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When I was a kid and I was sick, my parents would usually load me up with the following, depending on what sort of sickness I had:

My parents may not have had the tastiest things to give me, but they always were trying something to make me feel better. I'm really sick today, in fact, and I'm drinking some 7-Up and orange juice as we speak.
ColdClub Soda mixed in with warm milk
actually works, e-mail me if you are curious to the boring scientific explanation on why.

Tummy Ache
Dried up bread and weak tea
it was the only thing I could keep down

Nausea
A tea-spoon of baking soda Gross? Not really, works just like Alka-Szeltzer, but works better

Fever Red Current Jam and lemon
Has a blood thinning effect like aspirin, takes fever down

A Bad Break-up
Valium.....

Um... let me see...

  • Hot 'Army Gravy': Good for a cold. I love it even when I'm not sick. It's just cream of mushroom with either beef or pork chunks, over fresh mashed potatoes. Good..... wait... fun stuff.
  • Hawaian Bread and 7-up: Not so wierd, fresh bread of any kind is good during a flu. It has to do with the starch or something. Not like I'm complaining, it's nice to be served good food sometimes.
  • Hot Tea with honey: The honey is in the tea. Yes, in the tea. It's good for sore throat. Hot and thick, it sticks and melts the crap away.
  • (Nailbunny)A bad break up: A shot of break-up is good...

My parents had two cures for everything when I would get sick. The first was the light step to gauge the nastiness of the affliction. The second was designed to kill you.

The first step was to warm up some milk in a kettle, almost to point of boiling. Then, it would be poured on toast and covered with sugar and cinammon. I eat this shit when I'm perfectly healthy 'cause godDAMN it is good.

If that didn't cure what ailed me or my sister, we were then met with what could only have come from the devil. In the pantry, sitting quietly just waiting to come out, was a bottle of liquid death. Pure Coca-Cola syrup. If you happen to be in your right mind and have never tried pure Coke syrup, avoid it like the goddamn plague.

This particular remedy was applied no matter what the affliction. Stubbed toe, headache, sniffles, amputated arm.......you got the Coke syrup if the milk-toast didn't make you jump up and down immediatley. This always seemed odd to me because the only effect the syrup ever had was instant vomiting. And I'm not talking polite, in the toilet vomiting. I'm talking projectile, full body heave, head all the way in the toilet vomiting. Through observation of use it was apparent to the kids but not the parents that the body's immediate reaction to the syrup was "GET THIS SHIT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!"" Not one time did the syrup cure anything, and in fact it always made me feel worse.

I impatiently await the day when my parents are old and senile and in a home so I can slip them some of this black death and let the nurses clean up the mess.

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