– You’re not gonna believe this! Are you watching the news?
– (…)
– Yes, they were mine! Who else had—
– (…)
– Hey, fuck you, I liked how they taste together!
– (…)
– So what? That’s no reason for throwing them out!
– (…)
– Dude, really? I left them there for a reason!
– (…)
– Yes I do!
– (…)
– Yes I do! It’s not my fault you don’t appreciate the joys of drunk reading
– (…)
– It makes it all funny. I swear to god, man, sometimes I don’t know why—
– (…)
– Yes, go read, I don’t know, “Around the World” after you’ve had a few and you’ll see—
– (…)
– What?
– (…)
– That’s the point!
– (…)
– Says the guy who gets drunk to Family Feud
– (…)
– It is not. Whoever writes those prompts, man. They’re just trying to fuck with—uh whatshisname—whatever, they just want to see him reacting to double entendres.
– (…)
– You brought it up!
– (…)
– What? Oh yes, they had no right!
– (…)
– Yes, they were mine! I remember now!
– (…)
– Because…
– (…)
– This stays between us, right?
– (…)
– No, I mean really between us.
– (…)
– Because… Remember Susan’s parents being all religious and all that?
– (…)
– …only after marriage, yes.
– (…)
– Well, not exactly.
– (…)
– What I mean… Remember that time those scouts came to football practice?
– (…)
– Yes and fucking Joe decides to be a team player for once in his goddamn life only to screw up every single play…
– (…)
– Maybe? He dropped out, went upstate and could still be there for all I care. I was pissed at him and I was pissed at Susan not wanting to…
– (…)
– All of them, except Susan!
– (…)
– I don’t know! Maybe she got the kicks out of being their leader and being able to “stay pure”…
– (…)
– Look, I don’t know, all right?
– (…)
– I was getting there! It was Saturday, Joe had been a real piece, Susan just told me she couldn’t make it and my parents were busy making each other miserable. I’m very much not feeling it and I decide to go to the only place Joe wouldn’t go.
– (…)
– I do like reading, dumb fuck.
– (…)
– I just wanted to blow off some steam, all right? Just get a buzz, have a cheap laugh and get back home for dinner.
– (…)
– I know because I left them there. I was planning on drinking them all—
– (…)
– I just wanted to be alone and away from those guys. Jesus, I don’t need this—
– (…)
– Well then let me finish. I managed to sneak them past Mr Hunsacker. I go straight to the math section, he won’t suspect me being there…
– (…)
– Nah, don’t you remember? They were around a corner, past the stairs…
– (…)
– Because it was Saturday and a million degrees out, no one would be at the Library studying.
– (…)
– Because… Remember Karen?
– (…)
– No, she was… two years ahead? But everyone knew her…
– (…)
– That’s the one. At this point she’s already in college—
– (…)
– Sophomore, I think. Well, apparently she came back home for the weekend and decided to hit the books…
– (…)
– I mean, she was always there, right?
– (…)
– I don’t know, she always seemed like a doormat to me. I wanted to relax and said “fuck it, I’ll risk her ratting me out.” So I cracked one open, put my feet up and started to read.
– (…)
– I’m getting there! I was trying to read, but this girl… well, she’s being careless…
– (…)
– No, more like… getting a book from the top shelf right in front of me…
– (…)
– Well, I’m only human, of course I did. Nothing spectacular, but it was a nice show—
– (…)
– Black.
– (…)
– Yup. I mean, who doesn’t look good in those?
– (…)
– Nah. Again, a doormat. Careless around boys. Didn’t think much of it.
– (…)
– Well, she sat right in front of me and I go back to my thing. She’s annoying, shifting around in her chair and I’m this close to tell her to shut up…
– (…)
– Nah, not worth it…
– (…)
– All’s fine until she passes me a note—
– (…)
– Yeah, what is this, third period French? But whatever, I’m a bit buzzed at this point and decide to humor her.
– (…)
– It just said “I think you dropped these.” So I look up—
– (…)
– Yes—
– (…)
– No, she really is. Not like, accidentally. Pulling up her sweater with both hands…
– (…)
– I don’t know, it felt like forever, I couldn’t stop looking.
