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Things that made me
*smile* today (in no particular order): managing to install and set up
openBSD on my
dinky secondary computer despite having no clue what I was doing; the peaceful, relaxing
breeze that made band practice a
gajillion times more enjoyable; remembering to call sister #2 for her birthday despite having forgotten sister #1 three days previous; having no classes tommorrow; talking to good friends on IM.
I'm deeply affected by the way people act towards me. I have an ongoing debate with myself whether this is just because I care a lot about my friends, because I have a lot of
empathy, or becuase I just have so little self esteem that the way people act towards me can greatly influence my mood. When people smile at me, give me a
friendly touch on the shoulder, compliment me, or even exchange a
backrub, it can put me in an incredible mood for the rest of the day. Something about any of those exchanges between people is almost blissful for me. It makes me feel more alive, more like an individual, like I'm cared about.
I wish I could give some of that feeling back. I have friends who just being around them gives me a sense of peace inside. Whatever troubles I have are OK. Whatever problems I have don't matter. Whatever is worrying me can be talked about. I can just be, and it doesn't matter. These people can
smile at me and my day can be brightened immediately. I wish I could give that back.
It's not that I mean this in any sort of
romantic sense, or that this is something that I feel only about people I have some sort of
crush on, but more for any of my exceptionally close friends who I care about. I've seemed to have picked up a lot more of these friends since highschool. Maybe highschool isn't the place for a lot of close friendships. Not that I didn't have any, but I think I have more now.
*smile*
What can I give to these people whose very presence lifts whatever
burden my life holds? I don't believe myself to be a negative
influence in these people's lives, but I wish I could be the same sort of positive influence that they have on me, naturally. At best now, all I can give back is some
reciprocal kindness, definitely motivated by caring and not by
obligation, but even that seems empty compared to the joy that the mere
presence of these people bring to me. If I could be anything in life, that would probably be it. Just to be that kind of person to the people around me. To be somebody who makes other people feel peaceful, and happy, and just by being there make their lives easier as well.