display | more...
Server at a soda fountain or ice cream shop. The name derives not from the attitude of teenage staff who might work there, but is a short form of soda jerker, simply an explanation of the job. In the 19th century, dispensing carbonated water required back-and-forth jerking motion on the dispenser levers to control the spray.

Short-order code probably originated with soda jerks, not short-order cooks, according to Harold W. Bentley's 1935 article "Linguistic Concoctions of the Soda Jerker" in American Speech.

The term "soda jerk" was originally used to describe something that I've always wanted to attempt in a modern setting. What one did was take a fully grown man, and by any means possible force him up into the can slot of a soda machine. You may think this is not possible, but that is what the false science of science tells you. This is not true. It is false because science is false. We can make this happen because of the logical error made by science (false) in originally assessing this. As further proof, know that doing this to local weirdos and nerds was extremely popular prior to World War II.

How is this possible? It is possible by non-scientific methods that are utterly dismissive of the false practice of "mathematics." I will explain further now. You will listen. You are my lap dog.

You begin by identifying a potential soda jerk. The things you want to look for in a potential soda jerk are (a) Eyeglasses, (b) Pasty Faced, (c) Adult acne, (d) Tattoos of a non-military nature, (e) Piercings other than a modest single post in the earlobe. You get a group of buddies together and you plan to grab them at some point when they are vulnerable and hit them as hard as you possibly can in the head with a tire iron. Really lay into him hard, don't hold back. Release a primal scream if necessary, and then let your buddies have a turn to thank them for their hard work.

Once you have your soda jerk subdued, bring him into a basement or isolated abandoned factory. Show them the tumors on their head from the hitting with the tire iron and then pop those tumors while they scream. They are now at your mercy and you are ready to proceed. I love dragging my fingers through the mess and laughing while I lick my fingers, but that is a personal choice thing and is not necessary to get him up inside the soda slot. Then you bring him to a soda machine.

Bind his arms and legs together after stripping him naked. Remove his genitals and both hands and both feet. Show them the parts before unceremoniously throwing them into a garbage bin (pond). Show him a video of his mother having sex with Fidel Castro and reduce him to tears. Then you want to grease him up with extreme amounts of thick, rancid lard. Grease the bitch up, he's going home.

Some of you may have "qualms" about this, due to human rights issues, but we are talking about people who wear glasses and have tattoos here. They gave up their right to share the planet with the rest of us a LONG time ago. Am I right? You know I am. I will allow no disagreement on this point because it would be disloyal to me and you are supposed to be my friend. When you are my friend, you serve me, i.e. lap dog. I know you understand this, but sometimes I have to remind you because you may have been exposed to the liberal media during the day and as a result forgotten because they made you think about cotton candy and throwing vegetables at people and forget all about what is really important.

Depending on how many buddies you are working with, you will want to grab the filthy sack of shit in the firmest way possible. Alone this can be a challenge unless you are physically fit. I like doing this with "butt buddies," i.e. guys who work on home improvement projects with me without pants on so we can playfully make our buttocks touch when we step back to admire the two by four they just painted red. They aren't afraid to get into close quarters with you, and sometimes, when the soda machine is off in a corner, you have to get into very close quarters with your buddies. Sometimes you need to grease each other as well, especially if the soda machine is pushed back behind a firewall or other obstructions are present.

If you do it alone, grab the man with a big meaty handful of his hip and thigh in your right hand. If you let your fingernails grow and then sharpen them, you can dig them into the idiot's flesh and get a better grip on him. Sometimes they yell a lot at that point, but this is why you keep the tire iron handy. Don't be afraid to use it liberally. Laugh so the geek knows you are just joking around. You then want to put your other hand on his hip and then guide him towards a slanty angle against the soda machine and near the can slot. Don't let go. It is at this point most of these complete human waste products try to get away. You'll need to save your energy for what is yet to come. Don't worry about the soda jerk. He's got a very short life expectancy at this point and that is something we need to all accept at face value.

If you have one buddy, both can grab the meaty portion of the thigh and hip and really dig in hard. Then, when he begins to kick furiously and squirm, you can each use your free hand to push his head up against the can slot. At this point I like to deliver a clever one-liner like, "Soda up!" or "Drinks over at the house!" It lightens the mood and reminds the soda jerk we're just kidding around.

If the jerk has a large nose, you may need to remove it. Some use a Bowie knife and just slice it clean off. I like to use a meat hook and rip it off so he can really feel it. Your tastes may vary, go with what feels right to you.

A second friend comes in handy at this point. You are going to have to push and crush the jerk's head to get it past the first lip of the soda slot. Remind him he's your bitch if he tries to pull away and slam his head into the metal part of the soda machine really hard and then loudly yell, "Understand?" This helps settle the jerk down.

The human head is hard but can be softened by strong hands and a great deal of loosening up. You want to push the top of the head as far past the lip of the soda slot as you can. To do this, don't back off until you hear it snap into place inside the slot. Otherwise you'll have the whole head back out and have to start over. It is also a good idea to shave the head, but do it roughly, and leave a lot of scars. You want him to remember the fun he had on this night.

Adjust your position for more leverage and then from below, push the body upwards so that the rest of the head is forced by momentum into the slot. Once you can see nothing but the neck and his screams and cries are barely audible, get up on top of him like a center over the ball in the game of American football. You will have to twist the neck from side to side, with as much force as possible, more if there is resistance, until you can angle one of the shoulders into the slot and past the lip. Dislocate it if necessary. Only after an impasse do you want to resort to taking off the whole arm including the shoulder. It is fine if you have to, especially if the arm or shoulder had a tattoo on it. You're just cutting off diseased meat at that point. I like to bleed the jerk until he's weak as a kitten, but that's because I've gotten older and less patient. I like them docile now, but I used to appreciate the struggle.

Push the other shoulder in the same way and then move your hands down to the jerk's hips. If you have two friends, have them force the arms up tightly against the torso and then begin pushing upwards. If properly greased, you should be able to get the body up inside the machine up to the waist after about an hour of constant pushing and twisting. The hips are the biggest problem now.

Dislocating a person's hips isn't normally easy, but in this position, it may just involve stomping down on the small of his back while he is up inside the machine to the waist. This makes it easier to twist him up inside past the hips, but if you want to do it the old-fashioned way, do what you did with the shoulders and work one at a time up inside the machine.

Once you've gotten him inside past the hips, the rest is a matter of angular motion and positioning. You already have the bulk of the body inside the machine and his legs and danging out. The only way to get the legs in is to tilt the machine backwards at a slanted angle so that you have a better angle to work the legs in. Once you have him up in there up to the stumps, you can return the machine back to its regular position and slip away.

Believe me, it is absolutely hilarious when someone comes to buy a soda a couple hours later, puts in their money and nothing comes out. Then they reach up inside the slot to see if the can got stuck and they feel the exposed stubs instead. The soda jerk cannot avoid laughing due to the tickling and everyone has a good time.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.