Over the weekend I went on a press junket to Iowa with people from my job as a fully tenured professor of ethics at a private university. We were going to see a new theme park which was brought to you by the same people who brought you Noah's Ark Legion of Champions and Gilden Children Adult Dolls.

The first thing that happened to me on this press junket (other than getting on the bus) was that a lady sat next to me who was not in the employ of the private university (although I later turned out to be mistaken about that because she was from the kitchen). She was elderly, smelled like a horse, and wore those thick gray nylons that old ladies wear. I didn't want to have anything to do with her so I ignored her for the rest of the bus ride to Iowa.

Mostly I was excited because The Wonderful World of Abe Lincoln tells the true history of America and not the "diversified" liberal history we are forced to learn in class (even though it is false and contains science). Science is something that should not concern you because of the vast number of falsehoods contained in science. It is better to learn from a guy who also makes dolls for adults to play with.

The lady started doing cross-stitch, which was soothing because my mother and me maw maw both would cross-stitch the soldiers together during the Great Patriotic War in Germany when I was a toddler during the 1930s and 1940s. That was a time when being able to cross-stitch was worth something. What this lady was doing was worthless. No one was going to wear the stupid hat she was making (or whatever it was). So I was angry for the rest of the bus ride about these affairs.

I also was supposed to be rehearsing my speech for the annual conference of fully tenured ethics professors in July, which is entitled "Could we all have a friend like Lieutenant Bogomil?" I had to do this in my head because rehearsing it out loud was annoying too many people and I couldn't kill them all later. It would be hard to cover up. So, I started rehearsing in my head the details of the speech, some of which I will share here in a text below:

Oh, could we all have a friend like Lieutenant Bogomil was to Eddie Murphy's character in Beverly Hills Cop (and the sequels)? Is it possible in our day and age to have such a friend as this? Their relationship set the tone for male friendships in the 1980s and it stays with us today. Could we create a genetic soup and make a Lieutenant Bogomil in there? In a soup? A soup made up of genetic material? Would it be ethical? Are we capable of deciding? Are there other ways?

You know, you could find a friend like Lieutenant Bogomil down at the bar, at the mall, or even at the next urinal over from you at the ball game. Lean over, ask him a few questions and quote some notable lines from the film Beverly Hills Cop. This will draw his attention...

So that is some of the text. I won't bore you with more of it because this sort of material only appeals to fully tenured ethics professor and not the layman. There are better ways to explain it to the layman without so much technical talk.

Continuing on the bus, we arrive in Iowa at the Holiday Inn we'll be staying at for the night. In the morning we will go to The Wonderful World of Abe Lincoln. It will be enjoyable for all.

There was a problem that brought my immediate attention and consternation. They had put some man in my room with me who I recognized as a janitor from the private university I am a fully tenured ethics professor at. They were asking me to room with the lower classes? I couldn't believe this. It had to be a mistake. My private university rejects all attempts at diversity. They are very super conservative and have been known to crucify students who rebel, act out, or try to lead movements that encourage caring about others. I went to the office and asked where the Dean of Professors was staying and was directed to a tent in the parking lot. I wasn't sure why he was staying in what was essentially a child's pup tent but I went to it anyway.

There was no way to knock on the tent and I couldn't tell if he was tossing and turning in his sleep or if he was masturbating, so I hovered mercilessly over the tent until my shadow drove him bonkers enough to open the tent flap and address me. I told him about my concern, and he told me that the roommates were chosen in a lottery. In a huff I walked to the office and paid for my own room (the shared room was covered by the budget for the press junket). I have millions of dollars in equity. I can afford it even if you cannot. There was just no way in hell I was staying with a member of the lower classes. It is beneath my dignity.

In the morning we went to The Wonderful World of Abe Lincoln. I was immediately breathtaken by the sight of the giant archway, representing the bridge that Abe Lincoln had built to end hostilities between the Americans and the French in 1657. It was so real I had to touch it (confirming that it was real although I'm not sure it was the same one built outside of Lincoln, Nebraska in the 1860s).

I had to get something to eat and I was horny as hell, so I went to a booth where they sold corn dogs, which were invented by Abe Lincoln in his later years. It was thematic in many ways. After that it was off to see a movie about how Abe Lincoln learned to walk on stilts. It all made sense to me except for one part which had to do with Abe Lincoln standing in a neighbor's kitchen looking bewildered as the neighbor repeatedly said, "This plate is covered with solvents." I didn't get the point but may have missed it.

After the film I was still horny as hell but there was no reasonable way to take care of that. There was no privacy at the theme park. Even the bathrooms were communal pits you just pissed and shit into while everyone else watched and laughed at you. This was true to Abe Lincoln's time when this was the norm and hopefully could be again if we make America great again. However something will have to be done about men's daily masturbatory needs which I will approach Congress about next week.

The next attraction was a rollar coaster called The Blade of Iron in which we see Abe Lincoln wield the first ever iron bladed sword in defeating The Dragon of Marchand Place, which is attacking America (like terrorists do now). The roller coaster swoops and turns through the scene as a giant Abe Lincoln (who was apparently able to become larger if he wanted to) fights the dragon and saves America once again.

We got on a tram where the lady from the bus insisted on sitting next to me again and ruining much of my experience, although I did convince her to give me a hand job during the darker parts of the tram ride through Biological Mountain, where we see the nasty results of science being allowed to continue to control our world in lieu of returning to God. Young girls are tortured, set on fire, and sexually degraded by scientists trying to prove a theory. It really puts things in the right perspective.

You can learn a lot at The Wonderful World of Abe Lincoln, and I have only covered some of the attractions here. I recommend you go sometime (bring a liberal friend so his eyes can be opened) and have a true educational experience for a change.

Thank you. This is for the quest.

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