While it is not okay to judge somebody for who they are, it is okay to judge somebody by what they do. So when your favorite uncle tells you that it is okay to molest children and uses his two grown up daughters as examples of women who came out of molestation just fine, while snorting coke in his pornography studio located in a South African diamond mine supported by child laborers who carry him around on a throne made out of AK-47s and human skulls, it’s time to make a judgment call.
The judgment call I will make is that this is a really bad movie. Maybe a classic in years to come, but right now it is the most ossiferous pile I have ever watched and I sat through Goth and Plan Nine from Outer Whatever.
Now, the acting isn’t that bad. The plot is sort of tepid and the directing is a no show. But it is almost insanely banal. Granted, I’m not sure I expected anything else from something with “American Pie Presents” in the title, but this movie would even disgust my African enslaving psychotic uncle. Now, I know that this movie is supposed to be set up like a typical teenage humor “look I fucked a pie” type movies, but come on:
Boyfriend Two: Tits are great!
Boyfriend Three: Tits rock!
These are actual lines from the movie. No shit. But it gets worse, the boys being those clever rascals that they are feed a truck driver laxative before welding him into his own truck. This is preceded by a fifteen minute long (I didn't time it, but it certainly feels that long) montage showing the poor man eating chili bowl after chili bowl. I’ll leave it up to YOUR imagination whether or not the movie actually shows what happens next or just shows the boys giggling as a full orchestra comprised entirely of tubas fills the soundtrack.
This is supposed to, I suppose, make the boys non-sympathetic characters so that they can get killed by the titular tits without us feeling too sorry for them, but since little time is spent on character development this seems like an unnecessary step. That the “Her” of the title who is what I guess passes for a protagonist in this movie, is more confused than concerned that her new boyfriends keep dropping like flies says something else about this film but I’m not sure what other than an incoherent torrent of fart noise from aforementioned truck driver.
The girl, whose character’s name I’ve forgotten (not like any of the characters need names, they’re all under developed typecasted actors anyway), could be described as “slutty” but I’m not really sure the directors really wanted her to appear that way. She plays innocent and sweet, but I can’t really wrap my mind around a girl who keeps going out with guy after guy even though everyone she dates ends up dead.
Okay, so there is a plot. Maybe I should get that out of the way before my own confusion takes me away from what’s important.
And what is important is that the plot isn’t important.
We start off where we left in Something is Alive in Her Bosom. The young adopted daughter of Ladd’s character has just undergone breast enhancement surgery at Doctor Titts office (yes, that is his name). “But what if the boys don’t like my new bust!” she cries as the Doctor unwraps the bandages around her chest and the camera rotates around her exposed breasts. “The boys will like! The boys will like!” the doctor says cackling. Meanwhile the mother waits in the shadows, smirking.
After this there is some vain effort of the movie to create a Snow White type story except instead of killing the daughter the stepmother wants to kill the Prince, at which point the movie kills off all of the boyfriends and ends with a cliffhanger where the nice boy, or in this case “the boy who isn’t any nicer but looks the most like Adam Sandler” is about to kiss the girl. Cut to a shot of the girl’s breasts where something jiggles ominously. Or perhaps suggestively.
I often wonder why movies, books, television shows, and videogames like to put things like “In the Style of Ray Bradbury“, “American McGee Presents“, “Aaron Carter Approved” but when these titles do appear with the… label, they’re often really bad or really mediocre*. This is one of the many examples of such marketing. I get the feeling that the movie had nothing to do with American Pie, but the producers thought the movie wouldn’t sell if they didn’t pay for the logo. And so there it is, big and bold on the box. It’s not a sequel to American Pie, and it isn’t remotely related, but I guess I shouldn’t be that harsh. After all, American Pie the movie bares very little resemblance to American Pie the book.
Directed by: Patrick Bauchau
Staring:
Cheryl Ladd as The Mother
Brian Thompson as Boyfriend One
Randy Puma as Boyfriend Four
Mark Wahlheim as Boyfriend Seven
Patrick Bauchau as Doctor Titts
Sammo Hung as the Chili Trucker (chosen for the role because he “Wasn’t afraid to do his own stunts.”)
Many others who I can’t find on IMDB because they’re uncredited.
Oh, yeah and the sequel, American Pie Presents: Something is Alive in Her Bosom 3 is expected to come out December of 2012. Straight to video.
*As the TheDeadGuy notes: "Let us not forget that the first movie didn't have the 'American Pie Presents' label. It was just 'Something is Alive in Her Bosom' and it flopped."
On another note, I hade to watch this movie twice for this review. Tomorrow I am embarking on a quest to destroy all copies of this film I can find. I always wanted a life goal and this is it.