled back. Geno looked over to Jimmy, giving him a slightly approving look, "Well, yeah, he turns into a bunch of ladybugs. Admittedly, that's not very intimidating, but at least it gets the job done. And he leases himself out to gardners! How is it, again, that you plan on getting us some money?"

Tom looked down once again, "Well, I really wanna star in the sequel to Radio Flyer , I hear they might need more than one buffalo for that one." Geno just shook his head, "Tom, dude, get the fuck outta here."

And that was the first installment of Tom: the Uncool Vampire. It was meant to be funny, and it may very-well have not been.

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