It used to be that if nothing else was true at least this was......Family

I look now at the circumstances, the situations the scope of it all is stagering, but I do not sway. I steady myself, prepare for the endless journey that lay ahead.

I am weak now, poisoned by the truth of it all. It seems odd that it was what I desired most. It kept me going, struggling to find it among the wreckage.

It was there all along, floating around disguising itself as thoughts, actions, people. It was always there, it never left, you just hid from it. People choose not to see it, truth is there for all to behold and contains more power than can be acknowledged by some.

"You wear a mask, it hides who you are". I told myself that in a dream once long ago. I did not see it then, I couldn't for it was part of me and still is. I shrugged it off as just a dream.

Now I am older and have experienced many things which the mask had shielded me from thinking about. To me my father is the strength of my family, nothing stopped him, nothing stops him. I always wanted to be like him, I want to be like him, I am like him.

I guess I took my family for granted. hamster bong would always be far back as I can remember she was there, little baby jannie, scrounging for icecream money in kitchener, trips out west, when kate was born, when josh was born, christmas, easter. A lifetime of memories, they seem so empty now. I remember it all and now, soon, it will be gone. Even now as I think back on the time i've spent on this earth I deal with it in the same old way.

First anger, angry at what, at who, the pain persists. I feed off it, as it tears me apart inside I move on, the strength i've developed from my father cannot be undone by pain. I think of everything at once all the good all the bad and the anger drives me, I push aside the pain with the strength of a lifetime and move on. I cannot fight it off forever and eventually it wins, crushing me alive.

Reasoning, more like ignorance. The least effective means I have to deal with the pain but yet every time it comes about and taunts me with its logic and insane bantering.

Finally I just stop, stop thinking, stop feeling, stop living, just for awhile. Here a piece of me dies, here I feel so alone that nothing else matters. Pain cannot exist in this void so I am free. Free but alone, locked in a place where nothing exists but me. Not even a stray thought penetrates this hell. I have become dependant on it now, it's all I have to close the gaping wounds that I created for myself and time has left up to me to mend.

I have so much to say, I would sit there crying, not knowing what to say, what to type. I listened to the music, it made things go away without going to that place. I wanted more than anything to be close to someone anyone, maybe it will make that place go away forever. I hurt so many trying to fill the emptiness of the void that I hide in. I just want it to stop.

The pain has done its damage and now as I type I will soon be there, alone.

Good bye

Never trust a minty brained man, indeed....for ice can burn hotter than the hottest fires of hell when it comes from the mind of man.

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