user since
Tue Jul 27 2010 at 03:47:37 (14 years ago )
number of write-ups
669 - View Zephronias's writeups (feed)
number of write-ups within last year
level / experience
35 (Princeps) / 58179
C!s spent
mission drive within everything
Ambition is the tool of the devil. Spite the devil by being a lazy blob of mush.
I excel at nothing, and nothing is what I excel in.
"A mall cop on a segway is always leaning towards justice!"
member of
Content Editors - My Endorsements
categories maintained
The life and times of a fallen angel, Stories about Mia, The Man With The Terrible Eyes, The Man in Black comes to 3/4ths Market Street, X'melborp the Andarian Lab Technician and Human Greg, Zeph's Family Shenanigans and Personals, Occasional Microfiction, Hell Hath No Fury, Thomas Ascher, Necromancer, Stories from the Home, Zeph's Teacher Diaries, Choose Your Own Adventure: Teloch od Eophan, The Knights, Stolen Child, Weird Niche Internet Drama
most recent writeup
Epic: The Musical
Send private message to Zephronias

I am not clever. I'm not a writer. I just happen to write stuff.

NOTE: Feel free to add anything I write to any relevant categories.

I have met Auspice, The_Custodian and Haqiqat in real life. They are all awesome. Custo is a seven foot tall giant with a large hammer he calls Mindy. When he gets angry, he sprouts wings and the hammer catches fire, making it easier to destroy buildings. Auspice is a sorceress who can steal the life out of people on the street and occasionally her eyes burn with purple fire, but only when she's enjoying good a chai. Haqiqat is the dark being who shall not be Described. To describe something is to bind it to a tangible form, and he is a being beyond such trifling, mortal things.

Stuff I'm Kinda Proud Of

The Man With The Terrible Eyes
Hell Hath No Fury
I died a little inside, and now I reek of death
Staring at the floor pattern in the kitchen
Sometimes birds are lions and prides of pigeons shake the ground when they roar.
Brother's Keeper
The Mysterious Disappearance of Catharine Haggerty
Aimery Vise, the Annis Witch
The Terminal Dreams Part One and Two
The Spirits and Raimn Part One and Part Two
The Cat and the Pigeons Part One and Part Two
We are legion, soon to be many
The kind of gods that crawl out of the rubble of a shattered place, full of shadow and sadness and obsession

* * * * *

Sometimes you guys say things I want to remember.

Clockmaker: ... uwu ...

Clockmaker: Alas! You must try it again, but without the failure this time.

* Clockhearst moist

Swift: My name is Zeph/ and in the morn'/not studyyinge/ the pappers torne/ to passe the time/ I cant elope/ i breake the record/ i lyk the enveloppe
Clockmaker You can't just add two syllables to the most truncated line! \>__DTal is a teapot full of soy, according to a high school acquaintance.

OldMiner: Better than me. For a long time, I thought German people are from doucheland.
OldMiner: I figured they were all spring fresh and danced on beaches with silk scarves a lot.

Clockmaker: Veganism is basically a monastic mortification of the flesh for people who don't believe in God, so they have no reason to do it, just an impulse to harm themselves.

RedOmega: Art appreciation? That's a thing? That needs to be taught?
RedOmega: It's a painting of a Campbell's soup can, what the hell do you want from me?

Montag: 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live with a plunging neckline like that with no waist, gurl'


androjen: Ahh, truck nuts. A sure sign their owner should never breed.

Simulacron3 scratches Zeppo behind the ear and enjoys the purr.

Auspice: MrF doesn't get pissed. His beard just eats people.

IWhoSawTheFace: The math was simpler in my day. We had 1, and 2. In grad school we got 3. Beyond that was Monsters.

