I don't even know why I come here. I don't get much from it anymore.
I still dream about her every damn night. It seems like I'm a split second away from losing it every day all day. My dreams aren't good ones. Like last night. I had a beautiful girl offering nothing but a good time, and she comes over, jealous and trying to hide it. She looked thin, sickly, and I knew it yet I couldn't resist her. It was just a dream, yet it's message is only too obvious.
I hate being alone. And what's worse is now that I am a Sergeant it only gets more lonely, more hard. One of the Staff Sergeants in my platoon told me that, he was right. Death is all around me, seems like my life revolves around it. Last night I got drunk and instant messaged her this long explanation about how I'm just a machine and I am just living to die, and how she made me feel alive. I can barely hold back now. When I'm not drinking, soldiering, or crying I am wondering how and when I will die. I have begged a god I don't believe in to come and take me away so I can be at peace for once. I'm not making an outcry, I just need someone to tell this shit to, and I don't have anyone.