Like I was saying in the Chatterbox last night, I tend to gravitate back to E2 whenever my life goes sideways. So here I am.
This time it's another major breakup. I was supposed to get married this October. My ex-fiance broke up with me for several reasons, the main one being his family hates me and I don't much care for them either. I could have dealt with it had he actually stood up for me, like a significant other is supposed to, but he didn't. He wouldn't set boundaries because he thought it would be disrespectful. I think he was also afraid of the backlash. His folks weren't very pleasant when they didn't get their way.
That said, I was far from perfect myself. I was reminded of it regularly. I got to hear about how so-and-so thinks this about me, and so-and-so thinks that about me. I should stop trying to write for a living and apply for a government job. I don't make enough money to go on vacation. How am I going to help pay for a house? I spend too much time at home, and I think too much. I'm not talkative enough with his siblings. Even though I know the mean things they say about me behind my back, I should pretend like I don't know about it and act friendly, cheerful, and outgoing around them. Yes, even when I'm in the middle of a depressive slump, I should still act in a way that does not embarrass my fiance. It doesn't matter if I'm ok. It only matters that I look ok.
Since the breakup, I've been opening up to more people and sharing stories I had kept secret. The general reaction is shock. Apparently, he was manipulative and controlling with me. I can see that now. When we were together, I saw it in his family and the way they treated him, but I couldn't see it in him. I wanted to believe he was different. To a certain extent, I think he is different. I believe he's on the edge of realization. Some part of him isn't ready, though, and that's why he and his family accuse all their in-laws of being controlling without any concrete proof. Anything he said or did that they didn't like was automatically blamed on me, and nobody tried to find out if it was actually true or not. Fuck that bullshit.
I've moved back in with my parents. My "career" is at a standstill. I was about to put together my own professional website right before this happened. I don't want to be a contract copywriter or copy editor anymore. I'm ready to take on clients directly. The logistics of moving four hours away, looking for a new doctor, updating the address on my driver's license, changing my phone number (which I still need to do), unpacking, forcing myself to eat every day, trying to avoid excessive drinking, trying to avoid crying, trying to feel normal again — all these things make me feel overwhelmed. Where will I move next? There's not much affordable housing in this town. I should re-focus on my career goals, but my head is a mess. Shouldn't I be back to normal by now? The living room is full of scrunched up newspaper, a result of my half-hearted attempt to re-package my dishes for the storage unit. For the first time in my life, I have a storage unit. I slept until 1 p.m. today. I feel like a loser.
All I can do is focus on the positive. I just made myself another cup of coffee. My cat is curled up in a patch of sunlight on the floor. My brother lives just down the street, and his problems make mine seem tame in comparison; at least I don't have step-kids who yell rude things at me. I'm supposed to meet up with some old friends tomorrow night. I'm going to make raspberry chocolate chip blondies today and then shove them at whoever will eat them. I might join the local triathlon club and sign up for the bike-swim event coming up in June. I need to schedule a haircut. No, I won't do anything drastic, or at least not to my hair. I plan to lose the 30 lbs I've put on since meeting my ex. At some point, I'll focus on my career again. I don't quite believe in myself right now. I should start planting seeds soon. Tomatoes, ground cherries, strawberries. I need to figure out where I should plant the peas. I'm fortunate that my father is letting me plant some things in the back. I would go crazy without gardening.
The days are getting longer. The snow is starting to melt. It doesn't quite feel like spring, but it's here.