Pandeism Fish: Your mom couldn't afford to take you to see paranormal activity three, so she showed you your birth video instead. It was scarier and more people died in it

wombat-socho: Little did Satan know that while God doesn't cheat at dice, he always uses his own coins for the toss.

yannmatin: Mrf, how many languages do you speak?
misterfuffie: eh, that number fluctuates, yann.
Montag imagines a MrF who speaks Dutch, but only when he's drunk.

Halspal E2 is a rich tapestry of people you probably wouldn't sit next to on the bus.

BookReader: Moonshine can make you go blind and obviously I can't afford that due to all the werewolves running around.
RedOmega: Pfft, not that hard to make distilled liquor safe. Just throw away the first 1/3 you distill.
BookReade: Throw it away? I might as well just hand it to the werewolves!
BookReader: Blind werewolves can't see when the moon is up. Do you know what that means? THEY'RE WEREWOLVES ALL THE TIME!

Zephronias: {stroke} my ego next! I had a bad day!
Zephronias waits.
Posmella: Zephronias is better than sour cream 73% of the time.
Zephronias beams.
Posmella: I don't know where you're coming from, but for context, I'm pretty sure that sour cream is actually ambrosia.

The Custodian: To piss off racists, I hit on white women.
IWhoSawTheFace: HA HA HA HA HA.
The Custodian is in yer gene pool, sampling the warez

Montag: 'Yeah, the diocese is very sorry for the fifty years of covering up abuse, but you can't make a religion without raping a few eggs.'

go ahead I'll listen: Well I think y'r swell 'n nifty, no matter how much ya fails.
go ahead I'll listen: Even if you dropped a baby you'd still be sort of cool after a few hours.

RACECAR: The little one can stand now and is often to walking soon I think. I occupy her by sitting her in front of a laundry basket full of clothes. It takes her about a half hour to empty it.
RACECAR: Other times in public, I get people to say,
RACECAR: "You really have your hands full" to which I reply,
RACECAR: "I am blessed, my hands used to be very empty".

GhettoAardvark: Swearing with clogged sinuses is possibly the most emasculating thing ever. It's impossible to communicate the breadth and depth of your rage when it comes out "Gob dabbit".

Aerobe is stealing a table from her illegal tenement! Thrilling!
Clockmaker: Psst: I think you're not supposed to broadcast it worldwide
Aerobe: No, I'm just that good. I can broadcast my heists and the arm of the law is powerless to intercede!
Clockmaker: I'm surprised that you even have illegal tenements. I thought everything was legal in Canada.
Clockmaker: I thought it was international waters but on land.

E2D2: If not for the catbox, where would I be?
BookReader: In hell, robot.

Auspice raises the hand of benediction...
raincomplex has been SANCTIFIED!

Auspice: That's not coming out any time soon. Shit's worse than bleach.
raincomplex: whose hand is that? it's still bleeding
Auspice: I stole it off a Pope. Don't ask.

The Custodian: Winters Tale is like having the English language make smoky passionate prose to you.

Clockefeller: I guess every cloud has a poop-colored lining.

Montag: Please, what's a penis between friends?

DonJaime: It's all just happy fun and games until the hostage asphyxiates.
BaronWR: Then it's fun, games and necrophilia?

DonJaime releases a five-headed killer hell-hug into the catbox.

OldMiner: I'd appreciate not being eaten.
OldMiner: Just in case you were wondering.
OldMiner: Anyhow, I'm sure I taste bitter and am full of gnobly bits of unresolved Catholic guilt.

Ancientsnow uterus: pew pew pew!

Montag: I'm not sure what the difference is between a witch and a warlock, but god help you if you get the both of them together with a lion.

misterfuffie: Even if there were subtitles, I wouldn't care to watch. It's horrifying just from the synopsis I've been given.
misterfuffie: Coffee Prince is a coffee shop in Korea. Three men work there, but one of them is secretly a woman, and one of them is secretly Japanese.
BIII: I am horrified from a remarkably extreme distance.

