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A few years ago, I dated a girl who, for whatever reason, never achieved orgasms during sex or foreplay. Unfortunately she wasn't interested in discussing the matter and how we might improve the situation.

Being a man from Mars, I wanted to solve the problem and ran out to buy a vibrator. She was not impressed by the idea and refused to have anything to do with it. I ended up tossing the unused gadget into a drawer and forgetting all about it forever.

Or at least for a year or so, until my right calf mysteriously started hurting. It was a dull ache, all through the back of my lower leg. It hurt so much, it reminded me of that horrid relationship (long since abandoned) that it jogged something inside my memory and I recalled the vibrator sitting in the drawer.

I ran (well, limped is more like it) up the stairs and began hurling items from the drawer around the room until I found the vibrator. I hesitantly spun the dial, wondering if there was any life left in the batteries. *Buzzzzz* I was in luck! I immediately threw myself onto the bed and began massaging my calf with the (perfectly clean and unused) vibrator. It felt so good, I couldn't stop. I kept vibrating until the batteries died.

Normally, that would be the end of the story. However the next day at work I told the story to my friend Sean, whose jaw dropped further and further as I told the story. "How could you do that? Didn't you read the warning label?!?" he gasped.

I figured it was just a joke and blew him off. But he was eerily insistent about it. Apparently there is a long-running pop culture joke about vibrators carrying warning stickers about using them in such a manner.

Of course I didn't take it seriously, but when I got home I had to check the vibrator just out of curiousity. I dug through the same drawer, this time a little slower than the night before, slightly worried about what I might find. I pulled the vibrator out and there on the bottom was a tiny golden sticker. On it read the following statement:

WARNING
This device should not be used
over swollen or inflamed areas or skin
eruptions. Do not use on unexplained calf
pain, consult physician.
Made in China.

As I read it, a sense of dread began to fill my stomach, like when you've been pulled over by the police for speeding and you know your license is expired. Had I done something to harm myself? Was this going to cause rapid heart deterioration? I quickly called a medical doctor friend of mine from Delaware.

Unfortunately this friend of mine is a woman, married to a business associate of mine. So I couldn't simply say that I had a vibrator lying around the place, I had to tell her the whole sordid affair about the girlfriend and why I happened to own a clean and unused vibrator. Then I got to the business about the calf, and asked her what unexplained calf pain indicated. What was my prognosis?

I fully expected a 20-minute dissertation on Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome and a condescending lecture about how the disease is totally harmless unless the victim does something utterly stupid like vibrating their calf. Instead, she scratched her head (I could hear this over the phone) and said:

"Hmmm, I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything, you'll be fine."

Well that was unexpected. Feeling relieved, embarrassed and somewhat elated I hung up the phone. However, that night I didn't sleep very well as the problem continued to bother me. In the morning I came to the conclusion that all doctors cannot be expected to know every disease, but of course the Internet can. I whipped up a few searches and found, of course, nothing at all.

The moral of the story

I still don't know to what end the warning is placed on the vibrator. If you have any clue, please add something to this node or /msg me as it may help save someone's calf. My apologies to those of you who were expecting a juicy tidbit about Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome or some other such strange disease.

No, the moral here is much simpler. Be careful where you stick your vibrator. And be sure to heed the warning labels on things before you use them. Had I read the sticker in advance, I would have saved myself the embarrassment of having to tell the vibrator story to the doctor because I wouldn't have used it on my calf.

So, I propose a new disease. This disease begins with unexplained calf pain and eventually causes victims dumb enough to vibrate their aching calves to run around telling embarrassing stories about themselves. I've heard that the first victim of a disease usually gets to name it, so here it goes: I dub this disease Tibetan Unexplained Calf Pain Syndrome.


Thanks to jethro bodine and thecarp for straightening me out on what this sticker means. Unfortunately it's too late for me, I'm already afflicted with TUCPS. Hopefully this information will save someone else from a life of embarrassment like my own.

For another embarrassing story read Snowboards with Vibrators.

The vibrator warning spoken about in the original writup here is a warning that is on all sexual vibrators in the United States. The warning in question states "Do not use on swollen areas or on unexplained calf pain.".

