I think allergy medicines are trying to kill me. Not only do they make me depressed while I'm taking them, but I think they've caused some serious personality changes. Ever since the first time I took them, last November, and the idea of suicide popped into my head, I can't get it out again. I have no problems in my life that are severe enough to merit me being this depressed all the time, but somehow I am. I made the huge mistake of trying Claritin again for like, three days about two weeks ago. It was expired, so it didn't help my allergies, but as usual, it caused me to freak out. Since then, I have felt miserable, exhausted, and apetite-less. My stomach and my heart and my head all feel empty, and I need something to fill it. I don't know what.
I can't even pin down exactly what the problem is, emotionally, so no matter what I do to feel better I feel like I'm treating symptoms, not causes. There's just this huge pack of problems that I don't know what to do about. While the problems aren't all my fault, I feel like there's one central issue in myself that I need to solve to learn to deal with any of this. I don't know whether I need to do even more soul-searching to figure out what it is, or whether I need to think less and just let it flow.
Boyfriend and I have been getting in horrendous arguments recently, and I usually instigate it. I don't know why. Maybe it's related to the thing I'm missing. He told me about some drug experimentation he was planning on, and I expressed concern, and he asked me why I treated him like a baby. I said some extremely spiteful things just to piss him off. I don't think I know how to have a healthy relationship. I provoke him on purpose, but he's my best friend and I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. While my general sardonic bitchiness is part of my charm, this goes too far, so I am working on being less antagonistic. I don't have much motivation lately.
School is starting tomorrow. Senior year. I am not speaking to anyone that I don't want to. In a year, I'll be in a new place with new people so I see no reason to remain polite to people who annoy the crap out of me. I'm planning on pretending that I spontaneously became extremely snotty over the summer. This group that I am ignoring includes my exboyfriend, who thinks he knows me better than I know myself and has spent the last two years trying to guilt me into going out with him again. This guilt is what caused all my bad feelings in the first place. He deserves some serious violence.
Plus, two of my close friends have tried to commit suicide recently. One of them, who is bipolar, is to me an older sister. I always come to her for the kind of advice that you'd ask an older sister; sex tips, shaving methods, ego boosts when you really need them. The other one, who I think of as a younger sister, belongs to a family that doesn't care for her psychological wellbeing and doesn't do anything to help her. She is so bright and beautiful and opinionated and silly that it kills me that she's so sad and messed up. And my best friend, who has never been psychologically well, had a panic attack this morning and I want to help. But I can't, there's nothing I can do.
I am daylogging this because if I don't share it, I'll explode. My extra-bouncy playlist hasn't cheered me up. Nor has a ridiculously long shower. Hopefully seeing Boyfriend tomorrow will cheer me up a little. And school will give me less time to wallow in worry and misery. I feel very silly for being this upset about silly things. I mean, I know the suicide of friends isn't silly. But everything else is. My life, to all outward appearances, is perfectly amazing, but I can barely drag myself around. I've got my dream job at sixteen years old, I get good grades, I have a perfect boyfriend and extremely loyal friends, and I'm still miserable. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need saner friends. This entire writeup is disjointed. Oh well. Screw good writing. I'm sad.