i wanted to wake up and love that the sun could shine like that, to stare into the snow and let it fill me because the white is so much better than what i found in my head
. i wanted to wake up and tell you that i was okay and to really mean that i did
. i couldn't write here, for a while, everything hurt
, and this white box, the one i am typing into right now, it was too empty, too small, and it scared me.
maybe if i could care less that you all exist, and if i could feel less than i do, it wouldn't matter that some of you are just mean spirited. i do care, though, and i do feel, too much sometimes. i don't need meaningless things
and i don't need to always feel that everyone, or at least, most people, like what i write.. but i would like to feel welcome here, always. it does mean a lot to me. a lot of you mean a lot to me, and perhaps it is a bit peculiar that i've only known most of you through text but this is my head
, here, this is one giant collective head. there are heads here that don't even know they are here
there has been little sleep lately, and waking into horrible darkness and such intensity in a too small space
that it took much just to hold on at all, sometimes. i don't even like to talk about it so much just yet, i don't know how far away i am from it.
tonight, the stars are too bright and too clear
and the universe is swirling too fast and too slow. tonight, i love that i am here. it seems more necessary than i can express to say that, to let it slide out of my head and fall into words, that i am most pleased to exist.. i only wish that everything wasn't so harsh out here
, after being inside such darkness for far too long.