BookReader: Naked Mole Rats are penis with teeth.
Clockmaker: I am forced to draw conclusions about user Bookreader's manhood which are even less pleasant than being made to contemplate it in the first place.
BookReader: You don't want to see the hand-held mole rat?
BookReader: For shame.
BookReader: I need not defend my manhood nor the collective naked mole rat manhood.
Clockmaker: Conclusions like »you should probably see a doctor about that«.

RedOmega: Fat, drunk, and dumb is no way to go through life, son.
GhettoAardvark: It's an excellent way to spend a weekend, though.

Jet-Poop: Dr Pepper is my magic soda girlfriend.
Jet-Poop: I'm now sorry I said that aloud.
Jet-Poop: There's no need to bring Freud into it, just because I deep-throat the 20-oz bottles.

ChristineWinter: Ah, a good old fashion hedge clipper castration. That takes me back. A simpler time, before the internet ruined everything.

OldMiner: Admirable Bosoms has been pushing Yeoman Lovebumps especially hard lately.

Clockmaker: I'm not happy about being made to agree with P. Fish and I want you all to stop putting me in that situation.

misterfuffie: Been there, man. Trust me. Then I discovered sitting on the porch with a pipe and yelling at neighborhood kids. And then the neighborhood kids discovered rocks. And then I decided to stay inside more.

IWhoSawTheFace: Zeph, you think New Jersey people are stereotyped. But they're really as bad as they're made out to be on television.

Halspal: I use the term 'we' universally because I carry a turd in my pocket and speak for both of us.

Jet-Poop: When I walk down the grocery store aisle with harpoons sticking out of me, I am pursued by a peglegged sea captain who is angry because I stole the last of the chocolate milk.

EDB spits out pallid light-starved flesh

StuartO))): I love the nineties, man. All my drugs are in there!

water: e2d2, what would Zephronias say about naked?
E2D2: water: Zephronias might say, "Those are hellspawn. Bye bye naked intentions laptop. I'm trying to arouse montag with mentions of NAKED, WELL ENDOWED MEN BEING NAKED NAKEDLY. "
water: WOW.

Clockmaker: (when reused) Black tea turns into a morass of tannins and devilry.

Simulacron3: When it comes to field mice, the adults are every bit as cute as the babies.

ChristineWinter: Arreter likes stabbing people. I like the cut of your jib, kid.

E2D2: wertperch: So why doesn't some pro-choice group just make a commercial saying, "Every year, over 10,000 women die from pregnancies which lead to a placental abruption. These women are more likely to be struck by lightning than give birth a Heisman Trophy winner.

misterfuffie: And yeah,I have a beer now and again, but i stop when I start to become aware of my teeth as individual entities.
misterfuffie: I have to think to myself, "Am I drunk?" and then I click my teeth together a little. And then I realize what I'm doing and it occurs to me that yes, you are drunk, this thing in your hand is your last beer.
misterfuffie: And I know I'm hosed when the waitress slaps me for clicking my teeth at her like a wolf, and I can't feel the slap because my face is numb.

Evil Catullus ravishes Montag like he is an improbably named industrialist

cassparadox: ...chocolate is an aphrodisiac, Clockmaker. Chocolates are very heavily associated with Valentine's Day. You give heart-shaped boxes full of them to women you like.
cassparadox: I understand this concept of liking things other than books may be difficult...
cassparadox: But sometimes humans get these warm fuzzy feelings towards other humans.
cassparadox: And then they insert bookmarks into specific pages.
cassparadox: And you get mini-humans. Think of it as a limited-edition print.

Jet-Poop: Zeph can't drive, and Arreter can't drink. I hate the Amish.

The Custodian multitasks, downloading pr0n while watching Bond while keeping calm and carrying on

BookReader: E2D2 can't love, but he will make every effort to appear to because he's programmed as a low level sociopath.

