Your friend Behr has had a very busy year, but not so busy as to fail to remark upon the return of greatness to America via the first free elections held in this fine country since 2004. And now after suffering under eight years of the tyranny and soul destroying reign of Kenyan strongman Obama, we now have a real American hero at the helm who will make America great again.
So, for those of you who are too young to remember the days of freedom, peace, and profits hang on! You probably want to know what to expect and yes change can be scary (although not as scary as when you are home alone and naked and you hear a noise in the hallway but your pants are in the other room). Do not be afraid! Greatness is returning but what to expect was the question I asked before becoming sidetracked by normal pantlessness.
Your friend Behr will group the forthcoming knowledge into sections for greater readability for those who are easily overwhelmed.
Section One: Immediate Impact
First of of all, there will be a return of confidence in the nation followed by the end of Obamacare and its horrible Death Panels. How many of us have gone to the doctor's office and found out that they won't treat us because we are old and somewhat pompous? During the tyranny I was placed in one of Obama's Death Booths twice (but managed to escape by being wily). We all know about these Death Booths because they give you a cup and tell you to "pee in it" while making winky eyes at you before sending you into the Death Booth. They won't exist anymore! And health care will return to being rightfully American. If you have money, you get health care. If you don't have money then what business do you have going on in life?
Those of you who weren't born in the time of freedom before Obama's crushing authoritarianism and horror show legacy probably won't remember what freedom and getting laid regularly was like. You probably don't remember when a man could walk up to a woman, make winky eyes at her, and be in the sack with her within twenty minutes. That time is coming back. There will be no more embarassing refusals. Women will do what we ask them to do, and that is good, because it is good to get laid regularly. I've only laid with a woman once since 1977 and that was probably a mistake because she kept talking about how she wanted to "do it" with elven folk.
Section Two: The First Hundred Days
It is popular in politics to talk about the first hundred days of presidential being. Those days set the stage for what is to come. So, what will my hero Donald Trump bring in the first hundred days? Change we can believe in! And he will show us we are stronger together and that the weak links must be eliminated to make us strong. So, the millions of non-working people and invalids created by Obama will be sent to poorly managed and cruel work camps. They will learn how to work by being subjected to seven day work weeks and sixteen hour work days. They will learn! They will truly learn and they will be better for it, if they do not die in the process (in which case they will be too weak to be of value to the state anyway).
President Trump is also likely to decriminalize "white collar crime." Since white collar crime is victimless and profitable, it should be encouraged rather than punished, and those who choose not to choose profits over stupid people should be the ones incarcerated and killed. There are disruptors and protestors and such out there that slow down traffic and annoy people. Why aren't they being shot? Why? Because of the tyranny of the Obama regime that lets them breed. Don't work? How about using sharp scissors to remove your testicles. Disagree with President Trump? How about using sharp scissors to remove your testicles. Don't have testicles? How does being sold as a sex kitten to a Slovakian "investor" sound?
There are solutions to problems, and some of these solutions will make America great again. Other solutions not so much.
Section Three: My Efforts to Help the Poor
I want people who disagree with me to be killed, and there is nothing wrong with that but I also want to help make America great again and there is only so much killing my conscience can stand (more than 100 but less than 1,000). So I decided to go out into the rougher parts of Baltimore's inner city and try to recruit strapping young men for my latest business venture.
Earlier this year I bought a lot of 60,000 defective vacuum cleaners for $100. Now this might not seem like a good investment to you since they were defective and what use could I possible have to that many vacuum cleaners, but I had a plan. I spent a good part of the year going door to door, concentrating mostly on elderly shut-ins with some form of stupidity or another. And I was all dressed up in a Brooks Brothers suit and a Walmart tie as I rang the door bell and offered them a deal. These vacuum cleaners, which usually retail for $700 each I would sell to them for half the price. And all I needed to do was make one sale to more than triple my original investment, but I sold 600 of them (so far) and I am making so much money it almost makes me sick, but this is how we make America great again, by taking advantage of the opportunities for profit that are all around us! And I have heard about a retirement community down on the Maryland shore where I am certain I can sell at least another 500 before Christmas. This is also part of my efforts to keep the Christ in Christmas.
My point being (when I have a point) is that the money I made from that business operation is helping to fund my new effort to market Lord of the Rings action figures.
Now you might not know anything about the Lord of the Rings, but this was an old book series from god damn nearly a century ago that had all kinds of wizards and deer in it. Very exciting stuff for us older book buffs, but largely forgotten in the modern era when all anyone wants to see is creeps jumping around in tights. But I think I can make this old book series popular again by talking about making action figures (posable dolls) based on the series. I already have preliminary sketches for some of the characters done such as Basil the Deer, Horace the Deer, and Jim the Wizard. If you find the book series in a library or old book store you might want to tell me who your favorite characters are. I was considering making one for Goldie the Ring, but I'm not sure what she looks like.
