For some reason I felt like coming here tonight. Maybe it's because I've been feeling more put together lately, and I first came to E2 when I felt I'd fallen apart. It doesn't seem right to just leave my username hanging without an explanation of what has happened.
I've been going through a rough patch. That may be evident in some of my writings, many of which are struggling towards authenticity. I haven't re-read them, nor do I want to, but it's reassuring to have them as proof of my progress. I don't think I ever explained my actual problems. How do I describe life with depression without being depressing? I wish I could bring good news, like how I got this fantastic new job, or am buying a house, or have a new boyfriend. It seems that's the sort of news that is expected of me whenever I visit family or see old friends. I don't know how to explain to them that my progress is internal, not external. I don't explain this to anyone. Partly it's because I fear their judgement, partly it's because I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why I am the way I am unless I feel like it.
It has been difficult to acknowledge that my upbringing wasn't normal. It's like in the book Among Others by Jo Walton, where a girl struggling with grief can't talk about it. I don't have a dead twin sister, nor do I have a mother who plays with witchcraft, nor do I see fairies flying around. However, I felt a connection to the main character. She didn't talk much about what had happened with her, even though it affected her deeply. It was strongly implied that her mother was mentally ill and took things out on her daughter, but nobody in her family spoke about it. On top of that she had a family member who denied that anything was wrong.
Through therapy, I have learned that my mother probably has an undiagnosed mental illness. I would have never thought of that on my own. Enough people have suggested it, including my own therapist, that I now believe it. She took things out on me and still sometimes does. Not physically or sexually, but emotionally. She was sneaky about it. Nobody in my family talks about it.
That might not sound like a big deal, but it has occupied much of my mental space and caused a lot of stress while I figure out how to deal with it. It has forced me to look inwards and find something I didn't know was there before. Maybe that sounds cryptic. I'm not ready to share my spiritual beliefs. This might not be the best place to be going into detail on that. I only mention it because I could not have gotten through this year without it.
Anyway. I'll leave it on that note. Some other potentially good stuff is happening, but I'll save it for next time.