– (…)
– Not huge, but large? Like, full-on—
– (…)
– Perky, pointing up directly at me…
– (…)
– Believe me, I didn’t as well. If I had knew sooner…
– (…)
– I don’t know, maybe only a few seconds. But it felt a lot longer…
– (…)
– Oh no. She put it back on and resumed reading like nothing happened.
– (…)
– I wrote her another note—
– (…)
– Because we’re still in the library.
– (…)
– I don’t remember, but it was something dumb, like “WOW!” or something like that. I wasn’t thinking straight.
– (…)
– What can I say? I had had one and the pure shock was…
– (…)
– As I said, not thinking straight. She stands up, picks her books and walks away—
– (…)
– I thought so, but she came back and kissed me on the cheek.
– (…)
– Something like “Leave them and meet me outside”
– (…)
– Well, what do you think, huh? I just stashed them in the highest shelf behind me and went out.
– (…)
– …oh we did.
– (…)
– Her house. She drove us there.
– (…)
– Almost, I had to hurry out the back door.
– (…)
– I wanted to, but the next day I had dinner at Susan’s. I tried calling but her folks told me she’d left…
– (…)
– …to her fiancé’s house…
– (…)
– Yes.
– (…)
– I… don’t know? Eventually Susan and I got engaged and now Karen is back in her folks’ house, with husband and kid.
– (…)
– No, we have. His kid plays soccer with Lucie. We’re together in the parents’ chat…
– (…)
– What if she does?
– (…)
– Maybe, or maybe not! Maybe it was all planned, or it was a spur of the moment. Maybe she’d wanted it all along, maybe she just wanted to get it on with someone, anyone. Maybe she liked doing it in the library, I don’t know. It’s not up to me to bring it up…
– (…)
– Because there’s no need to!
– (…)
– Because I got my cherry popped, my parents split and my scholarship accepted all in the same week! Do you think I would remember—
– (…)
– But. That. Is. Not. The. Point.
– (…)
– They had no reason to throw them away! I was going to come back to get them!
Inspired on true events
The CNN report says:
A stash of beer and gum that dates back to the 1980s was discovered hidden behind the shelves of a Washington library
By Kelsie Smith, CNN
Updated 2230 GMT (0630 HKT) August 13, 2020
(CNN) — It was a real whodunit when a stash of beer and gum from the 1980s was discovered behind the walls of the Mystery section at a Washington library.
(…)
During the demolition three weeks ago, five full cans of Hamm’s beer and an opened pack of Godzilla Heads gum was found in a disintegrated paper bag, Wells said. Facilities Maintenance Specialist, Luis Cuellar found the odd treasure when he removed a seven foot tall corner panel on some open top shelving believed to be original to the 1970s building.
(…)
With some packaging clues, such as a missing warning label required on beer after the late 80’s, library staff calculated that the hidden stash had to have been there for at least 30 years. “It looked like somebody had just stashed it there and maybe thought they could get it later … but there was no way to get it out,” Wells said.
The Facebook post reads:
With the Walla Walla Public Library closed to the public, staff have been changing its layout to better serve patrons when it reopens. While moving the mystery collection to a more accessible place, a Facilities crew member uncovered a real-life whodunit when he removed a corner panel on some 1970s-era shelving with an open top.
Along with the usual dust and dead bugs, he found five unopened cans of “the beer refreshing” and some monstrously stale gum still in its vibrant packaging, along with a moldering paper bag. Someone had apparently taken a cue from “Treasure Island” and stashed their booty behind the shelving, but then wasn’t able to retreive [sic] it.
Godzilla Heads gum dates to the late 1980s, and the rule that requires warnings to be printed on alcohol containers was enacted in November 1988. So we think the goods were there for upward of 30 years. Talk about a long shelf life!
What’s the next chapter for the artifacts? After chewing on the question for a while, library staff decided to transfer them to another City facility. The abandoned relics now reside in the Sudbury Landfill. It’s probably not the outcome the trove owner expected; unfortunately, not every story has a happy ending.
🜞—
⚔️—
⚔️—
⚔️