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Your face looks like a deformed baboon's ass.

No, seriously, I think they make a cream for that.

Alright, for serious this time. E2 is missing a valuable writeup here about the appropriate function of your face.

Like being the poster child for a fireworks safety campaign.

While not strictly for use as an explicit insult, your face sure qualifies as one. It should be an addendum to The Art of Insulting that is so richly detailed on e2. However, the primary function of "your face" is an interjection into normal conversation. When wisely used, your face can be used to discourage, destabilize or completely derail particular conversations.

1. Picking Your Quarry

First and foremost, you need someone to use this against. Most of the time, the victim will present themself. Especially in the case of annoying acquaintances, coworkers, evangelists, family members, etc. If you're really hard up for a fix you can consider approaching people on the street. If your quarry looks like they are a card carrying member of Gold's Gym you may want to brush up on how to fight and not get your ass kicked.

2. The Setup

To get the best reaction, you need to catch the bastard off guard. Thanks to American society, this is pretty easy. People tend to greet each other with useless formalities that nobody pays attention to. For instance, if you were met on the street by some annoying bastard from work, he may greet you with a "How are you?". Since nobody in America gives a shit how you're actually doing, they aren't really listening to your answer.

While this is a beautiful setup for some serious insults, you may not always get such a clear window. The only other victim-initiated windows are going to be little qualifiers like "Hey, you know what I heard?" or "Guess what!" or something similar. Again, the victim is not actually listening to your response, they are just looking for a mechanism to move the conversation along.

3. The Delivery

Here we go! Now that you have a brief moment to get a word in, the defenses are down! The best delivery for those affirmative or noncommittal responses is a broad smile, friendly body language and a cheery "Your face!". If you were posed a question that requires more than a one word answer, you could go for a change up with a thoughtfully drawn out "Yeah--your face." for a response. I'll leave further variants at your discretion but the critical aspect at this point is to respond in a manner appropriate to the question. At this point, don't get ugly with your face.

It probably couldn't take any more.

4. The Follow-up

Decision time. The victim is stunned--down but not out. Do you just walk away, happy with the fact that you won't get invited to the bastards next barbecue? Or, if you're the brawniest motherfucker you've ever met, do you press home the attack and go for blood?

  • Leave them stunned, go celebrate at your own barbecue.
    Always a good option when you have the choice to leave and something better to do than talk to morons, such as picking your nose. Hopefully, if you met the moron in passing, you can get out a quick "your face" without even breaking stride. Just continue on to your destination. If you were stopped, turn smartly and walk away.

    Sometimes those bastards will try to take a quick verbal jab at you even though you've obviously proved your superiority. If they point out some trivial bullshit about how what you said doesn't make sense, just call out over your shoulder "Like your face!" to reassert your superiority.

  • Press the attack! aka THIS IS SPARTA!
    Now the claws come out. Maybe this dickhead pissed you off recently--stepped on your new shoes or looked at you funny. Maybe he pissed you off in a previous life. Shit, it doesn't matter, it's time for payback.

    While your face is enough to make a child cry, you're going to have pull out some bigger insults to make the random passerby breakdown into tears. Again, remember that the normal reaction is just going to be a look of shock from your victim. This is the opening that you will wrench open with the iron bar of derision. The following comebacks are listed in order of increasing aggression.

    • "Your face."
      As explained before, sometimes a person will inform you that they perceived something you expressed as stupid. By repeating "your face" to your victim, you can reassert your control of the situation. The added bonus is that there is no comeback for this. Not even Forrest Gump would engage the counter-argument "My face is not stupid!".

    • "Your mother."
      A timeless classic. Your mother has been used by everyone in the world. A step up from addressing your victim's ugly or stupid face, you attack the ugly or stupid bitch that's responsible for it! Bonus points for saying this to a biker with "I love Mom" tattooed on his arm. Please note that extensions of a basic "Your mother." are considered a higher order of aggression, illustrated below.

    • Grab bag!
      This is where you have to assess the situation and attack in the most effective manner. I still recommend that you draw from a plethora of generic one liners because you'll want to overwhelm the opponent, not excise sweet, tactical revenge. Of course you should play up on whatever seems to be a sore spot for the victim. It's best to have some fire and forget one liners, but also keep a stash of insults that can be tagged on to other sentences or serve as quips for common questions.

      Personal favorites include:
      • "Are you stupid too, or just ugly?"
      • "... and/because your mother dresses you funny!"
      • "Sorry, I can't hear it when girls talk."
      • "My God son, were you held down in the Ugly Well as a child?"
      • "We used to fuck people like you in prison."
      • "... or should I translate that into Dumbass?"
      • "...and you're ugly, so you've got real problems!"
      • "That's what your mother said last night."
      • "You were the load that your mother should have swallowed."
      • For a complete list of extended "Your mother" insults, consult any transcript of Celebrity Jeopardy involving Sean Connery.
      • et cetera

      I called these "The Enders" because once one of these has been issued during discourse, the only appropriate response is physical violence. Of course, sometimes someone will piss you off so bad (giving you sloppy head, pulling you over for speeding, etc) that you instantly jump to this category.

      • For anyone that has ever corrected or reprimanded you:
        "Now look here thunder-cunt, I don't show up in the alley and slap the dick out of your mouth and tell you how to do your job, so just piss off."

      Come to think of it, that's the only one you need. Ever.

There you have it. Whether you need some smoke screen for your escape or you need to crush someone's spirit, this writeup has you covered. Never forget the punishment your face can dish out.

Because, my God, it hurts me to look at it.

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