The reason for this is very simple. Rarely, the cause of such ailments can be a lodged blood clot (aka embolus). The use of a vibrator has the potential to free the blood clot and allow it to travel in the blood stream, and can cause more serious problems (people have died from such blood clots) .

Okay, to tell you the truth, I was never going to share this story with E2 since it's a little... well... I don't know what it is. But darling m_turner told me about this node called "Vibrator Warning" and I was just so excited to find out that other people have read the same label that I just really wanted to share.

I now firmly believe that no man will ever be able to make me have an orgasm.

Wait, maybe I should offer a little bit of background to that statement. I'm about to share some very personal information with you. That does not give you the right to tease me about it. Keep that in mind.

One night I went into chat on College Club piss drunk, and confessed that I'd never had an orgasm before. I've had sex with tons of people, (well not tons, but a lot,) and I've masturbated a gajillion times and every boyfriend I've ever had has tried to make me have an orgasm. But no one could. I was left out of that world of bliss. I thought I was destined to forever think sex just "felt okay." And then that night when I went into chat and confessed that I'd never experienced fireworks and tinglings, one dear sweet girl took pity on me. She mailed me a vibrator.

Yes, I now own a vibrator of my very own. And let me tell you, I use it. I've been sexless for around 5 months, but it doesn't matter. This vibrator is better than any sex has ever been.

I finally had an orgasm.

Yessiree bob. But it was soooo much work. I think that I don't know my own body that well, because it takes me at least 20 minutes to orgasm, but oh my god. I had no idea that's what it was supposed to feel like. I had no idea that I had the capacity for sensations like that within my body. It's amazing. It starts in your stomach, and expands until you have these crazy shock waves shooting out of your fingers and toes and your whole body shakes.

How come a man could never make me feel like that? Seriously though, if it's that hard for me to do it to myself, what makes me think that any man could ever figure out exactly the right combination of buttons and levers and knobs to tweak? I've set an impossible task for them.

When I first started experimenting with my new love toy, I wasn't selfish at all. I had one orgasm and I'd just lay there and fall asleep, totally spent. But about a week ago I thought I was an expert and I decided I'd shoot for two in one session.

Oooooh that was a bad idea.

An hour and a half later I finally achieved number 2. If Number One was electric shocks, Number Two would have to be getting hit by a train or something, it was that intense. It was well worth the work and the time, but I just don't have an hour and a half to invest in that feeling.

The reason I'm saying this now is that I just spent 45 minutes shooting for Number Two and I failed miserably. I get all frustrated and then I just set myself back more and it's so hard to figure out what to do and finally I just gave up and decided to crawl over to my computer and write a quick blurb about it.

Maybe one of the reasons it's so hard to have an orgasm is because I don't exactly have the most comfortable of conditions to work with. I have to lock my bedroom door and turn the radio all the way up so my roommate won't hear that insanely loud buzzing from the next room. And as if the radio wasn't enough, I also have to cover it with a pillow and a comforter. And an hour and a half spent under a comforter with music blaring in my ears doesn't exactly bring visions of Antonio Banderas naked and covered with mustard to mind. Not that I was really trying to think of that...

As I lay there dying under a hot blanket I'm constantly scared that my stupid roommate is gonna come to the door and ask to borrow money or something. That's so upsetting. I guess it would be similar to a guy losing an erection, wouldn't it? My roommate is so inconsiderate. Doesn't he understand a girl has needs?

I must say I wish these little magic finger toy things came with instructions though. All it said was "do not use on swollen calf muscles". So of course the first thing I did was try to use it on my calves. I mean, if they take the time to put a warning about that on the box then that must mean that lots of people were doing it, and if lots of people were doing it there must be SOME benefit to it. I thought maybe the root of the clit was based in the calf muscles and you could have an insta-orgasm if you vibrated there.

Someone explained anatomy shortly after my retelling of the calf muscles story, and I now know exactly where the root of the clit is.

Unfortunately that knowledge did not make intercourse orgasms any easier.

Some day I'll learn.

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