Intentions: I have an authentic MILF for a physical therapist.
Intentions: And a redhead at that.
alex: Brother, don't you know better than to ILF a woman whose job it is to hurt you?
Intentions: Oh she hasn't hurt me yet.
Intentions: I have to wait another 2 weeks for that.
alex: Bursting with anticipation, are you now? Isn't a dominatrix cheaper?
Intentions: The only thing coming out of my pocket is a 20 dollar co-pay.

Pandeism Fish: Now sometimes I go looking for closeup shots of ladies' anal sphincter areas on the internet, and then use photoshop to turn them into anatomically unrecognizable works of art, which I post on conservative websites.
Clockmaker: I would like to never have to hear any piece of information about the life and activities of Pandeism Fish ever again.

ChristineWinter: Pork sword.

The Custodian bursts in, levels his AUG and fires a 3-round burst past Zeph's ear at the bloodsucker coming up from behind before carefully putting down his gun and offering a silent prayer.
('Cause he's a vampire killing monk with a machine gun)

Rapscallion: If you're mostly clothed, sex in the snow is not a problem.
BookReader: Don't your clothes get soaked?
tentative: Rushed, frantic sex could work in most unideal situations.
Rapscallion: In fact, I believe it's Canada's national sport.
tentative redefines her definition of "hockey"
BookReader: It's not Curling? Blast! You're ruining my idealistic picture of Canada.
[Rapscallion: Curling is the family-friendly one we pretend to like.
BookReader: The one where Canadians reproduce by budding just like sea anemones.
Zephronias: Wait, people in Canada have sex? I just figured they reproduced by politely holding hands.
Rapscallion: We do, the sex is for fun.

OuT2FaR Everybody needs a little bird whispering shit into their ear.

Evil Catullus: ... furries have a convention in the same hotel i stayed in. I swam in that pool. I felt dirty when i found out.

OldMiner: If you show a corpse in Act I, you better raise the dead by Act III.

JohnnyCashed: Zephronias brings a smile to my face.
Zephronias: SCORE!

OldMiner: Thus far today, I get the impression that Canadians detest adorable house centipedes and encourage wider spread of bed bugs.
OldMiner: This is not improving my opinions of America's Hat, let me tell you.

Clockmaker: That is NOT RIGHT
Clockmaker: That is WRONG

misterfuffie: Anyway, it's better to transition away from the dollar ASAP due to the tracking microchips that are embedded in them. Silver coins can be melted down to check for tracking devices, and also turned into anti-werewolf bullets. Fare more useful than fiat currency.

TenMinJoe: Them: You are sending the stuff too fast! We cannot handle so much stuff.
TenMinJoe: Me: Okay, I will do some work to send it slower. How is it now?
TenMinJoe: Them: It is still too much stuff! We cannot handle so much stuff! Why do you send us this stuff?
TenMinJoe: Me: I thought you wanted it.
TenMinJoe: Them: No, we do not want the stuff.
TenMinJoe: Me: I'll stop sending the stuff then, shall I? Rather than doing more work to send it slower?
TenMinJoe: Them: Yes please no stuff.
TenMinJoe: Tune in again in a week's time for the WHERE IS THE STUFF? conversation

Montag: The hat is wonderful, but it's the expression that makes it.
Montag: Man walks down the street wearing a hat like that, you know he's not afraid of anything.
JohnnyCashed: That hat is guaranteed to protect the virginity of the wearer.

OldMiner gives a golden shower to clockmaker!

OldMiner: Ok, /special has gotten a little different.
Clockmaker: I feel uncomfortable with your hasty familiarity.
OldMiner: I should have gone with the old stand-by tentacle.
OldMiner buys Clockmaker dinner first

Jet-Poop: You ever seen a cicada try to mate with a lawnmower? I have.
Jet-Poop: The lawnmower's orgasms were very messy.
Jet-Poop: The children born of that union were quite merciless to the local plantlife.
Jet-Poop: And humanlife.
Jet-Poop: And rocklife.
Jet-Poop: And all animallife except for cicadas and cows. No idea why.
IWhoSawTheFace imagines a lawnmower lolling, looking at the sky, smoking a cigarette, and speaking of French existentialism

IWhoSawTheFace: Eien++
eien_meru: Okay, okay, quit sucking my cock.