Now I don't know if you have an erection after reading this or not, but yes it is true, I do want to introduce young people to works of forgotten literature like The Lord of the Rings and its sequel Seven the Hard Way. And how do I, Berhardt Goates, famous columnist from everything2.com, reach the younger generations to teach them about these classic books? By recruiting dope pushers and criminals from the inner city to talk them into it via the magic of action figures (posable dolls). And how do I convince these dope pushers to sell my product to kids? By talking their language and being "hip to the scene."
We'll get back to that but I want to tell you about other important stuff first.
Section Four: I Love Walls
There are three sections of walls in my home in Old Baltimore that contain the bodies of friends I murdered and then carefully concealed inside of those walls. This fills me with a sense of wonder and glee each time I walk past them and touch them, almost like when I was in post-war Germany and this incredibly beautiful blonde woman showed me her perfect milky white, round and firm breasts and then asked me for money. This is how all women should be.
My favorite wall of all is of course The Berlin Wall which I grew up next to (as a Behr child). It was destroyed by the willful acts of vandals and neer-do-wellers. To me The Berlin Wall represented freedom, democracy and profit. I know I am not the only patriot to have made love to The Berlin Wall, but I am one of a very select few who have actually lost their virginity to it. I humped that wall to the point of exhaustion on many long nights in post-war Germany.
I hope to be the very first man to make love to the new wall between America and Mexico. I really do.
Section Five: What Have Chopper and The Slow Kid Been Up to Lately?
I am glad that you asked. Chopper is doing a stint in prison for alleged voter intimidation in Pennsylvania and The Slow Kid has been drinking a lot of bourbon.
Section Six: The Bro Job
I know the news media and people everywhere are rejoicing now that an American has taken back the presidency of the US of A. So, I won't bore you with any more details of what President Trump will do to Make America Great Again, because I know it will be really big. It will be tremendous. It will be really, really great for everyone.
Which brings me back to what I was talking about earlier in this important (possibly Pulitzer Prize winning) column. I was going to recruit out of work inner city men to do the marketing for my Lord of the Rings action figures (posable dolls). So I got my 1973 Pontiac detailed and put some customized bits on it, put on my Brooks Brothers suit, my Walmart tie, and got my Walkman strapped on and drove down into the dangerous inner city of Baltimore.
Once I was there I would pull up to a man, usually one just standing by himself or with a buddy on a corner and wave to him. He would come over to my car and I would lean out the window after slipping my Ray Bans on and I would whisper quietly (as if telling a secret bit of information) to him "I would like to give you a bro job." I knew that using street language like "Bro" combined with a term like "job," which is universally hated by these types of people, would help me find an "in." Then I would offer a big, warm smile and reach over and pat the passenger seat next to me and say "I am willing to pay you top dollar."
As expected many of these men would give me a confused or disgusted look (these types of people don't like to work and are probably destined for the work camps, or "Trump Camps" as they will likely be called) but I wanted to give them an opportunity out of the goodness of my heart. Some of them even laughed, shook their heads, and went back to their stoop-sitting buddies and laughed, sometimes in my direction. But I have worked in sales for a long time and I have done millions of cold calls, so I am not easily put off by this kind of thing. In fact, I rather expect it most of the time, but if a hundred rejections yield a single sale, then the effort is surely worth it.
I drove around the inner city for three days, pulling up to men on the street and making the same offer, always keeping a smile on my face and a positive tone of voice. "Say, big feller, how about letting me give you a bro job?"
It was late on the first day that I got my first positive response. Once young feller who had apparently been taken to one of Obama's Death Panels (on account of how many needle marks he had in his arms) said "Sure thing, old man" after I told him that he would be well compensated. He got into the passenger seat of my car and started to take off his pants, which I am sure is great for comfort, but really isn't appropriate for a business meeting. Then I pulled out the sketches of Basil the Deer and Horace the Deer and Jim the Wizard and showed them to him. He looked puzzled and then asked me if I had any "dope." I asked what he meant and he said "You know, drugs," and so I pulled out the bottle of high blood pressure medicine I had gotten at one of the Death Panels and handed it to him.
In the end, it didn't work out, but I was undaunted. Sales is a tough business and not everyone is cut out for it. I had to go back through my usual channels and rehired the two lesbians who worked with me at Civil War Action Figures, LLC, and put them to work making cold calls on behalf of Lord of the Rings Action Figures, LLC.
They are lesbians but don't do it with each other in case you are curious.