As
scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of
warnings on products that present
hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such
warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century
physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably
informative warnings on the packaging of
every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of
TNT per Net
Ounce of
Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "
Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that
Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "
Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any
Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the
Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100%
MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact
Antimatter in Any Form, a
Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of
Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the
Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently
Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Herein, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No
Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some
Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly
Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a
Vague and
Undetermined State.
COMPONENT
EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (
Electrons,
Protons, etc.)
Comprising This Product Are Exactly the
Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or
Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When
Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its
Weight, Is
Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day
Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
Guaranteed.