Clockmaker: Seriously children, if your body has the shape of a chicken drumstick, you're not even obese in the normal healthy way, get HELP

misterfuffie:Is it called a parliament of owls the same way crows are a murder and dogs are a lawnfuck?
aeschylean: I declare that if the owls are rabid then the collective noun is vendetta. A vendetta of rabid owls.

15:18 custo It's more important to do something you enjoy than something you're good at. But ideally, do what pays well and then find a way to do the stuff you enjoy on top of that (or stealthily).
15:19 Clockefeller Confucius say: All work is picking the tea, shipping the tea or selling the tea; it matters not. What matters is how much tea you can buy.
15:49 custo Confucius was a naked capitalist???
15:50 Clockefeller No, he wore trousers most of the time.

17:18 My main beef with America vis-à-vis chocolate is that Hershey's insists on tinting its wax and calling it chocolate.
17:19 That laxity of American advertising and labeling law which does not oblige them to call their line »Hershey's Pressed Wax Byproducts™« is incomprehensible to a Yurrupean.
17:22 So what you're saying is you lack the acuity of taste to appreciate kisses?
17:23 Hershey™ Brand Uniform Candle Drippings? Never could deal well with them, no.

Zephronias feels ill.
Zephronias drank like 30oz of lemonade in one sitting.

Zephronias: Am I going to die?
Evil Catullus: No.
RedOmega: Yes.
Old_New: Absolutely.

Clockmaker: Those blonde triplets are built on the *exact same character model* as Belle!
Clockmaker: But she still gives them shit, and Gaston rejects them for her, and also there's an incredibly suspicious thing the animators did where they apparently attempt to imply the triplets are bad by giving them bigger breasts.
Tem42: The best way to show that a cartoon is beautiful is to show other cartoons preferring it over cartoons with bigger breasts.
Clockmaker: But that's entirely contrary to human standards of beauty!
Tem42: The medium cannot show it directly, but Belle is even better than big breasts.
Tem42: This is a fairy tale.
Clockmaker: They should have just given her the bigger breasts, then. That seems like it would be more effective.
Tem42: They want 12 year old girls to identify with her.
Tem42: Belle isn't drawn for you, Clock.
Tem42: This is why Belle's primary characteristic is scorn for those around her.
Clockmaker: There's no natural law that says 12-year-old girls have to be uncomfortable with the feminine shape, you know. That's our bizarre society at work again, making girls repressive while claiming to try to liberate them.
Clockmaker: If she were drawn for me they would have edited out the girl and left the books.
RedOmega: I heard talk about boobs and I came as soon as I could.
Clockmaker: The beast is redeemed by his love for a pristine copy of Aldus Manutius' printing of Hypnerotomachia Poliphili

ZEph tries and fails to imagine clock at a modern hoppin bar scene
ZEph tries to imagine clock in the middle of a crowd of people chanting at him "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!"
Clockhearst What, you think I wouldn't shoot those people?
Clockhearst Are you calling me a coward?

<Jet-Poop> Did someone say Zeph has a book coming out?
<Zephronias> No.
<RedOmega> Fifty Shades of Grey: A field guide to identifying pigeons.

moeyz: don't want no one dicking w/me today, thankyouverymuch
Auspice: Best to stay out of the catbox then, moeyz. Some people in here exist to dick with you.
Auspice: It's for when you feel you've got a nice hardened carapace.
Zephronias tentatively dicks with moeyz, just to see what happens.
Zephronias: Wait, it is? Shit.
Zephronias leaves to go find thicker skin.
Auspice: Or, if like Zeph, you just don't give a shit because lol Internets.

ChristineWinter: Zeph is a girly girl?!
Arreter: Zeph couldn't pull off girly if she were a gay guy.

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